O’Brien’s Lowers Urinals For Wee

Haute-Hydraulics Welcomes Leprechauns to Town

(Ouray) Urinals here will be substantially lower by the time the wee folk arrive to celebrate St Patrick’s Day on March 17. The unselfish plumbers and architects, taking on this porcelain proposition, have been at it again although this is the first year that the reconstruction will be conducted using state and federal funds.

“We wrote a grant proposal late one night last off-season and 90 days later got a check in the mail,” said a principle that sough anonymity. “Along with the check were specifics as to the general construction and materials preferred. The feds like all their johns to look and function the same. They like uniformity. The leprechauns like access. We like to sell Guinness.”

“We just raised the floor and lower the ceiling for a week or so. The entire episode should be interesting with Colorado’s new tolerance for pot,” laughed one bartender. “Imagine a lot of high little folk wandering around, free of bag-of-gold commitments on this grand day. (Papal dispensation and all).

The federal grant specifically forbids the smoking of marijuana while “operating relief mechanisms and satellite accommodations in small rooms” which could mean seeing a man about a horse of a different color.

An article in this month’s American Latrine Magazine praises the Irish pub for what it calls social responsibility and kindness in welcoming the little foreigners who visit Colorado each year at about this time.

“Lowering urinals so as to accommodate out-of-town visitors (lady leprechauns will find thrones have been submerged and reduced in size for optimum comfort and accessibility) has gained a sort of international acclaim that can’t be bought. It gives the entire region a boost,” said the article.

“We just don’t want a lot of wee people peeing on their feet or missing the target,” said a source. “These little boozers can be terrible shots and use an ungodly amount of toilet paper.”

For many years O’Brien’s simply provided small stools for the faeries but other customers complained that they were far too easy to trip over in the dim light.

The Latrine article continued: “The sensitive management of O’Brien’s has once again raised the bar when it comes to cordial relations, human or otherwise.”

This gesture will not go unrewarded as droves of the little people begin arriving in the Southwest Colorado town in apprehension of the coming holiday. Others may flush the existence of the wee folk down the toilet but Ouray has taken aim to make them feel welcome.”

– Uncle Pahgre