Second Gnome Owners Asked to Clean Up After Pets

(Mt Crested Butte) Households currently hosting more than one gnome as pets on their property have been warned to police the area according to high government sources here. Second gnome owners, most of them part-time residents, have been under scrutiny of late with the current crisis approaching epidemic proportions.

“They really don’t eat that much,” said one second gnome owner from California who spends at least a week here in the summer. “We keep our pets under control most of the time but accidents do happen. It’s all quite natural.”

Authorities are most concerned with conspicuous or salient locales such as the access points to homes, parking lots, public walkways and prominent viewing areas. Controversial plans to install gnome scoops at every intersection from the gondola to the heavily fortified security gates at the entry to the community are being contested by environmentalist groups with a special session of the town council slated to meet Thursday night.

“This is not our problem,” stressed Svelte Cramer, a fifth-term councilman who moved to Crested Butte to find himself. “The second gnome owners knew they would have to settle the waste problem when they expanded their entourage. Sure, little gnomes look cute in the box or at the pet store but they grow up. They may be little fellas but they pack quite a punch,” he said.

Cramer went on to say that the average gnome lives to be at least 15 years-old and that, compiled daily, averages out to be quite a load on anyone involved. He, along with supporters on the legislative body is suggesting a whole new set of laws dictating proper health and beauty practices.

“It’s a matter of space, shrinking space, even up here, added the councilperson. “Diet, social norms, peer pressure and good example all come into play when we’re talking about training a gnome to take responsibility for his actions. Most of these pets want to please their owners. They must simply be shown the right path.”

Many residents here are turning to the European gnome which, in addition to being a bit smarter than the New World Lilliputian or the cheaper Wharf Dwarf model, common to the northwest central Southeastern Baltics. Although these Euro-dwarfs are more responsive and can be trained to use the indoor facilities in the pinch, they are often testy and can fly into fits of rage when provoked.

“They can be nasty, especially when crossed or cornered. It’s already damn well the Ides of March. We must nip this problem in the bud before spring run-off,” continued Cramer. “We can appreciate people wanting to have multiple pets for both companionship and security but they must take responsibility or the day will come when gnomes, like Shakespeare’s Dogs of Gothic, will be banned from the community.

“Back in the Seventies when the first pioneers arrived in this valley there was plenty of space to let it all hang out. Who cared back then if it was this tree or that one. Things are different now and we must decide on this matter by focusing on urban considerations,” lectured the councilperson.

In a related crisis, local leprechauns, in town for the spring holidays have complained of harassment by law enforcement officials. A contingent of about 100 of the wee people are expected to sit in on the aforementioned meeting this week.

– Kashmir Horseshoe