All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

LIFE, LOVE AND AREPAS

Which transport over the pass to Riosucio?
Photo by Delinda Austin

LIFE, LOVE AND AREPAS IN THE GREEN COLOMBIAN ANDES

The next installment of Love and Antioquia, will now be presented novela (the game show concept failed to generate any interest). But before I become further distracted from my immedite chore I wish to remind you that the Spanish word for the day is tierna, which means tender, and describes my traveling companion.

 LOVE AND AREPAS

All plates in Colombia feature a big (or sometimes small) bad arepa for breakfast, lunch and dinner. It’s a cross between a dry corn bread and a dry corn tortilla. Just looking at one has been known to produce cottonmouth. I think people eat them because they always have and for no other good reason. But they are tenacious. In their defense arepas are friends with scrambled eggs and cheese, beans and rice or potato soup and a salad.

RUM BEFORE DISHONOR

Beautiful window shutters in Jardin

Upon arrival at LaTampa Cafe in Jardin for my morning coffee I noticed my friend Alfonso was meticulously filling a large chuckhole with coffee grinds from his operation. I watched him complete the job and said nothing.

Jardin looks a lot like Ouray and acts like Ridgway back in the 70s. Salsa, Cumbia, Tango blasting from the bars mixing unintentionally with church bells and the clop of horses on the cobblestones. We saw few gringos in the two weeks spent here. Even fewer up above town where our hotel had a big bathtub and two delicious trucherias (trout restaurants) ruled the roost. One of these eateries, Valdivia, features a very social German Shepherd greeter at the gate.The culture is strong in Antioquia, not yet diluted by world tourism, which has affected other towns on the so-called gringo trail. The better your Spanish, the better your visit.

MUCHO RUIDO

Tree falls in Jardin Photo by Delinda Austin

Did you know that famous Colombian singer Alci Acosta honed his vocal skills selling chocolate in Riosucio? (Home of some of the meanest birds in the world). That’s where we are headed over a three-hour dirt road in the back of a chiva (a pickup with covers and bench seats). It will be nice to have some silence but, no way; Someone turns on a blasting radio station from Manizales. Noise is a definite irritant in Colombia but fortunately I brought along my 5 x 8, super whambo 800-decibal Cerwin Vega alto veces (loud speakers) to act as ample equalizers.

Perniquism’s Grill

By Doug Fergus — February 25, 2015
Poernilp Perniquism owned a small coffee shop on Rednammoc Ave in Nomericemick City. His wife Yazznip was the head waitress. His two daughters Roagun and Wabint were also employed there in various capacities. Besides doing the books Poernilp was also the cook. He had grown a small potbelly from tasting his creations over the three years that the restaurant had been in operation. He loved to cook. He was as happy standing behind the grill as a pig standing in mud or a little boy eating his own buggers or Blindex Quixtoy bending over at the waist to smell his own armpits.
Yazznip and the girls had remained slim from humping plates of food each day. Yazznip looked very good for a woman of her age. Poernilp had fallen in love with Yazznip and her dazzling figure when she was just a cute 18-year-old. She still had the same shape 35-20-18.
Nearly very morning local construction workers would descend on the eatery for breakfast. They would compete for the attention of Roagun and Wabint by making various animal sounds using utensils, napkins and salt shakers, The loudest and most recalcitrant of all was Snerp Zootmilton who would yell out, “Hey Roagie, get a load of these apples…EEEEP, EEEEEEP, Ssigen, ssigen…ZOODN, ZOODN, AHP-AHP-AHP, CORRRRTORDLE! Pre good, huh? Pre good?”
Roagun had come to realize that the only way to calm Snerp down was to try to guess the animal he was currently imitating and often even impersonating.
“Het Snerp, I’ll bet that was a rabbit-toed frog hawk, right?” she would smile.
“Wrong again Roagie,” Snerp squealed with delight. “That was my ’63 Corvair right before the engine ate it comin’ up Floochiman’s Grade!”
Poernilp constantly scanned the dining room, peering out behind the stainless steel counter top and the heats lamps. He watched primarily to make sure none of his rowdy customers got physical with Roagun and Wabint. If any of the boisterous bolides so much as brushed one of his daughters, Poernilp would shout from the kitchen, “Hey Hey Hey! You wanna squeeze tissue go to the supermarket!”
During these explosions Poernilp would spay saliva all over the hot grill in front of him. It would land in tiny beads, dance for a moment on the hot metal then soak into the grilled cheese or the fried eggs, or whatever was cooking at the time. Poernilp would then say to himself, “What the hell. I’m healthy. I take vitamins. I take care of myself. It’s good, nutritious spit….probably do some of these malnourished bums some good.”

