IF JOHN WAS STILL HERE…

(Ridgway, CO — December 12, 2014) If John Wayne was here we wouldn’t have to listen to endless accounts of crooked politicians plying their shameful trade. They would have made him steaming mad and he would have caught up with them as Ethan Edwards in The Searchers and gained revenge in the name of all the innocent victims of their treachery.

If John Wayne was here there would be no confusion as to the art of loving. He and Katherine Hepburn would certainly see to that.

If John Wayne was still with us we wouldn’t be plagued with gang violence. He would ride right into the midst of the bastards and send most home to their mothers. The ones who refused to listen to common sense would face a serious ass kicking like the one he administered to Yakima Canutt in The Lawless Frontier.

If John Wayne was still here we wouldn’t be sending troops into Bosnia. As aging special deputy, Rooster Cogburn, he would have long since disarmed both sides and slapped some sense into the hostiles intent on carrying on the conflict just like he did in True Grit .

If John Wayne was kickin’ he would never have built a house out of tires, sold real estate or sang songs about chickens crashing on Wolf Creek Pass.

If the Duke was still alive we wouldn’t be faced with auto pollution since he would leave his pickup parked back at the ranch and ride his horse all the way to work.

If John Wayne was alive there would be no growing population of homeless Americans. They could all bunk at his house in the Hollywood Hills.

If John Wayne was still alive Michael Jackson would never have suffered from acute gastroenteritis. John would simply utter, “Awwww” and tell Michael to “quit his bellyaching” and get back to work. And you can bet Michael would have done it.

If John Wayne were here we would not have such a chronic problem with domestic violence. He would swoop down from a hillside and whack pee-pees and maybe even ride off into the sunset with one beautiful woman or another like he did in Stagecoach.

If John Wayne were here we wouldn’t have to worry about drunk drivers on the road. He would confront them just like he faced down a drunken Luke Plummer in a dusty cattle town backstreet as the Ringo Kid.

If John Wayne was still kickin’ the problem of illegal aliens would be confronted in a sensitive manner just like they were in Down Mexico Way.

If John Wayne was here men and women would quit the pettiness and learn to respect each other just like he and Maureen O’Sullivan did in countless westerns.

If John Wayne had not died he’d be here explaining the truth about UFOs just like he told the settlers about the Indians in The Big Trail.

If John Wayne was with us Israel and Syria would sit down and talk just like the warring factions in The Shepherd of the Hills.

If John Wayne was here it would be easy to tell the difference between heroes and villains like The Duke and eternal bad guy, George Cheseboro.

If John Wayne had not gone away we would all achieve a level of true happiness and trust like the characters in She Wore A Yellow Ribbon.

If John Wayne was still alive he’d offer just the right support in encouraging good over evil like he did in The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.

If John Wayne was here he would prove that most soldiers are reluctant, honorable warriors like the cavalrymen in Rio Grande.

Things can certainly be frightening in 2014, especially without someone in a ten-gallon hat willing to ride into the fray and make everything all right. Are happy endings no longer in vogue as we step on our johnsons trying to reach the top of some money tree? John Wayne is no longer riding high in the saddle and maybe the good guys don’t always seem to win in the end. John Wayne is gone and maybe in honor of the vigilant western hero it’s time to take the bull by the horns ourselves, heh?

Kevin Haley, a Hopalong Cassidy wannabe, lives in Colona where he wears cowboy boots to church and publishes The San Juan Horseshoe. He thinks the needy want just a little bit more than just canned goods at Christmas.

For a printed transcript of this column please send $25 to the Eternal Hibernian-American Relief Fund, Colona, CO. Copyright 2014 Kevin J. Haley