All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Dinosaurs Bored to Death?

(Old Stone Age Thought —  August 10, 2015)

(Rangely) Scientists working in remote, rugged stretches of Northwest Colorado have stumbled across somewhat disturbing data intimating that dinosaurs and other giant lizards may not have met their demise due to a great flood, climate change or a break in the food chain, as had been previously surmised.
The extinct titans are believed to have suffered their last indignity in the high valleys of the Rockies and in particular near what were then the thriving cave person centers of Sunbeam and Maybell.
“We found fossils and prehistoric relics all over the ground here,” Said Professor Rex Tyrone of the University of Downtown Delta. “Many of these preserved treasures suggest nail biting, endless migrations, petty squabbles and depression. All of these symptoms are linked to chronic boredom, and we have just scratched the Paleolithic surface.”
Tyrone, himself a bit of a dinosaur in the halls of higher education, told The Horseshoe that these same behavior patterns have emerged within the humans species since the invention of the wheel and later, the internet.
“The tedious yet humdrum existence may well have caused the dinosaurs to make a hasty exit, self-destructing as early as 9000 BC, give or take a few millenniums,” he explained. “The end of these reptiles can be directly related to the “too much time on his hands” postulate that we observe in RV enthusiasts, daytime TV viewers and people who hoard money.”
The researcher went on to suggest that many dinosaurs lost their way during liar’s poker games that were quite popular throughout the Epicurean Era.
Other scientists, considering this biological and behavioral phenomenon, disagree vehemently with Tyrone’s hypothesis calling it childish speculation. One added that Tyrone “couldn’t tell the difference between a Brontosaurus and a Bratwurst.”
In his signature cool response, Tyrone suggested that his boredom theory has both metaphysical and geographic merit.
“These charlatans should spend a Saturday night in Rangely so as to grasp the concept of dullness, monotony and ennui,” spouted Tyrone. “Just one Saturday night is all I ask and they will see that my findings take on a meaningful clarity. In a nutshell: It ain’t no Delta.” – Gabby Haze

Early Swimming Lessons No Help With Bed Wetting

(Ridgway, CO — Yellow River Press – May 10, 2015)

Enrolling toddlers in swimming programs will do little or nothing to relieve the symptoms of bed wetting issues say physicians at Mao Clinic here. Although the associations are clear and the links are obvious, submerging little children in water in the morning won’t help them stay dry through the night.
Staying dry in bed and getting wet in the pool have no connection. Often children wet the bed due to juvenile traumas that increase with guilt and fear of repetition. Most will grow out of the behavior and should not be pressured.
“Our kids turn out to be great swimmers,” said Coach Eddie Edwards of the Montrose Marlins. “We have never considered any other therapy that may be going on in the pool. Bed-wetting has never been an issue, even with the younger swimmers. Besides, how would we know if the condition was present? Everybody’s soaked here.”
The origin of this kind of thinking has never been clear. Pediatricians remain guarded about any positives that may emerge due to socialization and sleeping structure, or even the affects of cold water on the developing human body.
“Coincidental solutions are valid,” said one medical researcher. “But we can’t rely on them. The rule of thumb here is prevention. Water intake before bed and monitoring can help. Keep the patient in a cool and dry place. Apply behavior modification. Swimming lessons, like flying lessons, salsa lessons or cooking lessons will do little to lessen bed-wetting.
– Tommy Middlefinger

Psychological Studies of Men in Public Restrooms

By Dr Joyce Bothers and Dr. Ruth Westhymen

EXCITABLE: Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole. Rips clothing in stressful dilemma.

SOCIABLE: Joins friends for a leak whether he needs to go or not.

NOSY: Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

CROSS-EYED: Looks into the urinal at left, uses center urinal, flushes urinal on right. Upset that he cannot find the right paper towel rack or hand dryer.

TIMID: Cannot urinate if someone else is watching. Flushes urinal as if business concluded only to double back and pee when he is alone. This neurosis can expand if not confronted. Some men can’t urinate if there is someone else in the room, the building, the parking lot, the county…

INDIFFERENT: If all urinals are occupied he goes in the sink.

