All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Mr. Clean Burglar Evades Police
(Ouray, Colorado – February 10, 2015) A compulsive second-story man, dubbed Mr. Clean buy local police, is still at large after three more break-ins were reported over the weekend. Authorities believe that over 100 intrusions and thefts since November can be attributed to this slick and resilient crook who leaves his personal calling card in cleanser, mops and soap suds.
In one particularly peculiar heist Mr. Clean (or Senor Limpia for our Latino readers) lifted two televisions, a boom box, a stuffed rifle case, a camera, a small doggie bed, three hand towels, a can of tuna and a crushed velour Elvis wall hanging. Then, after apparently loading the items in his step-van, he returned to the scene of the crime to do the dirty dishes in the sink, vacuum the living room, wash the kitchen windows and leave a note to remind the inhabitants to take out the trash.
“At least he or she is neat,” said one patrolman after viewing a home invasion. “It would be to no one’s advantage if the intruder ransacked the place or punches holes in the walls and ceiling when he was finished. In all my years with the department I have never seen a crook with such motivation, such sense of hygiene. Why the thief even cleans under the refrigerator. Nobody does that.”
Police have linked Mr. Clean to the robberies after linking discarded Brillo pads, sponges and other cleaning apparatus to the intrusions.
“It’s almost like he wants us to catch him and tell him what a nice job he did on the linoleum or the woodwork,” continued the officer. “He would probably welcome the white glove test after each visit.”
At present police are keeping a close watch on grocery stories in the area, hoping to spot suspicious janitorial purchases. Attempts to lure Mr. Clean into a trap at the Marinated Arms Trailer Park failed yesterday as the clever crook outwitted the cops and walked off with a bathroom ensemble and two tiffany lamps worth an estimated $1200 on the burgeoning black market.
“We knew right away that our “old buddy” had been on the premises,” winked the officer. “The dishes were still wet in the rack, the litter box had been emptied and the smell of lavender air freshener was everywhere.”
It has been suggested that all residents of the tri-county area add a dead-bolt lock in entryways. The lock, exterior lighting and an alarm system might be a deterrent to crime.
“We also encourage all residents at risk to keep their houses clean,” said the policeman. – Marcia Marvelous
Lone Ranger Blacklist Kingpin?
(Santa Barbara — Feb 10, 2015) The Long Ranger, hero to thousands of Saturday morning viewers years ago, may be linked to “rogue savior of democracy” Joseph McCarthy and his heralded witch hunts in the Fifties.
According to a close, unreliable source that claims to have sat on the infamous House Committee on Un-American Activities, the Masked Man may have single-handedly ruined the careers of over 100 innocent but alleged Communist sympathizers between 1950 and 1952.
“He had a particularly gruesome vendetta against anyone who he perceived to be competition,” frowned the source. No one who rode a horse across the Silver Screen was safe.”
Congressional records just released suggest that the masked man fingered Gene Autry, Tom Mix, Roy Rogers, Hopalong Cassidy, the Cisco Kid, Jingles, Miss Kitty, Johnny Yuma, The Rifleman, Sugarfoot, Bret and Bart Maverick, Dale Evans and Ben Cartwright in 1951 alone. Back at the Hollywood bunkhouse the boys began calling him “the masked stoolie”.
Late in 1951, the Lone Ranger turned on his old pal Trigger, accusing the mount of harboring leftist ideologies. He followed this betrayal with an indictment of his loyal sidekick Tonto during the summer. This stance prompted the now famous retort “Me no commie Kemosabe” which tugged at the heartstrings of Americans easily as much as Richard Nixon’s Checkers Speech and Lyndon Johnson’s Gulf of Tonkin Resolution, which came later in the Dulles Brothers’ detrimental foreign policy scenario.
With his own series cancelled in 1958 the Masked Man ran for several minor bureaucratic positions in Southern California before getting religion and dying in 1969.
At the subsequent funeral a family spokesman told reporters that all of the public accusations were without merit, although she fell short of denying any of them. She pointed to the Ranger’s generosity in leaving both Tonto and Trigger substantial holdings in Nevada.
The righteous warrior, McCarthy, who died of alcoholism in 1957, was often featured as an extra on the television program, usually playing a bad guy. The American Civil Liberties Union has promised to look into this entire matter after lunch. – Kashmir Horseshoe
Colorful Diet
(Cumberland Conundrum — January 20, 2015) Back in 1957, Allie Teete survived for two weeks and a day on a diet of salmon eggs, earthworms and beer while marooned on a deserted island in the middle of Blue Mesa. Moments after his rescue, Teete told reporters that he limited his intake to 3 eggs, two worms and a handful of beer each day. He further claimed that he had become intimate with the local fish and could not bring himself to eat his new friends.
