All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Massive Oil Spill Threatens ISIS Positions in Iraq

Special from The Mosul Desert Star – November 7, 2015

ISIS tactics have taken on a more defensive posture due to a rare land oil spill in Iraq. It is said to be one of the largest petroleum accidents in the short history of human flirtation with fossil fuels. Early estimates confirm that the crude and bitumen database could see amounts exceeding 200 million gallons.

Dribbles and leaks of liquid petroleum hydrocarbons turned into full out gushing and colossal discharge this morning near Ramadi, a town vital to ISIS in its expansionary blueprint. The raggedy ISIS force, unaccustomed to fighting in oil up to its knees, began to disintegrate in the face of Kurdish advances. Retreating to higher ground, the militants were surrounded and disoriented, leaving many vulnerable to air assaults and concentrated artillery barrages that lasted all day.

Many, firing weapons into the sky and shouting trite slogans, cut off their own heads as a protest against the presence of Shiite militias in the region. It was quite a sight to see. They just staggered around in circles like chickens, and then dropped into the sand like dead ducks.

ISIS had repeatedly pledged to destroy all refineries operating here and in Syria.
“I guess they missed one or two,” said a UN Special Forces officer attached to the Kurdish ranks. “Those Sunni geologists just never were all that attentive.”

Frontline ISIS soldiers, advancing through sand storms, were stopped dead by an ever-increasing oil slick that formed in just hours.

Whether the spill is linked to oil gluts and lower prices per barrel was not disclosed. Leaders in Europe fear that Saudi Arabia and other major oil producing countries may have dumped the petroleum so as to create an artificial shortage and thus higher prices.

“What better place to dump any unwanted commodity,” said one Turkish geologist. No collisions, no groundings, no structural damage out there, just demonic fires and multi-color explosions. Wow.”

Called a terra spill in educated circles, the river of oil may succeed in destroying ISIS, although Mideast experts agree that, with the continuation of Western policies in the region, it will be just a matter of time before another militant group emerges.

“You just don’t drop in on a culture, colonize it for its resources, smash its culture, redraw political and religious maps and buddy up with its enemies without repercussions,” said the UN spokesperson.
– Mohammad Mosaddeq

Coalition Bombing Up In Air

The holy Good Guy Coalition dropped 6023 bombs on ISIS positions in Iraq and Syria today achieving 2 confirmed kills. Is it bad aim that is the culprit here? How many times has the West taken out top leaders? How many top leaders are there anyway? Why does ISIS appeal to so many younger people all over the globe? Many are not even Muslims. Somebody ain’t tellin’ the truth here. With the level of munitions employed, every ISIS madmen should have been killed 23 times. Somebody making money?

Lobbying Reviewable in 2016

The corrupt culture of lobbying our elected officials will be subject to instant replay next year. All deals made on and off the Congressional floor will be “looked at” by unidentified persons up the Atlantic Coast in New York. Antagonists, protagonists and persons of interest will have two opportunities during Congressman’s term to throw a red flag onto the floor of the House or Senate in dispute of a particular call or arrangement. If a pay-off or favor is deemed illegal it can be reversed after the replay and the offending parties are incarcerated with the death penalty pending.

Mice Active in Wake of El Nino

Got mice? A lot of people report that they have had an increase in the long-tailed visitors this fall. Rodents, looking for a place to nest, follow their instincts in apprehension of cold weather coming fast. Sales of mousetraps, poisons and sealants have been off the charts as the pests invade the domiciles of the righteous and the sinner alike. Tips from local exterminator include not opening your doors, not eating in the house and getting a hungry cat.

Western Colorado Report  —  November 4, 2015

Bear Launch Website

(Berry-Munching Fur Bag Review — November 3, 2015)

(Crested Butte) A local Black Bear contingent has released a new and innovative on-line presence focusing on the daily needs and curious aspiration of bruins in this neck of Colorado.

It is believed to be the first website completely devoted to bear. Several progressive primate offerings and, of corpse the well documented porpoise page “Hold the Hushpuppies” have brightened the arena, expanding the playing field over the past year. All of these efforts had been deemed impossibilities just a short time ago.

The premier page, which collaborates with local and state agencies on such subjects as forest fires and water sources, has quickly descended into a cheap rattle sheet primarily interested in unattended trash and ripe garbage.

“What can we expect from animals who sneak into campers and raid birthday parties in search of sweets?” asked one skeptic who favors tighter controls on bruins in the Rockies. “Trash is what is on their tiny minds and trash it is that fills these categories.”

Feature pieces on this month’s site include “Tips on Burying Cows Before Dining” and “Termites With Honey”, accentuated by the clever “How To Open Car Doors With Your Teeth.”

Literary critics say the page only addresses eating and nutrition, and ignores other high points and plights of the everyday bear.

“Where is the sleek innuendo?” asked one observer. “Where are the particulates of bruin sin? This is little more than a stroll through the landfill of fuzzy dreams culminating with a shaky hibernation. I won’t bookmark it.”
– Bungalow Phil Marvel

Hunting Camp Magic!

(Uncompahgre Plateau) Here in fading light we experience a rare glimpse into the mystique of the fall ritual. Hunting camp falls silent at exactly the moment when all the deer and elk are hung and all the beer is gone. Moments after this shot life returned to normal as thirsty hunters tore down camp and packed up for a trip to the freezer and later the culinary galaxies of elk steak and venison stew. Persons remaining in the woods are reminded that helicopter beer drops will continue only until November 15. Participating liquor stores are Gunnison Liquors and Ouray Liquors as well as The Liquor Store and Bottle Barn in Montrose. Ask them about the Horseshoe Discount.  (October 29, 2015)

Old Fart Accepted by Webster’s

(Linguistics of London — October 23, 2015)

The term Old Fart will be included in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary and Thesaurus for 2016 according to wordsmiths and language gurus here. The label, which is sometimes considered derogatory, denotes age and, in some cases, attitude. It has nothing to do with aroma or personal hygiene.

“We have added Old Fart to our roster due to colloquial considerations, repeated use within the population, and familiarity,” said Wanda English, a standup editor with the prestigious dictionary concern. “Like it or not, Old Fart has forced its way into our idiomatic legions and is poised to take its rightful place between Old English and old fashioned.”

Although probably incorrect in a political sense, the dimensions of the grammatical reference include abbreviations, synonyms, relevant usage and even Morse code tables.

“Nobody is saying the idiom exemplifies proper or even acceptable language but we are including Old Fart because it is a valid expression in the 21st Century,” said English,

“Virtually everyone knows what it means. Grace and precision are the main considerations in determining our wordy roster and common use dictates the parameters and accessibilities offered to persons of intelligence.”

English was quick to point out that the use of this term in face–to-face encounters in no way offers protection from canes, false teeth bites or other handy weaponry long associated with the elderly.
– Kashmir Horseshoe

Despite OBambicare Many Deer Uncovered

(Haley Draw — Bone Cracker Post — October 16, 2015)

A majority of the state’s deer and elk will have to sustain the rigors of hunting season without adequate medical coverage, it was disclosed today. Even with the implementation of the controversial Affordable Care Act (Obambicare) many will have no protection at all.

“OBambicare can be a little confusing, said a source at Game and Fish,” “I’m sure that the situation will resolve itself in about a decade or so.”
The only animals who will have major medical coverage are those who have purchased that service from the private sector. Those who had relied on the state to provide health insurance will be left out in the cold.

Life insurance benefits will remain much the same as they have in the past but wildlife officials urge all deer and elk to read the fine print before signing anything.”

“Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
– Voltaire