All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

AMERICANS MOST HAPPY WITH CROOK IN WHITE HOUSE

(Special Report From Way Back in 1882 — June 10, 2015)
(Ouray – 1882) According to an extensive survey 68% of American voters feel more comfortable with a crook in the White House than otherwise. With the recent election of Chester A. Arthur to the Presidency voters have confirmed data collected in the study.
Arthur became President after the assassination of James A. Garfield. A professional politician, Arthur achieved his goals by manipulating the political machine rising to power during a period of widespread dishonesty in every phase of government. Critics even go so far as to accuse Arthur of compliance in the murder.
He began his rough and tumble political career helping another crook, Republican Edwin D Morgan, become governor of New York for the second time. He was rewarded with an appointment as a general in the New York militia prior to the Civil War. When the war actually began Arthur had a safe and cushy job outfitting the militia for federal service. In 1862 he became state quartermaster general and his personal wealth grew quickly.
After the war he was appointed Collector for the Port of New York by another honest man, President U.S. Grant. During his tenure he saw to it that party regulars were given the good jobs. They, in turn paid, a percentage of their wages into Republican party campaign funds. Clever.
After Rutherford B. Hayes became President in 1877 he attempted to control this spoils system that had emerged. He appointed a commission to investigate the New York Customs House and it reported that three officers, including Arthur were neglecting their duties to handle party matters.
According to Frederick T. Frelinghuysen, Arthur’s Secretary of State Arthur has never done anything anyone else hadn’t already done.
“He’s no bigger crook than Grant…or even Hayes,” said Frelinghuysen. “His manipulation and sale of the Brooklyn Bridge will go down in history as “good business”. His renovation of the White House after it was occupied but downright slobs deserves acclaim,” said the secretary. “Just because all of his old buddies are getting rich off the American taxpayer doesn’t make him a bad guy.”
Many Americans, waking up to the threats from outside interests see a capable President as one who can make a few deals, twist a few wrists. They seem to accept the fact that some graft will occur and ignore hands in the cookie jar. Under all those whiskers they prefer to see their President as a good guy who is deserving of respect.
“We can’t keep a eye on the Brits and the lid on the Indian situation without someone who can pull a few strings residing in the White House,” explained one voter. “I say let him have at it. If he gets thrown in jail there’s always his vice-President, if he only had one.”

“Nobody outside of a judge’s chamber or a baby carriage believes in an unprejudiced point of view’. – Lillian Hellman

Faithful Warned of Shortages in Hereafter

(Bridge of Heaven – Ouray County, Colorado –May 25, 2015)

Persons expecting to enter the Pearly Gates should be aware of heavenly imperfections, even up there, said Rev. Price Bullwhistle, at a meeting of the Rich, Privileged Christians held last night.

Bullwhistle said that while most everything is cushy, there are a few rough spots still to work out. He then stressed that the righteous follow him in embracing a little reality where eternity is concerned.

“Many of the saved may not have their own bathroom in heaven,” he offered, “nor will all the meals feature meat. We must be patient with the angels,” he flinched. “A well-rounded Christian can adapt, especially considering the known alternatives.”

Other news covered in the three-hour session focused on eliminating political and cultural rivals and making more money for the congregation.

Quoting from the Book of Moammar, one of the Bad Angels of Orange County, Bullwhistle noted some of the more cutting shortages in the Great Beyond:

1. Fuel is in short supply up there due in part to delivery distances and Purgatorial bandits along the way. Myths about 29-cent gas and full service garages are bunk and nothing more. Since OPEC is staffed with heathens who cannot go to heaven anyway the organization has en none to quick to drop prices.
2. Fast food outlets are disappearing at a rapid pace since the celestial populace has rejected that fare in favor of a healthier intake. Shortages of wilted lettuce and stale ketchup have not helped the situation.
3. Moses no longer drives a red Cadillac. He now operates a Toyota, built in Tel Aviv.
4. Pay phones are not still 5 cents in fact they are up to a half-dollar, if one can find one that works. A call from heaven to, say, Limbo can cost $40 for 3 minutes while the cost to call hell is obscenely expensive.
5. Lift tickets are not $10 at sacred ski resorts but have climbed to the ungodly sum of $35. Greens fees are out of this world too.