Century Link Office Without Service
(Special from Hello Phone! – February 10, 2015) The local office of Century Link has been without telephone service since earlier this week due to the actions of an undetermined employee or employees in an undisclosed office somewhere over the rainbow.
“We have called and called to get this matter sorted out but we are either put on hold or run through an annoying series of prompts and hoops,” said Orem Zapp, of the detached corporate telephone provider. “Century Link needs to hire more “service professionals” or lower its rates. Paying customers should not have to deal with this runaround.”
The service was apparently cut-off back on Wednesday due to what has now been logged as nonpayment. Sources at Century Link are convinced that someone simply hit the wrong switch somewhere in its vast empire of wires and digital beeps.
“This is ridiculous,” cried Zapp. “We always pay our bills on time.”
According to a hastily formatted response, Century Link says the disconnected party has not paid a phone bill since the days of Ma Bell and the Pony Express.
Citing case number 45kk30091LSMFT, Century Link contends that irresponsible behavior demands punitive actions be taken: The disconnection of the offending member.
Century Link offices here continue to be without service. Corporate sources, insulated by design from its client base, have estimated that the cut-off party will have to pay $2143.06 to reconnect. Today’s correspondence verifies that the amount will continue to increase until the bill is paid in full.
“We are not demons,” said one company spokesperson. “We can set up a payment plan.”
Meanwhile, employees at the secret underground facility located somewhere beneath the Uncompahgre Plateau are carrying on with the daily exchange by employing CB radios and homing pigeons.
Fortunately the postal service is on its toes,” said Zapp, “so we can continue to send out invoices to our customers in good standing.
– Susie Compost
Town Rejected as Nuclear Waste Dump
(Montrose, Colorado — Atomic Chronicle — January 20, 2015) To the profound disappointment of the residents of Manana, Colorado, Chem-Nuclear Systems has soundly disqualified the locale saying it is not nice enough to be used as a proposed site for a low-level radioactive waste repository.
“It’s a shock, to say the last,” said one incredulous resident of the economically depressed, often desperate burgh where children once ate uranium tailings for breakfast. “Was it something we said?”
When a town is dismissed as a potential waste site, the future looks bleak especially considering most towns do not want this kind of industry in their backyard.
“We painted the place and spruced up the dump and all the junk yards,” whined another inhabitant. “The river still moves and the rocks still shine.”
“Manana is a lovely town,” said a spokesman for Chem-Nuclear. “The people are friendly and supportive and cheap labor abounds. The hunting and fishing are the best and the views are incredible. But, frankly Manana did not have what we were looking for in a radioactive dumpsite. You might say Manana was not our cup of tea…or in this case our cup of swill.”
One storekeeper expressed it well, saying the dismissal was a lot like asking the ugliest person you can find to marry you only to be turned down flat. He then told reporters that the entire town is depressed and humiliated by the actions of Chem-Nuclear.
“We think the company is run by liberals,” he scoffed.
In a related development, officials here confirmed rumors that the United States Air Force is searching for a new bombing range and target test area with structures intact.
“Sure, we’ll fill out the forms and apply for the position,” said one councilperson, “but after losing the dump our hearts are barely into it.”
– Mel Toole
Local Attorney Sues Self for Millions
(Lake City — Hinsdale Howler and Miner — January 20, 2015) A local lawyer has filed a $3 million lawsuit against herself in District Quart this morning. The document alleges that she “willfully did seek to diminish fiscal potential which then did irreparable harm to herself and her cats.
Wathena Savoy, a failed denture maker who turned to the law in 2003, sat unmoved as the preliminary hearing proceeded. She then confronted the court loudly, accusing herself of spending her grocery money at the local bar.
She then went into a clever charade explaining how she spent over $2000 on lottery tickets (to win $2) and has maintained constant credit card debt over $70,000. Later, last spring, she drove her sparkling new 2014 Henway off Slumgullion Pass after allowing her insurance to expire.
A now tearful Savoy then broke down and told the judge that she had buried over $25,000 in a coffee can to avoid paying tax on the sum. Unfortunately she got stoned and forgot where she had hidden the loot.
“And now the phone bill is overdue,” she sobbed.
Savoy ended her pungent soliloquy by begging the court for mercy and a few dollars to pay the parking meter. – Peter Pecker