Sugar, nutmeg, honey, darling molasses
You make me feel like a million lemon cookies
baking in a 10,000-degree oven.

Cake, pie, maple syrup, paprika, doughnut holes.
When you touch me, I feel like strawberries
are surging through my veins.

Banana pudding, oregano, sugar substitute, vanilla extract
You are such a sweet thing
I bet your heart is filled to the brim with whipped cream.
– from The Song of Poernilp

Trotsky Resurfaces in Miami

SUNSHINE STATE PANHANDLER – Feb 25, 2015
Leon Trotsky, former Commie bigwig believed dead since the 1930s, has
been identified at a Miami Laundromat where he gave a fiery speech on the evils of capitalism and static cling while his boxer shorts were drying. Local authorities, tipped off to his presence by a Ukrainian dryer mechanic, arrived late on the scene missing the wild-eyed revolutionary who had been searching for “a shrimp boat to Managua” earlier that same morning.
“We suspect some kind of commie money laundering operation is in the works,” puffed a detective. “All of the evidence is not in but let’s just say Mr. Trotsky was “washing” more than his shorts.”
Meanwhile in Managua, President Daniel Ortega has condemned the Obama Administration for what he calls provocative intrusions into the perimeter of a sovereign nation. Ortega says the United States has employed mononuclear drone snowplows in the mountainous areas near Estelí where the last reported dusting was back in 1915.
In a curt response, a State Department spokesperson denied any knowledge of drones saying that if any mononuclear devices were sent to Nicaragua it was due to a foul up within the purchasing department over at the CIA.
“We don’t talk and the CIA doesn’t share much information with the FBI or the Administration,” she continued. “The House doesn’t send sensitive information to the Senate and the Pentagon keeps tight wraps on classified documents in its vault. The NSA is concerned as to possible leaks in the IRS and refuses to return phone calls. The CIA does not trust the competency of the FBI and the CIA is afraid that the FBI will micro-manage data and thus expose long nurtured international contacts. That’s how we maintain strict control.”
None of the agencies cared to comment on how and why Trotsky was in Miami, if it fact in was even Trotsky at all. – Small Mouth Bess

Searching for thin, blonde woman named “Pepper”. – Salt Walter, Maher.

Besar stand para beneficiar Pound Local

(Mañana) Producto de la cabina de besos popular en la Feria del Condado eunuco serán donados al centro de detención canina local de acuerdo a Muriel Etchabarron, una gran mujer que quería conseguir su nombre en esta historia
En su quinto año, el stand ha levantado por lo menos $ 100 para varias organizaciones benéficas locales.
De pie junto a un signo que proclama: Fruncido para arriba! Pero mantener sus patas en sus bolsillos “, dice Etchabarron la cabina, y el negocio de besar en general ha tenido sus altibajos durante los 38 años que ha estado en ella. Ella recuerda smoochers abundancia algunas noches, pero una noche cuando salió ocho horas seguidas sin tomar en una moneda de diez centavos.
“Eso fue terriblemente embarazoso, especialmente con el destructor atracado tan cerca y todos esos marineros juguetones sobre. Puede que no seamos Vogue cubre “, sonrió,” pero sabemos cómo implantar una.
“Ese fue el primer año que dimos nuestros beneficios a la población de perros más en Wimpton, la sede del condado y servicio hub real para todo el Valle de La incomodidad”, dijo.
Papeleo recientemente publicado sugiere que cada beso alimenta tres perros o seis cachorros. Dos besos pueden alimentar a un gato por una semana. Los cuidadores necesitan más sustento pero los expertos dicen que pueden ser Provender satisfecho por cerca de seis besos húmedos. La cabina es la apertura de diez horas por día, excepto los domingos. El resto de él ecuación es dependiente sobre el costo de croquetas y sobre el número de animales de compañía de enfriamiento sus talones en la instalación.
Un bromista local, sugirió que el interruptor elenco cabina de besos con los residentes de la vivienda con los animales de asumir el papel de besador.
“La forma en que lo veo,” dijo Zelmo Peones de Molar Pastos, “lo que tenemos ahora es un caso claro de la cola que mueve al perro. Un cambio de personal en el punto de contacto podría cambiar las cosas. Además “, divagaba. ¿Quién puede resistirse al encanto de un perrito caliente? “- Dag Katz

