Mother Nature Reclaiming Vast Segments of Suburban Sprawl

(Levittown) The planet earth is coming back with a vengeance recovering enormous swaths of land once thought to be beyond resuscitation. The march of aggressive vegetation, revived jungle, and the increased rumbling from the planet’s core have resulted in a restoration once thought impossible.

Nature is in the midst of a revival not seen since the Renaissance according to botanists and geologists monitoring the spontaneous reinstatement of natural law in areas surrounding major population centers. Sociologists have long pinpointed these often-affluent communities for the worst abuses.

“The planet is winning back acres and acres at an alarming rate throwing man’s progress to the four or five winds,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of the Rolling Hills Institute in Parma, Ohio. Even asphalt and concrete are no match for an angry mother where the relentless, powerful march of green growth and geothermal energy are measured.”

Pennywhistle, who often speaks through a straw, reminded readers that fracking, fossil fuel emissions, pesticides, chemical fertilizer and constant oil spills by negligent petroleum capitalists remain a grave threat to life on earth. He said he hoped that when Mother Nature is finished with the suburban housecleaning she will roll up her sleeves and turn her attention to these environmental disasters.

“A lot of us here at the institute have come to realize that the current effort is just a test run, a dress rehearsal for bigger and better things to come. We expect that in a few months we will observe the utter destruction of hydraulic fracturing sites, the sinking of oil tankers, the termination of gasoline-powered cars and the embrace of organic fertilizers even by the heartless corporate sector. These changes will not come due to a new-found altruism on the part of humans but rather by stepped up angry natural disasters and the might of the natural world against these choking technologies.”

Pennywhistle suggests that at the current rate (step-in-step with polar ice melt still denied by throwbacks in Congress) there may be no more suburbs at all by 2040. Poorly constructed shopping malls ma go first followed by the crumbling of ticky-tacky neighborhoods that have grown up around them.

Countless experts in the field have warned of the coming doom. One noted climatologist, Professor Myra “Bunny” Hopwilder, the inventor of Kind Pesticide, a brave, new notion that simply puts pests in a “state of swooning well-being”, rendering them harmless, has this to say:

“Prematurely cracked sidewalks, statues tumbled to the ground, scrambled communities draped in flat humdrum walls and ceilings steeped in sameness, carnivorous plants eating small rodents and insect for now. What will they do when the food supply runs out? Melting asphalt from above and below, plants growing to four and five times their normal size. Culture smothered and overpowered as nature chokes off whatever inhabits her sinister path.”

Whether this floral gentrification is a cure or remedy depends on the value placed on vapid architecture and human existence, according to Hopwilder.

“When the deed is done and the earth returns to an agrarian paradise, free of man’s convoluted meanderings, will we still be a welcome here? Will we learn to live in harmony with the world around him or simply begin the devastation again?”

Meanwhile governments from Nairobi to Nanking are encouraging people to take precaution.

“Keep all children and pets indoors and all cars in garages when available. Secure all lawn furniture, barbecues, fencing, lawn tools and sheds. Don’t overwater existing foliage. If you have an old bomb shelter this might be a good time to muck it out and stock it with canned goods. Otherwise you are on your own.

For related story turn to Wind Turns Violent at US Congressional Palace on Page 56 

– Arlene Fukushima