All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Colorful Diet

(Cumberland Conundrum —  January 20, 2015) Back in 1957, Allie Teete survived for two weeks and a day on a diet of salmon eggs, earthworms and beer while marooned on a deserted island in the middle of Blue Mesa. Moments after his rescue, Teete told reporters that he limited his intake to 3 eggs, two worms and a handful of beer each day. He further claimed that he had become intimate with the local fish and could not bring himself to eat his new friends.

Century Link Office Without Service

(Special from Hello Phone!  –  February 10, 2015) The local office of Century Link has been without telephone service since earlier this week due to the actions of an undetermined employee or employees in an undisclosed office somewhere over the rainbow.
“We have called and called to get this matter sorted out but we are either put on hold or run through an annoying series of prompts and hoops,” said Orem Zapp, of the detached corporate telephone provider. “Century Link needs to hire more “service professionals” or lower its rates. Paying customers should not have to deal with this runaround.”
The service was apparently cut-off back on Wednesday due to what has now been logged as nonpayment. Sources at Century Link are convinced that someone simply hit the wrong switch somewhere in its vast empire of wires and digital beeps.
“This is ridiculous,” cried Zapp. “We always pay our bills on time.”
According to a hastily formatted response, Century Link says the disconnected party has not paid a phone bill since the days of Ma Bell and the Pony Express.
Citing case number 45kk30091LSMFT, Century Link contends that irresponsible behavior demands punitive actions be taken: The disconnection of the offending member.
Century Link offices here continue to be without service. Corporate sources, insulated by design from its client base, have estimated that the cut-off party will have to pay $2143.06 to reconnect. Today’s correspondence verifies that the amount will continue to increase until the bill is paid in full.
“We are not demons,” said one company spokesperson. “We can set up a payment plan.”
Meanwhile, employees at the secret underground facility located somewhere beneath the Uncompahgre Plateau are carrying on with the daily exchange by employing CB radios and homing pigeons.
Fortunately the postal service is on its toes,” said Zapp, “so we can continue to send out invoices to our customers in good standing.
– Susie Compost

Town Rejected as Nuclear Waste Dump

(Montrose, Colorado —  Atomic Chronicle — January 20, 2015) To the profound disappointment of the residents of Manana, Colorado, Chem-Nuclear Systems has soundly disqualified the locale saying it is not nice enough to be used as a proposed site for a low-level radioactive waste repository.
“It’s a shock, to say the last,” said one incredulous resident of the economically depressed, often desperate burgh where children once ate uranium tailings for breakfast. “Was it something we said?”
When a town is dismissed as a potential waste site, the future looks bleak especially considering most towns do not want this kind of industry in their backyard.
“We painted the place and spruced up the dump and all the junk yards,” whined another inhabitant. “The river still moves and the rocks still shine.”
“Manana is a lovely town,” said a spokesman for Chem-Nuclear. “The people are friendly and supportive and cheap labor abounds. The hunting and fishing are the best and the views are incredible. But, frankly Manana did not have what we were looking for in a radioactive dumpsite. You might say Manana was not our cup of tea…or in this case our cup of swill.”
One storekeeper expressed it well, saying the dismissal was a lot like asking the ugliest person you can find to marry you only to be turned down flat. He then told reporters that the entire town is depressed and humiliated by the actions of Chem-Nuclear.
“We think the company is run by liberals,” he scoffed.
In a related development, officials here confirmed rumors that the United States Air Force is searching for a new bombing range and target test area with structures intact.
“Sure, we’ll fill out the forms and apply for the position,” said one councilperson, “but after losing the dump our hearts are barely into it.”
– Mel Toole

Local Attorney Sues Self for Millions

(Lake City — Hinsdale Howler and Miner — January 20, 2015) A local lawyer has filed a $3 million lawsuit against herself in District Quart this morning. The document alleges that she “willfully did seek to diminish fiscal potential which then did irreparable harm to herself and her cats.
Wathena Savoy, a failed denture maker who turned to the law in 2003, sat unmoved as the preliminary hearing proceeded. She then confronted the court loudly, accusing herself of spending her grocery money at the local bar.
She then went into a clever charade explaining how she spent over $2000 on lottery tickets (to win $2) and has maintained constant credit card debt over $70,000. Later, last spring, she drove her sparkling new 2014 Henway off Slumgullion Pass after allowing her insurance to expire.
A now tearful Savoy then broke down and told the judge that she had buried over $25,000 in a coffee can to avoid paying tax on the sum. Unfortunately she got stoned and forgot where she had hidden the loot.
“And now the phone bill is overdue,” she sobbed.
Savoy ended her pungent soliloquy by begging the court for mercy and a few dollars to pay the parking meter. – Peter Pecker

JANUARY KIOSK

Colona, Colorado – January 10, 2015
A selection of announcements deemed necessary for the daily health and well being of our reader composed by pompous red-nosed bureaucrats in our editorial kennels.

