Happy Hour at State Prisons Raises Eyebrows

Happy hour in prison? Thirsty rehab or same old punishment?

(Canon City) First it was karaoke, then bake sales to raise money for families of convicts, now it’s a daily happy hour. Since last month prison guards and prisoners have mixed for an hour each day sipping tea-strong cocktails and swilling 3.2 beer. The social hour, catering to all but the maximum security population, has been credited with a distinct drop in hostility toward big house authorities and a decrease in recurring prison violence that has plagued the institution from the onset.

People incarcerated learn to look forward to the simplest experiences to escape from the daily ritual of prison life according to warden Emile Turlo.

“Imagine sitting in a cell all day without free access or socialization,” he said. “Sure most of the inmates get a few hours in the yard and there are mealtimes in the mess hall but overall the system creates long hours alone which are not particularly helpful with rehabilitation.”

Some state Republicans are highly critics of the happy hour saying that prisoners do not deserve these kinds of freedoms.

“When they broke the law they gave up their rights,” said Rep. Owen Blackman, himself a white collar petty thief before he got religion and hooked up with the party. “These people are in jail to be punished not to be wined and dined.”

Blackman is concerned not only because alcohol is served but that the prison commissary has been offering meatless and low cholesterol meals on the weekends.

“What are we doing raising a crop of vegan crooks, a crew of health conscious criminals who might just live to a ripe old age. Why can’t they eat nutritional fast food like the rest of us?”

Warden Turlo told the media that many of the inmates are drug offenders who plea bargained their lives away due to anxious cops and bad legal advice.

“Often public defenders are buried in work and cannot relegate adequate hours to insure that cases are handled properly, that all alleged perpetrators get a fair trial,” explained Turlo. “We get these guys who have been whisked through the system and never indicted. Some of them get two to three years here, where they learn to hone their criminal skills. They come in with the criminal equivalent of a grade school diploma and leave with a PhD in burglary or extortion. What a system!”

One convict, a 22-year-old unemployed Black aluminum can magnate, was busted when police found a roach in his automobile ash tray in 2009. After a “speedy trial” leading to court-ordered confinement he wondered if a plea bargain was the way to go.

“My lawyer told me if I didn’t cooperate with the court I could get ten years, so I plead guilty to a lesser charge and here I am. They told me I’d be up for parole in 18 months but that milestone has passed and I am wasting away within these walls. I think they forgot me.”

In addition to the daily happy hour there are other benefits for prisoners exhibiting good behavior. Work release programs, college study groups, trade school opportunities and ultimately halfway houses designed to pave the way for reentry into society.

“We must decide if prison is primarily punitive or if it is an attempt at rehabilitation,” said Turlo, “and we must be careful not to run short of ice.”

The United States incarcerates more prisoners than any other “free” country in the world. Many prisoners have fallen through the cracks and are now mere statistics in a shameful shuffle where private institutions function as profitable enterprises. Treating convicts as humans might just be the beginning of a new approach to justice.

“Considering the poor performance by most penal institutions a daily happy hour might just be a bright spot in an otherwise dark existence,” snapped Turlo.

– Kashmir Horseshoe