Congress Freezes US Assets

(Washington) In an eleventh hour decision of major proportions for our stumblebum economy, the United States Congress today passed legislation that effectively freezes the assets of its own government. Passing swiftly through the GOP-controlled House, the bizarre bill landed in the Democrat-controlled Senate and, after an hour of heated discussion was approved by an undisclosed margin.

President Obama, who has surpassed his quota of vetoes for the month, is expected to sign the bill into law from the Democrat-controlled Oval Office this morning.

The Republicans, firmly against the bill in the beginning (since it was first sponsored by a Democrat) backed off after it became clear that the private sector would assume a larger roll and in no way be directly effected by the freeze. Democrats assured themselves that even though they would not raise taxes they would continue to mouth concern for the needy, throw money at issues and brace for blowback.

Both sides concluded that the action would save billions in gov’ment expenditures.

“If these brahmans really wanted to save money they would suspend their paychecks, their premium health insurance and their lifelong pensions,” said Rosey Rosebud, a representative from Harlem. “Most are by nature already beyond wealthy when they first run for office and get richer as Mandarin opportunities blossom in the golden years.”

Rosebud simply frowned when asked about the influence of lobbyists and the cancelation of social programs inherent to the these procedures.

Now the combined Congress must vote on an sticky amendment that would ban lobbyists from Washington altogether.

“It’s really a sham,” squawked one lobbyist, his oily pockets full of gifts for cooperative lawmakers. “Don’t these people understand that we run things around here? They can’t simply dismiss us. It’s un-American!”

A nearby senator commented on the uproar asserting that when the end is near drastic steps were often necessary.

“We can’t just go on printing money while the middle class gets squeezed,” he said. The rich are still rich. The poor are still poor. The middle class works two jobs to maintain. The people have unmasked their leaders to find no one leading.”

Although the gov’ment has frozen assets belonging to such distinct entities as Iran, Pete Rose and the Ku Klux Klan, it had never seized its own. The icy funds, initially generated by the IRS and National Park fees, will be stored below zero in an undisclosed location near Cheyenne Mountain in Colorado.

“Even if the assets are frozen they must be protected in the event of a nuclear strike,” said the senator, “far out of reach of the drunken sailor spending. If our government was forced to operate and execute like small business it would have been bankrupt in 1783, a year after it opened.”

Despite the icy solution some in the Congress plan to stay open until petty cash runs out. Most agree that a solution is not on the horizon and that freezing assets does little more than slow down the inevitable shift in policy making and expenditures.

“All of the filibusters and back slapping haven’t worked,” flinched the source. “We can’t wait for the American people to get off their asses and demand fiscal responsibility on the part of their elected officials. The government apple is rotten to the core.”

Democrats here expressed hope that the action would project the Republicans as the bad guys in the 2014 elections while Republicans were confident that the freeze would reflect poorly on the White House and the Democrats. – Kashmir Horseshoe