CONNIE CONSUMER SAYS:

Executive Heated Toilet Seats Won’t Leave You Hanging

Don’t fall for the rap from those callous, high-pressure toilet seat salesmen. All they care about is a sale. Very few of them actually own one. Negotiating with them is like being home schooled by hungry crocodiles.

Rule of thumb: Spend top dollar and insure a comfy bottom. Buy a custom seat, fitted and responsive to your body. Don’t go cheap. The quality seats often last up to 50 years with proper maintenance.

Tired of chipping ice for your daily constitution? Avoiding the runaround by using idle time on the hot seat. Deal only with a reputable merchant. Promises of free toilet paper will seem rather banal if you get burned or even electrocuted with an inferior product.

Reminder: Free demo trial date termination is January 3 for residents of Coal Creek, Pea Green and the Snotty Beach Communities. Top manufacturers include Sure Fanny / Tushvent, Stool Trophy, Pooper Pal and of course the royal name in toilet seats…Cozy Bum.

– Carlos Tuna contributed to this report