MANY EASTER EGGS STILL UNACCOUNTED FOR

(Montrose) More than a month after a massive search and seizure operation nationwide, many Easter eggs remain missing. This chilling information has surfaced amid the official gov’ment position that all of the brightly colored eggs have been located and are in custody at press time.
Of the more than 4.3 billion eggs estimated to have been hidden in the United States alone on the Saturday before Easter, an impressive 4 billion have been recovered, mostly by small children, leaving roughly 3 million listed as missing in action. Gov’ment sources would neither confirm or deny details gathered and placed at their feet. None would return phone calls as of the weekend.
“What we have here is an attempted cover-up, an evil game of hide and seek,” said citizen’s advocate Bertie Libb, known more for her rosy red hair and bottle blonde complexion than for her ability to count. “Despite vacancies at all levels we will continue to embrace the Bill of Rights and freedom.”
That document, one of the American artifacts falling victim to Patriot Act looters of late, has been attributed to the stinging pen of the Easter Bunny, a known megalomaniac and member of the Rhode Island Communist Party. He is reportedly being held in a black and white room at the Guantanamo Gulag awaiting trial on charges of shop lifting, loitering, treason and littering.
“He tried to vote for Al Gore in 2000,” said a former supporter who now heads up the Pea Green Homeland Security Agency. “Terrorism comes in all shapes and colors. We must be ready to defend our freedoms from people who disagree with us.”
Gov’ment officials prefer to use the term undetermined when dealing with eggs, as well as civilian battlefield casualties, because more and more Americans cannot do simple math.
“Why hit them with staggering figures on the evening news and ruin their supper,” said Tish Taskett, former Ambassador to Kuwait. “Undetermined is a softer, more gentle approach to calculations that will only be forgotten when tangled up with the real life interaction common to the evening’s popular sit-coms.
Critics of the Easter Egg hunt say it’s just an attempt to divert the nation from a top-heavy, crumbling economy.
“Accusations that the Easter Bunny has links to rodent groups is poppycock,” said Libb. “Sure he dated Yassar Arafat’s younger sister but that was bak in the Eighties and certainly doesn’t dictate his politics. It’s the whistle blowing over Wall Street scandals that has gotten his cotton tail in hock. By the time he gets out of jail he’ll be one old rabbit.”
Security forces have promised to kick down doors from California to Maine in search of the missing eggs.
In a related piece the entire Democratic wing of the United States Congress has also been reported missing since the War on Terror was stepped up following the 9/11 attacks. According to surviving pages in the Senate, the Democrats are keeping their collective heads down so as to avoid fall-out from manufactured public opinion and claims of glorious victories over world terrorism.
– Kashmir Horseshoe