Mr. Clean Burglar Evades Police

(Ouray, Colorado – February 10, 2015) A compulsive second-story man, dubbed Mr. Clean buy local police, is still at large after three more break-ins were reported over the weekend. Authorities believe that over 100 intrusions and thefts since November can be attributed to this slick and resilient crook who leaves his personal calling card in cleanser, mops and soap suds.
In one particularly peculiar heist Mr. Clean (or Senor Limpia for our Latino readers) lifted two televisions, a boom box, a stuffed rifle case, a camera, a small doggie bed, three hand towels, a can of tuna and a crushed velour Elvis wall hanging. Then, after apparently loading the items in his step-van, he returned to the scene of the crime to do the dirty dishes in the sink, vacuum the living room, wash the kitchen windows and leave a note to remind the inhabitants to take out the trash.
“At least he or she is neat,” said one patrolman after viewing a home invasion. “It would be to no one’s advantage if the intruder ransacked the place or punches holes in the walls and ceiling when he was finished. In all my years with the department I have never seen a crook with such motivation, such sense of hygiene. Why the thief even cleans under the refrigerator. Nobody does that.”
Police have linked Mr. Clean to the robberies after linking discarded Brillo pads, sponges and other cleaning apparatus to the intrusions.
“It’s almost like he wants us to catch him and tell him what a nice job he did on the linoleum or the woodwork,” continued the officer. “He would probably welcome the white glove test after each visit.”
At present police are keeping a close watch on grocery stories in the area, hoping to spot suspicious janitorial purchases. Attempts to lure Mr. Clean into a trap at the Marinated Arms Trailer Park failed yesterday as the clever crook outwitted the cops and walked off with a bathroom ensemble and two tiffany lamps worth an estimated $1200 on the burgeoning black market.
“We knew right away that our “old buddy” had been on the premises,” winked the officer. “The dishes were still wet in the rack, the litter box had been emptied and the smell of lavender air freshener was everywhere.”
It has been suggested that all residents of the tri-county area add a dead-bolt lock in entryways. The lock, exterior lighting and an alarm system might be a deterrent to crime.
“We also encourage all residents at risk to keep their houses clean,” said the policeman. – Marcia Marvelous

Lone Ranger Blacklist Kingpin?

(Santa Barbara — Feb 10, 2015) The Long Ranger, hero to thousands of Saturday morning viewers years ago, may be linked to “rogue savior of democracy” Joseph McCarthy and his heralded witch hunts in the Fifties.
According to a close, unreliable source that claims to have sat on the infamous House Committee on Un-American Activities, the Masked Man may have single-handedly ruined the careers of over 100 innocent but alleged Communist sympathizers between 1950 and 1952.
“He had a particularly gruesome vendetta against anyone who he perceived to be competition,” frowned the source. No one who rode a horse across the Silver Screen was safe.”
Congressional records just released suggest that the masked man fingered Gene Autry, Tom Mix, Roy Rogers, Hopalong Cassidy, the Cisco Kid, Jingles, Miss Kitty, Johnny Yuma, The Rifleman, Sugarfoot, Bret and Bart Maverick, Dale Evans and Ben Cartwright in 1951 alone. Back at the Hollywood bunkhouse the boys began calling him “the masked stoolie”.
Late in 1951, the Lone Ranger turned on his old pal Trigger, accusing the mount of harboring leftist ideologies. He followed this betrayal with an indictment of his loyal sidekick Tonto during the summer. This stance prompted the now famous retort “Me no commie Kemosabe” which tugged at the heartstrings of Americans easily as much as Richard Nixon’s Checkers Speech and Lyndon Johnson’s Gulf of Tonkin Resolution, which came later in the Dulles Brothers’ detrimental foreign policy scenario.
With his own series cancelled in 1958 the Masked Man ran for several minor bureaucratic positions in Southern California before getting religion and dying in 1969.
At the subsequent funeral a family spokesman told reporters that all of the public accusations were without merit, although she fell short of denying any of them. She pointed to the Ranger’s generosity in leaving both Tonto and Trigger substantial holdings in Nevada.
The righteous warrior, McCarthy, who died of alcoholism in 1957, was often featured as an extra on the television program, usually playing a bad guy. The American Civil Liberties Union has promised to look into this entire matter after lunch. – Kashmir Horseshoe