All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Deadline for hibernation permits draws near
(Bland Valley — October 12, 2015)
Residents who wish to hibernate this winter have until Thursday to obtain official Colorado Hibernation Permits. The procedure is simple enough, as applicants must only stop by the nearest Division of Wildlife office to pick up the needed forms.
“We have begun to closely monitor hibernation since more and more people have expressed interest in this winter diversion,” said Melvin Toole, Director of Latent Dormancy for the Western Slope. “This, combined with the population explosion here, has made cave space a premium and has threatened to disrupt the peace and quiet enjoyed for centuries by innocent fur-bearing animals.”
In addition to a small fee, persons wishing to enter this torpid state must also undergo a hibernation safety course, which is offered on Saturdays until January.
“In effect, this is an extended deadline,” smiled Toole, “and we hope participants will be kind to our clerks when registering. We know you’re tired but getting testy with our people will only make matters worse.”
Portrait of the Rockies Before the Storm
Even above Crested Butte the warm afternoons linger. (October 9, 2015)
Fall Gold in Hinsdale County
Golden Aspen Near Lake City (September 30, 2015)
ON THE COUCH
with Doctor Ardmore Thorazine, PhD, BFD, LSMFT.
(Psychosis for the Little Guy Magazine September 27, 2015)
Post Holiday Depression Should be Subsiding by Now
Hello patients! Once again we have reached that special plateau when, because I went to graduate school in psychology, I have the distinct privilege to explain to you just why you are crazy.
This episode of On The Couch will focus on post-holiday depression that is often caused by pre-holiday euphoria. However, since it is September and Christmas was 9 months ago I strongly suggest that you try letting the whole thing go. That’s it…blow it out and begin anew. Let it go. Yes, let it all go.
These negative feelings are understandable in January but c’mon you wimp and stand up to life in February and March! Symptoms, isolated as they might be, are a sure sign of a more serious problem that, when treated with continued therapy, could generate enough money for me to pay off my condo in Crested Butte.
Our goal is to ease post-holiday depression before dealing with double indemnity passages emerge inside the noggin next December. I prefer to embrace drug therapy, which has always been more enjoyable than couch time. It is also more effective and can be harnessed over the counter despite what those fools at the AMA dogmatize.
Post-holiday depression, like post-coital depression, post-hypnotic apprehension, postponed suggestion and post-nasal drip is caused primarily by the presence of unresolved anger and inner hostility. Often a consumer, who has just dropped hundreds of dollars on worthless Christmas presents for the inappreciative, feels empty, lethargic, and yes, a little guilty.
These feelings of displaced resentment, even rage, can be dealt a swift and severe setback by the application of Gestalt Therapy, group encounters, Ying and Yang sessions, tantric sex, primal cleansings and electro-shock therapy. I prefer the last solution since I have invested a lot of money into electronics. This treatment, while painful, does not demand full patient compliance or even participation. The subject must simply show up.
First: The patient must realize he/she has an illness. Mental preparation must go hand-in-hand with trust and a down payment for services about to be rendered. Playing Christmas music, decorating the home and trimming a tree even though it’s not the Yuletide, are effective means to counteract fears and concerns.
Next: A visit to a bona fide department store Santa is a must, even if he’s not in costume or on duty…Even if he’s in floral swimming trunks or a blaze-orange vest.
Go ahead and tell him what you want for Christmas and palm him a ten spot. Try to remember Christmas as a child. (If you are a child try to remember Christmas as your grandfather might have experienced it.)
Then: Bake a ham or turkey and bring it along to your shock therapy sitting. Our staff will enjoy something to eat while you are zapped repeatedly in keeping with prescribed seismograph oscillations. Be sure to wear your best conductive clothing and bring along someone to drive you home or to the funeral parlor.
Next Month: The biophysics of bridge jumping
Wine Bottles in Coffee Paradise
After just a night or two? A glass collection in Salento, Colombia. Great coffee here but most of the wine comes from Argentina and Chile. (Photo by Delinda Austin – September 25, 2015)
Warning To All Lobbysists
(Washington DC Pitchfork Press September 20, 2015)
At approximately 9:43 pm on October 31, 2015 we will begin seizing all lobbyists operating within the confines of our nation’s capital, the City of Washington DC. These parasites will then be escorted to Virginia or Maryland, dropped off on the side of the road, and prohibited from returning to Washington for any reason at any time.
Laptops and cell phones belonging to trespassing/offending lobbyists will be confiscated after this date. Anyone who has engaged in the fiscal manipulation of elected officials in the past two years will be will be detained indefinitely.
No special consideration for holders of permits/invitations will be honored. Letters of reference from Congressmen or unelected federal officials will be discarded, the holder most likely facing Spartan incarceration. We see the Congress as a willing participant in these sleazy dealings that bilk the people.
Lobbyists caught engaging in outright bribery after Nov 1 will face public execution, as will corporate representatives thought to be operating in a paperless or clandestine manner. If the situation improves we will refrain from further violent solutions to rampant greed. Anyone aiding this clearly criminal element in our society or failing to comply with our long overdue action will be neutralized.
For the human victims of corporate piracy.
The Pitchfork Party of America
