Locals Warned: Gatherers Arriving This Week

(Montrose Marble- October 14, 2015)

Community leaders warn all citizens here to watch their belongings as desperate throngs of gatherers are gradually making their way into the Uncompahgre Valley for their seasonal romp. Things always seem to turn up missing when these wretched and persistent locust-like mobs proliferate.

Gatherers, the extended socio-economic subgroup linked to hunters, as in the anthropological Hunters and Gatherers classification, are expected to descend on Western Colorado as early as next week. Division of Wildlife and Social Services workers are keeping a firm eye on the shabby contingent, which generally shows up broke with just the clothes on their back in search of substance, bits and pieces, matter to collect or gather.

“The target items discussed herein are further refined and defined as anything not locked up or tied down,” said Charles Scruples of the Troglodyte Foundation. “These gatherers, although not evolved entirely to the task, have developed sticky fingers over the centuries and are often the loud, pushy sort.”

Scruples suggests that residents and visitors keep an eye on their belongings, especially in large crowds, deserted stretches and after dark.

“Hoarding is a disease, one that we do not want to see cured by a bullet,” snapped Scruples. “We’d like to make it through this difficult migration without incident.”

In 2014 three gatherers were wounded when they trespassed into a well- manicured garden in search of snow peas. The vegetable plot, owned by Warren (Old Man) Pritchard of 33992200772344 Road west of town, had been sloppily probed the night before allowing time for Pritchard to arm himself with buckshot for their subsequent visit.

Region Zen officials have announced that their organization would provide free camping and drinking water in an attempt to isolate and cordon off the gatherers from the mainstream summer visitors.
– Rufus Maxwell