Press Accused of Liberal Tendencies

(Montrose) The Montrose Daily Press has been linked to “radical liberal groups,” according to conservative watchdog groups here. The accusations come as a result of the paper’s handling of issues as remote as animals at the pound and the goings on at a local breakfast club.
“We haven’t chalked up the goods on them up until now because they are experts at shrouding their liberalism with conservative dialogue,” said Melvin Toole a spokesman for Stay The Corpse, a conservative think tank located on Log Hill Mesa.
“It’s the little things that show through,” he squawked, “like the honor system candy boxes and the gum ball machine on the front desk. Just where do you think the profits from these enterprises go? They go to socialistic societies like the Lion’s Club and the Special Olympics,” he barked. “We know one of the pressmen carries a AK-47 and that the proofreaders are fluent in Russian. They probably even send a monthly contribution to Boris Yeltsin and his Commie buddies!”
Press publisher Scott Allen could not control his laughter in the face of these charges and was unable to comment.
“That Scott Allen character has even had Ted Kennedy over for dinner and once considered placing a George McGovern bumper sticker on his Scout,” said Toole. “We have photographs!”

Montrose Cops Set 6 pm Curfew

(City Hall) The Montrose Police Department has announced that it will begin enforcing a new curfew for teens on June 15. The restrictions clearly state that any teen seen on the street after 6 p.m. will be subject to detainment and possible arrest.
“Most of the time we’ll just give them a ride home and leave the punishment up to the parents,” said Officer B. Dogberry, of the anti-gang division. “We are making a valiant attempt to control crime and the beginnings of a gang problem here. If kids spend all their time hanging out at night they are more likely to find something entertaining to do,” he said. “More often than not, entertainment leads to crime.”
Many residents are up in arms over the seemingly strict ordinance, saying that law enforcement officials have no right to instigate such a rigid code.
“My kid works at night,” said one citizen. “Are they going to arrest him while he’s out delivering pizzas or what?”
Another parent, who favors a strong police presence on the streets, stopped short of condemning the new program.
“Let’s just wait and see what happens before we fly off the handle,” she said. “Maybe the curfew is for the kid’s own good. It does send a clear message to the criminal element within that age group.”
Skateboarders and kids hanging out in their cars at such hot spots as McDonald’s and City Market will be targeted in the beginning, according to an inside source at the cop shop.
“The kids have plenty of time to do their thing during regular business hours,” he told the Horseshoe. “They don’t need to be out raising hell at all hours of the night!”
The source added that kids in the company of their parents would not be subject to the new rule unless the parents look sleazy or refuse to wave back at passing patrolmen.