PROPOSAL WOULD RAISE SOCIAL SECURITY AGE

(Froggy Bottom) Key Senate Republicans have presented a bill that would raise the age for full Social Security benefits to 86 it was disclosed today. The authors of the potential legislation say that raising the age for recipients will create financial solvency within the program and assure that everyone gets his share

Called No Old Fart Left Behind, the plan calls for sweeping changes and a gradual raising of the minimum qualifying age for persons born after 1935.

“In an attempt to jump-start legislation we thought we’d start high,” said Senator Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA). “By the time those liberals get done with it we’ll be writing checks to everyone who ever worked.”

In most cases the current age for benefits hovers between 62 and 67. Despite  the fact that funds for the program were taken out of people’s checks for their entire working careers politicians feel it is their right to manipulate the funds and redirect payments based entirely on age.

Other fat white guys in the House called for volunteer personal accounts for young people and promised to hold down bennies for upper wage earners. Some pension pimps suggest that since there is little manufacturing left in this country there are really no workers, at least in the classic sense. Therefore they argue nobody deserves a retirement check and the money could be spent in other areas such as oil drilling and the military.

“We’ll still be burning fossil fuels in this country long after these folks are all fossils,” said Noise.

If the 86-year cut-off is adopted rural Americans, many who voted Republican in the 2020 elections are expected to be hardest hit by the increase.

– Kashmir Horseshoe