Bullwhistle went on to tell the assembled faithful that politics exhibit a mean streak in paradise, just like on earth.

“Richard Nixon was never pardoned up there,” he bellowed through his flag-draped megaphone. “He wasn’t even elected governor of California either.”

According to Bullwhistle black and white footage of the 1936 Olympics in Munich does not show Adolph Hitler shaking hands with Jesse Owens after the latter, a Black American stole the Aryan Show. Hitler, who lives downstairs, is a popular after-dinner speaker demanding 120,000 indulgences per speech. Even he complains about the quality of the whirlpool strudel, which is anonymously served by SS cheerleaders, after each performance.

On a social note Bullwhistle warned of such common myths like “I’m in heaven now so I can eat as much as I like or Forget about personal hygiene. I’m a spirit now and nobody can smell me anyway.”

Imagine if you will, started Bullwhistle, a slow-moving elevator crammed with the fat and the righteous. No toothpaste, no deodorant on this excursion. Hey, who dropped the soap?” he cackled. “Hell may indeed brandish its fury but we would have smelleth heaven’s wrath!”

The reverend continued by verifying that the New York Times Book Review and The Daily Show are easily found in heaven. He confirmed that falling through clouds injured at least 140,000 Heavenians since the turn of the last century.

“Persons who judge their neighbor down here will be saddled with less than good footing up there,” he smiled.

– Saint Roscoe of Paddycake

Farcheezies Join REA on Kebler Power Line Spat

(Crested Butte CO — May 25, 2015) Internationally renown high-wire artists Margot and Slim Farcheezie have hired on with the local rural electric association. The collaboration is in an attempt to smooth feathers and lighten the hearts of residents here, angry over power surges and proposed power line expansion.
Many inhabitants feel that the electric company shuts off power during off-season months yet still charges the same. They say this recent marriage with the Farcheezies is a further attempt to convince its customers that a new Kebler power line is necessary. Local environmentalists say the power line will only disrupt wildlife and create an unsightly intrusion in an otherwise pristine locale.
“We regulate the power during what was once called off-season to save energy and since no one of any consequence is in town anyway,” quipped an electric spokesman.
The Farcheezies are quite popular in Crested Butte due to Croatian heritage and longtime association with CF&I in Pueblo. The two own 28 dogs. Suspicious citizens see the arrangement is another attempt to whitewash the matter and go on with the master plan.
“A good number of the newer residents in Crested Butte, thinking they have found a utopia, do not have electricity and want to keep it that way,” said Sallie Scallope of the utility concern. “Sure they do. Just let them make it through a winter without the amenities that your power company provides. Ha!”
According to the current direction the Farcheezies will be on call 24 hours a day to trouble shoot Kebler, offering transport and live polka music on heavy snow days. The electric company has spent a reported $35,000 on trapeze equipment, hire wires, tights, tutu dresses, lighting, nets and an orthopedic seat for Mr. Farcheezie.
“Anything is better than paving Kebler,” gasped one resident.
Horseshoe readers may remember the Farcheezies from back in 1981 when the pair was inked to extend the debt ceiling while controlling inflation in South America. Anyone wishing to speak directly to the Farcheezies should call the Irwin Lodge here they will be staying until their doublewide arrives from Eastern Europe. – Teddy Kilowatt

RE 11785 PASSES

(From The Fervent Gossip – San Juan Mountain – May 25, 2015)

