(Boulder) The University of Colorado Golden Buffaloes, although home in bed with a good book, managed to sniff out an evasive road win this weekend over the a tough Cal Polygamy Deadbeat Father squad of the recently organized Indigent League. The victory, which looked out of the grasp of the CU offense, was snatched away by linebacker Omar Mohammed Ryecrust, a junior college transfer from Compton (CA).

“It was something,” said man-child coach Newt Nuhaisal-Sinus, of the Buffs, “even though we weren’t there we played a solid game.

“If we could figure out how to get on the right bus to Lincoln we might have a shot at the Nebraska Cornmuskies too,” quipped Nuhaisal-Sinus from his 17-story practice field observatory at Folsom Field. “The problem is that there are no turns, much less wrong turns from Boulder to Lincoln. Even our geography professors could drive that bus and they couldn’t find China in a pile of bamboo shoots.”

When asked about flying, Nuhaisal-Sinus replied that none of his recruits did illegal drugs.

Sources within the Big Ten told The Horseshoe that the phenomenon of an absentee road victory was really quite simple in that CU had led a charmed life for about a decade now.

“Even though they rarely beat that Big Red team they have fared well against just about everyone else,” said Red “Mercury” Malpractice, a retired referee now head of the body chemistry department at Our Lady of Aurora Community College in Commerce City. “They seem to sparkle even in those tacky black funeral uniforms with the gold trim”

Entry into the PAC-12 is not expected to affect future recruiting other than to make it more attractive. Most of the players in the 2021 class say they’d rather play Stanford than Oklahoma State.

Another spokesperson said the chalked up win could be explained mathematically.

“Remember the legendary fifth down play against Missouri a few years back?” asked Melvin Pig-Iron, a retired Pee Wee mastermind who claims to have coerced Terrell Davis into shoulder pads in 1980. 

“If you want the answer you have to multiply the square root of raw meat consumed by the Oklahoma State offensive line in a month by the number of games CU forfeited in 1997. Then you take that number and divide it by the pathetic need to beat Nebraska. You can then check your answer by turning on the Orange Bowl about every third or fourth year.

The victory will be celebrated with a riot on The Hill Friday night.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

Filed Under: Hard News


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