Power Shut Off at House

(Warshington   —  Foggy Bottom Gazette   —  August 26, 2016))

The Aaron Burr Nuclear Power Plant has apparently discontinued electrical service to the United States Senate due to what it calls failure to address overdue notices. The action was taken this morning prior to the day’s business.

The news was received by an empty chamber in that none of the elected officials had opted to show up for work again. Most were either at lunch with lobbyists or back in their districts campaigning and strengthening constituencies.

“We sent them three warnings but I guess no one is ever there to pick up the mail much less write a check,” said Myrna Huphhousen, a former aide-de-camp of Herbert Hoover, who has been employed by the power company since 1930. “I’ve had years of experience dealing with these teflon deadbeats. Let them all filibuster in the dark!”

Congresspersons contacted were not aware of the shut-off since none had been at their desks since February. One said he expected to be back soon, while another calmed fears of an empty podium saying assorted lobbyists were keeping an eye on things.

“We don’t have time to keep up with petty notices and letters from our constituents, argued Oral Noise (Unitarian-CA) who had stumbled into the House billiard room in search of another bottle of Cuban rum. “But I can assure you that the check is in the mail.”

Another honorable member of the governing unit, Kleen “Dirty” Cavanaugh, a 98-year-old incumbent representing the Missoula Flood Plain blames the shut-off on Confederate sympathizers from down along Jefferson Davis Highway.

“We had trouble with those same kinda people out here only they wore feathers,” he smiled while aides, reporters and lobbyists fussed over him, waiting for him to drop dead and vacate the seat.

“Just wait for those jaybirds to come requesting a rate hike,” he quacked. “I could buy them and turn them into a nuclear feed lot.”

The status is not expected to affect lifetime pensions, lifetime health insurance or regular limo use, privileges covered by the taxpayer. One pro-weapons group has petitioned to present movies in the now darkened rooms while the Israeli Embassy has offered the use of a secondary auditorium at its complex, but only Republicans were invited.

Otherwise all pressing business, especially matters of national security, will be conducted at Big Mable’s Gravy Train on Pennsylvania Avenue until the lights come back on. Municipal scraping crews have taken the lull as an opportunity to remove chewing gum stuck to the bottom of Congressional seats as far back as the Gadsden Purchase.

– Melvin Toole

“Go ahead, blow yourself up with the propane stove. What can we do? Why should we get involved? We can get lots more tourists where you came from. They bring them here right to the plaza every day on the bus.”
– Cardinal Mendoza, pious brandy maker, when asked for directions on how to operate an ancient cook stove, Grazalema, Spain, April 8, 2016