The passage of RE 11785 comes as no surprise to anyone associated with the measure. Opponents swallowed defeat quietly while supporters enjoyed their place in the sun. The electorate was uninterested in the action, as has become a pattern, preferring to worry about terrorists or go shopping.
“The funny thing about RE 11785 is that no one in these chambers has any idea what it is about or what it entails,” gaped Melvin Toolini, 95, a wealthy peanut butter and jelly rancher who bought his Senate seat in 1954. “No one read it. No one discussed it and, to top it off no one claims responsibility for its origin.”
RE 11785, which slated to become law in the fall, may effect everyday life or have no impact at all according to legislators. Many feel it will be stored away with the mounds of other laws that are not enforced or not applied to a given situation.
“I wouldn’t get all worked up over this petty development,” quipped Toolini, his beady eyes surveying the room for enemies and allies. “At least we finally agree on something.” – Small Mouth Bess

Vatican “Holding” Cash for Second Coming

(Special to The Horseshoe from Rome – April 25, 2015)

Pope Francis has addressed the massed wealth of the Vatican in light of hungry constituents around the world. In his annual Easter Message the populist pontiff told a crowd in St Peter’s Square that the church was saving the money for the Second Coming.
“When Jesus returns he’ll need a little spending money and we are busy securing those funds for him,” said Pope Francis. “We can’t have the man out begging or performing miracles just to eat,” he said, in direct reference to the great prophet’s return to earth at an undisclosed time.
When asked how much money will be given as compared to how much is in the coffer the Pope declined to answer suggesting interested parties contact Cardinal Mario Plata over at the Vatican Treasury.
The Pontiff then said that the status of the fortune stashed here was unclear and that he planned to earmark half for distribution among the poor.
“And not just Catholics,” offered Plata. “Hindus, Buddhists, Muslims, Jews and even Protestants are on the Vatican radar.”
Sources here continue to struggle over who gets what when the floodgates open.
“It’s kind of like a big family deciding on who gets what after the death of a patriarch or matriarch except we are talking about millions of people and quite a chunk of change.”
Francis’ recent pronouncement on the validity of climate change and a directory of what practicing Catholics should do to confront the problem, is sure to anger plenty of deniers in their pompous pews from Dublin to Darwin. – Melvin Toolini

Macramé Hemp Condoms the Rage

(Western Colorado Crafts – Ridgway, CO – April 25, 2015)
In 2003 Wanda Epsonne was waitressing at the Wimpton Truckstop during the day and taking in laundry in the afternoon just to make ends meet. Now, thanks to growing public health awareness and the mastery of an ancient art Epsonne is knocking down seven figures.
Her cottage industry: Macramé condoms made from distilled hemp that she sells all over the world. The operation, employing 100 people and turning out 35,000 hemp/rubber sheaths per day, has drawn applause from some and criticism from others.
“We’re always looking for good workers,” said Epsonne, turning the interview into a help wanted advertisement. “The position requires someone who can macramé fast and has a sense of humor to go with it.”
Despite efforts to regulate the sale of the controversial items most are purchased by tobacco companies, seeking to diversify in the light of anti-smoking campaigns and a drop in sales.
“They have pulled out of the heavy tobacco manufacturing and embraced the burgeoning birth control market,” said Epsonne. “although our condoms are more than that. Who knows the level of functionality when these boys get done adding filters and chemicals? They lied once and they are doing it again.”
Sales are creeping up but 35,000 macramé condoms are quite a boatload. Epsonne says she hopes to stop reliance on tobacco companies to make her nut.
“We are reaching the cream of the crop, the people that know a good thing when they see it, but then there are the others, the sheep out there, that need a little two by four action. Most don’t even know what LSMFT means. Dumb bastards.”
A former Trojan cheerleader (USC), Epsonne moved to Western Colorado in 1998 searching for gold and a husband. Her first gutty venture, a home for displaced pigeons, never got off the ground while her choice of men left her waddling near bankruptcy.
The idea to create macramé condoms grew out of a desire to jumpstart the hemp industry while relieving the already overtaxed rubber plantations of Malaysia and Borneo.
“We want to create wanted jobs not unwanted children,” she said, “and make a fortune doing it.” – Susie Compost