CLOWN: Look! No hands. He shows off adjusting tie, looks around at mess on floor as if someone else is responsible.

WORRIED: Not sure what he’s been doing of late. Makes flash inspection while standing at urinal.

FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up and down urinal. Tries to hit fly.

ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, undoes belt, unties shoes, wets pants.

DISGUSTED: Stands for a long while before giving up and walking over to the sink.

CHILDISH: Leaks directly into urinal bottom for utmost bubble affect.

PATIENT: Stands ultra-close to urinal, reads newspaper with free hand.

EFFICIENT: Waits until he must perform number two and exits into the stall where he does both functions in one sitting.

FAST: Stands back to take long swath at the urinal, blindly missing and peeing on shoes.

LITTLE: Stands up on box or uses kids’ pisser only to fall in and nearly drown.

WITHDRAWN: Places feet in urinal, goes down leg eliminating noise.
– Manuel Flushe

People Age, Exhibit Common Traits

(Science of Science – Montrose, Colorado – January 10, 2015)
Most people are growing older according to a study recently conducted by a national internment service. The results, though hardly surprising, represent the first cross-section data collected on the subject.
That everyone gets the same going away party in the end is an often unmentioned quagmire that doles out equality without prejudice toward race, color, creed or sexual origin/preference.
“We found that in every case the participants were getting older on an annual basis,” shared one pollster. “Some continue to lie about their age as if that might somehow defer their cosmic curtain call.”
Indications are that young people spend a great deal of time trying to look older while older people almost spend the same amount of time trying to look younger. Researchers likened the behavior to that of Asian women covering their faces in the sun while snow white Europeans don coconut oil on chase lounges trying to bring a little color back to Paris.
One man, who said he had forgotten his name, told The Horseshoe, “I’m 87 years old and I don’t worry about this kind of thing. Death is the one thing we don’t have to keep track of. It will come find you when the time
Arrives.” – Ripple Van Winkle

“Frankly I’m a little bit pissed off at the masses.” – Karl Marx

MAKES SENSE…

LIGHTHOUSE RESTAURANT IN MONTROSE SAYS IT ALL

MEDIDOR DE LECTOR MORDIDO

(Especial de la Montrose Looking Glass – 10 de enero 2015)

     Un lector de metro no identificado sufrió una serie de picaduras de ayer al intentar leer un medidor de agua. La víctima, un empleado del Distrito de Agua Tri County, soportó bits en los brazos y las piernas en un ataque vicioso y no provocado.
La policía ha detenido hierba Hemplestick, de 2933668294592744 Road, que lo acusa de asalto agravado. El agresor se encuentra actualmente en pruebas para determinar un motivo para su comportamiento agresivo. Las autoridades no descartan la rabia, el estrés financiero o la enfermedad de las vacas locas en el incidente.
El lector metros heridos, a tiempo parcial humana de Olathe, está descansando y recuperándose en el Hospital de St Roscoe en Guisante, donde coquetea con las enfermeras y mira por la ventana todo el día.
Los abogados de Hemplestick dicen que su cliente está loco y debe hacer tiempo mientras el fiscal está pidiendo indulgencia desde el ataque puede caer bajo la jurisdicción de la controvertida Ley Make My Day. El juez, que estuvo ausente en la audiencia previa al juicio condenó a todos a tres días por insubordinación y otra semana en el desprecio por tirar bolitas de papel y goma de mascar en la corte.
Fuentes de Tri County dicen que han cortado el agua de Hemplestick en su residencia y su cuenta comercial, amenazando a su creciente operación de maíz dulce en California Mesa.
Hemplestick, que una vez jugó en la Selección Nacional de Fútbol Uruguay, sáb visiblemente alterado en el área de penalti, consultar con los abogados sólo cuando se le solicite. Este último episodio representa segunda ofensa oral del Hemplestick en los últimos 12 meses. Los lectores recordarán que fue acusado de morder a su cartero desde hace mucho tiempo en la parte superior del cráneo, sin razón aparente en abril. – Dinty Moore

“Sala Cleaver inventó poliéster para que pudiera dormir en su traje.”
-Lumpy Rutherford