LEAP YEAR VACCINATION DEADLINE
February 5 is the final deadline to get your Leap Year Vaccination. According to the Colorado Bored of Health this shot may protect Colorado residents from moral bankruptcy, killer bees, telephone solicitors, sexual innuendo, overcooked fish platters, insurance fraud, the scurvy, omnipotence and malpractice suits. The locations of this intrinsic medical procedure are secret and can only be discovered by purchasing at least one magazine subscription (see page 28) between now and the end of January. Complimentary services often associated with this preventative inoculation include weekend laundry service and access to cheap long distance rates. For more information go hang out at the corner of Main and Townsend in Montrose. One of our representatives will be with you momentarily.

CAR ALARM BAN STARTS THURSDAY
A strict car alarm ban will be enforced as of Thursday according to a spokesman for the Crested Butte and Jack’s Cabin Police League. No exceptions will be made. If you have a car alarm and live in this jurisdiction it is suggested that you rewire your vehicle or trade it in for one without the annoying accessory. Persons apprehended after noise ordinance abuses will be jailed without coffee and/or beaten about the head and shoulders while undergoing extensive exposure to hip-hop tunes from the North Fork Valley.

UN Weapons Inspection Teams Landing in Washington
United Nations weapons inspection teams are currently landing in Washington DC to begin surveillance of suspected arsenals here. Despite the presence of Iraqis on the investigative team US officials have promised to cooperate with the probe. The United States is said to possess assault technology of mass destruction and may be capable of building offensive chemical weapons. Citizens are advised to avoid the area until next week. If you have weapons of this nature in your dominion please turn yourself over to the United Nations prior to Ground Hog Day.

Gang Appreciation Day Canceled
The first annual Gang Appreciation Day, scheduled for Saturday at Larimer Square in Denver has been canceled. Authorities had hoped to lure violent gang members into the architectural canyons of the Mile High City then conduct sweeping arrests on charges of illegal assembly. Unfortunately the gang members, often three to four steps ahead of the cops, got wind of the operation and fled to Cheyenne for the weekend. No make-up date has been slated.

A Penny Saved…
The United States Postal Service has repeated a warning to persons intent on sticking copper pennies behind 32-cent stamps in an attempt to qualify for new first-class rates. In a direct statement the postmasters say: Anyone observed engaging in such senseless behavior will be ignored until further notice. It is not clear why the post office has expressed concern over this matter or why anyone would go to all the trouble to foul up mail service. Terrorism is feared.
– Uncle Pahgre

Santa Claus hanging up his spurs

(Silverton, CO – North Pole Recorder and Pacifier – January 20, 2015)
The Jolly Old Elk is leaning heavier on his middle name these days saying that he’s had enough reindeer and sleigh to last him a millennium. The announcement that Santa was quitting came as no surprise, especially to his trusted elves.
“The guy’s a real sweetheart, you know,” said Lawrence Elfe, who has been pounding out toys and sewing children’s clothing since 1947. “He’s always happy. He loves this Santa Claus thing. The problem now is that he’s worn down to nothing. He’s got holes in his breeches and holes in his elbow patches.”
Santa, who has accumulated a vast portfolio, will most likely spend his time in Western Colorado.
“He’s got the Gladstone cabin and the town house in Paris,” smiled Elfe. “It doesn’t take a magic reindeer to figure out where to spend August. He’ll be up in the San Juans.”
Unreliable sources near the elf say he has considered politics but has no platform and has shown interest in becoming a hip-hop singer, having penned some 300 songs to date.
“A lot of us have pushed him toward coaching,” said Elfe. “He was quite a wrestler in high school and I think he has all the tools to be successful.”
– Henny Penny