Marmot Thefts Up Again

(Blue Mesa) With the arrival of the Texas Fantail to the region, a sharp increase in petty theft at the hands of gold-bellied marmots and their alpine allies has been keeping police and forest rangers busy so far in July.

Thefts and intrusions are up about 40% over June, with the heavy days of August still ahead. Researchers at the Rocky Mountain Biological Weapons Laboratory at Gothic think the increase has to do with an increase in the marmot population and a distinct expansion of food groups that years ago were not part of the whistle pig diet.

“Five years ago one rarely saw a marmot chewing on a chicken leg or slamming a can of bloody mary mix,” said one researcher, “but now it’s quite common. We also blame the higher concentration of humans above timberline and a short attention span on the part of these visitors.”

It has been documented over and over again that tundra species are not above eating everything from burgers to radiator wires when given the chance. Persons camping or jeeping in the high country are asked to take precautions.

“We don’t want to create a generation of fuzzy thieves,” said another RMBWL source. “Once they start stealing there is little we can do. It often starts out with a peanut or a marshmallow and ends up with grand theft auto raps and well organized cooler heists. One RV caravan reported an entire freezer ensemble, a satellite dish, three poodles and a digital Christmas lights schematic missing after a short fishing trek.”

Although the lot as recovered the next day the poodles are still missing.

Often incidences of shoplifting and cooler pilfering attributed to alpine scavengers goes unreported making it even more difficult to control the trend.

“If people don’t file complaints we can’t write them down in our little books,” said one park service officer.

Authorities have up to now attempted to play down these crimes so as not to discourage trips to the alpine tundra. Many fear the situation could reach epidemic proportions wit h the arrival of bear and monkey mating season in September.

In a related story weathermen at the top of Engineer Pass report golf balls the size of hail, ptarmigan laughter and rocks on the road. That seasonal situation is not expected to change until the next ice age.

– Melvin Toolini