CREATION OF THE IRISH MADE EASY

“Small chins and all!”

Despite desperate genetic reshuffling and stodgy literary denial, it remains clear to the cultured that the Hibernians (Irish) have inordinately small chins. The Italians have big mustaches, the Africans have curly hair, the Incas have enlarged lungs and the Russians have large foreheads. Everybody looks in the mirror. Everyone goes on. This little story offers the real truth of the matter but does not attempt to tie small chins to large thirst.

The day that the Creator made the Irish was drizzling and a bit chilly. He had made the Italians and the Chinese the day before without incident, and sent them on their way. He had made the Brazilians and the Egyptians Tuesday while completing the Indians, the French and the Nigerians on Wednesday, or was it the other way around?

Sitting down at his favorite bench in his favorite chair, he closed the shop door so as not to be interrupted. This creation business was not to be taken lightly, even by the Creator himself.

After laying out the parts of the first Irishman on a clean piece of parchment paper he began. He took the torso and the legs and glued them together. Then he added the arms and the head. This was the easy part. The interior work would be more difficult since he had not paid attention during high school biology, preferring to meditate on the mysteries of the Universe and the curious fate of this obstacle of rock that he called Earth.

He carefully placed the kidneys and the liver, then oiled the knee and elbow joints and added hair in the appropriate spots. After several hours, the Irishman was coming together. His head was secure but he had yet to create a suitable face.
“I know I have plenty of blue eyes lying around,” he thought, and maybe a little more red in the hair, then some well-placed freckles. Yes! Freckles!

The Creator went to work without delay. Seven days was not a long time to create an entire world, especially when one was yet to have a work force to perform the heavy work. He placed the eyes and the forehead, the ears and the nose, the eyebrows and the cheekbones. Then he came to the lower part of the face—the jaw, the mouth and the chin.

Molding the jaw the Creator sat back and admired his art. This one was coming together quite nicely. In a matter of minutes, he would move on to the Spanish and the Polynesians. The he added the Irishman’s mouth with immediate repercussions.

“A fine day to you Holy Father!” said a tiny voice from the bench. “And you’re doing such lovely work here. I just thought I’d take this moment to thank ye for all of the fine creating you’ve been doing. Why we’d be nowhere without…”

“What?” whispered the Creator. “Someone is talking and I have yet to add the voice boxes or tongues!”

“An Irishman doesn’t need all those accessories to carry on a conversation,” said the voice now clearly traced to the unfinished Irishman on the workbench. From the land of saints and scholars it is. We have the gift of blarney. After all, your lordship gave that to us. Just throw a little stardust and I’ll be on my way.”

“All right. That’s enough bejabbering. There’s a lot more to creation than simple stardust. Keep you face still so I can finish the chin. I cannot complete your chin with your lips a flapping. Keep quiet and I’ll be done with you and send you on your way like the others.”

“I like your style. You have a distinct talent for creating people but why did you leave so much water on the planet? With the population on the rise one day land will be at a premium and not all that salt water will be needed. Had ye thought that one out Holy Father? You with the long white beard and the piercing eyes. Had you thought about all that salt water…

“Stove it Irishman! I will not have any more of your babble fouling up my workday. Now shut up or I’ll sew that trap closed!”

“Now you wouldn’t do such a thing would ye? How about I bring some nice cabbages by in the morning. The price is god this time of the year. No? My uncle Paddy sells fine horses. We could go for a look if you like. They’re worth every penny he’d be asking. Maybe you’ll be needing a mount like St. Paul or Joan of Arc? Paddy’s name is O’Neill if that means a thing to you.”

The Creator grabs for a round of thread, grabbing the Irishman by the neck.

“Wait! Wait!” said the Irishman. “Not the needle and thread! No! I can behave!”

“Well see that you do. I cannot get the chin in place when your mouth is moving. I am not interested in cabbages or horses this morning. I only want to move on to the Spanish and the Polynesians…”

“Fine peoples all of them. Clean people!”…

“Can it,” said the Creator eyeballing the thread. Don’t move. I almost have the chin in place.”

“…and they are a lot better than those leprechauns and pucas that ye built. No criticism implied your lordship, but those fairies need a good talking to, arrogant bastards. Maybe you could…”

“That settles it. I will be sewing your lips shut! Then I’ll put you on an island in the North Atlantic Ocean where you can’t bother anyone!””

No, please I’ll be quiet. I’ll be a quiet as a little mouse sitting on your bench. As quiet as a shamrock. As quiet as the ould sod itself. Real quiet. Don’t you think my ears are a bit large for the rest of me?”

“No more talking until I am done or I will skip the damn chin and send you off like you are with a big mouth and only a tiny chin. You will go down through the ages without the final piece. You deserve to go chinless with such a mouth on you.”

“…and so what if we go without chins? We have mouths, good teeth blue eyes and big ears. We have the gift of words. You have made us that way. Why punish us now for what you have done? By the by, when do you expect to get started making Guinness?

“That does it. Get off my workbench. You are finished as you are! Go ye forth into the great abyss CHINLESS!

“One last thing, sir…before I go I’d be wanting to talk to you about changing the venue, you know, the location of the Emerald Isle.”

“What’s the matter with the present locale? It may not look like much now but after the Druids and the Celts show up it should be a roaring good time.”

“Oh no it looks lovely to be sure. It’s just the proximity to England. Surely, they will be trouble there. We would prefer somewhere warmer like Corsica or Sardinia. Go ahead…Skip the chin and deliver us to the Mediterranean!”

– Kevin Haley, September 2, 2016