Rapture Reservations Rescinded

(Little Rock) The long awaited Rapture, provoking a visitation of divine magnitude, happened last week according to self-styled holy men here. People who missed the festivities were not a part of this grand scheme were probably on the Phony Christian List, say Biblical Cherry Pickers of the Ozarks, a group that has franchised the event.

“If you were not informed of the coming He probably didn’t want to see you or talk to you at all,” said Rev Phil Pharisee, the son of a sharecropper who has amassed an astounding fortune by “catering to fears and selling sugar pill spiritual remedies” according to detractors. “We have yet to translate the Heavenly Code of the Day but we think the problem lies in the love-hate relationship that many born agains have with Israel,” he trembled.

“You are on the phony Christian list,” reiterated Pharisee. “The real soldiers of Christ are at this very moment chilling out in paradise.”

When asked why he was still down here Pharisee smiled, “Some of us must remain here to help the next batch get on the right bus, heh?”

Readers may remember Pharisee who claimed to have negated the theory of evolution in 2007 by pointing to his congregation.

“Look at these good people,” he had said. “There’s not one drop of evolution is any of them.”

*It appears that although these righteous folk don’t particularly like Jewish competition in the Chosen People arena, they are rooting for them in the coming war against Islam which will precipitate the Second Coming of Jesus Christ. It is then and only then that all true believers and only them will enter the kingdom of heaven. The rest will be relocated to less desirable spots.