Hinckley Mistakenly Drafted by Raiders

(Special from The Federal Rehab Flyer – Gunnison, CO – July 10, 2015)

Longtime federal guests and Texas (not Colorado) native John Hinckley, who attempted to assassinate then President Ronald Regan on a rainy Washington morning back in 1981, has been accidently drafted by the Oakland Raiders of the National Football League (Aren’t long sentences hard to read?)
The foul-up came late in the meetings when most team representatives and player agents were bored and tired. It is not uncommon for a team to draft a dead person or a fictitious person, much to the chagrin of the sports franchise.
“Oversights can happen,” said Red White, organizer of the draft and subsequent festivities following the workday. “All those names and faces and the films and the statistics can make a normal person into a raving lunatic! It’s a wonder we don’t draft ourselves.”
White reminded the press that in 1985 Dallas drafted Sirhan Sirhan, who had changed his name to Mohammed Sirhan after assassinating Robert Kennedy in 1968. Of course the Cowboys dropped all contact after realizing they had acquired a pariah, especially when, due to prior commitments, he couldn’t make rookie camp.
Hinckley, who has not fired so much as one shot at a major politician since his incarceration, may be eligible for parole in 2020.
The Raiders employed Jack Tatum for all of those years,” said White. “The fact is that Hinckley has been legitimately drafted and now the ball is on our quart…or gridiron as it were. The team plans to pursue the mater until it runs out of rope,” he smiled.
Meanwhile Hinckley has been lifting weights and running pass routes in his cell. He has again began writing Jodi Foster, a former 49ers drum and bagel girl. The content of those letters has not been made public but cellmates say it is a confusing arrangement of Xs and Os with a progressive rendition of Taxi Driver, written in Greek and Latin, thrown in for ballast.
Other teams, most notably the Denver Broncos, have been mum on the development while awaiting the evolution of what could be a major precedent and newest hype in professional sports.
“Remember when Denver prematurely drafted the Manson Family in 1975?” smiled White. “The team wanted to shore up a porous offensive line and may have done just that, until someone came to his senses. This just proves once again that in this twisted society, there is no such thing as bad publicity,” he railed. – Kashmir Horseshoe