All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
King of the Blues Interview
“The Swan Song”
(Continued from the Mississippi Delta in the 1930s)
(Delta, Colorado — Rascals With Rhythm Bulletin — December 2, 2015)
Sunny Junta “Roy” Washington layin down some licks at the Heeny Tick Festival in June.
Sunny: Like I said, I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Your roots reach deep into the Mississippi Delta, into the South Chicago scene, into Motown. That’s quite diverse.
Sunny: Yeah, man. I’m the king of the blues, baby, the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Our sources tell us that you’ve released over 50 records and CDs since the Forties.
Sunny: I’m the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: You’ve been pickin and singin for over 70 years. Sooner or later you’re gona drop dead. How do you feel about the hereafter?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: After reviewing several of your songs it appears that you concentrate on simple, repetitious themes that could become annoying after a while.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: We see that you travel with a complete orchestra. Are all these members really necessary or do you just like to be extravagant?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: There are plenty of musicians, such as Muddy Waters, B.B. King, John Hurt, John Lee Hooker and others who might claim to be the king of the blues.
Sunny: But I am the king of the blues, baby.
Horseshoe: According to your agent you received that boom box as a gift from Yassar Arafat after a performance in Palestine.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: It’s really loud. Can you turn it down so we can talk some more?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: He also told us you were the tenth of eleven kids born to sharecroppers around the turn-of-the-century. How old are you anyway?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: You don’t look that old.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: One would think that all the drinking and partying would take its toll on a fellow your age.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: The liner notes on your King of the Blues album say you’ve been married eight times and have fathered more than 40 children.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: What did you and all of those wives find to talk about.
Sunny: Ain’t you been listenin’? I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Read any good books lately?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Here, eat these guitar strings.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Nice day. You think it’ll rain this afternoon?
Sunny: It’s possible.
Continued when a string breaks
Concussion-Proof Helmet Testing
Testing the new concussion-proof football helmet in Canton, Ohio. Over 3500 people lined up to crash their respective noggins into a barn wall in hopes of being chosen for a spot in Dancing With Cigars, an embarrassingly popular television program. Lots of headaches were reported, but hey…What a great Christmas present for the mindless football addict. (November 24, 2015)
BIG, BAD WOLF TO ADDRESS CONGRESS
(Washington DC Piggly Wiggly Flyer November 17, 2015)
One of our culture’s most relentless fear mongers will speak before the House and Senate tomorrow on the subject of preparedness. The Wolf, recognized for his dubious pursuit of a meal, is trying to present a kinder face in light of a possible Presidential bid in 2016.
The speech is expected to center on terrorism and the role of elected leaders in thwarting future incidents. The Congress, according to critics, is a body most likely to sit on its thumbs in the event of an attack. This is because they have not been educated, says the Wolf.
Saying that the Congress was not technically pig-headed, but rather self-absorbed in doing for themselves and their cronies.
“If you spent the whole day lining your pockets by evening you’d be too tired to do much else, like conducting the business of the American people who elected you,” jabbed the Wolf.
“Preparedness is everything. Never mind comprehending the failed policies that created the conflict. This is war!”
The Wolf is expected to avoid the controversial subject of houses made from straw, sticks and bricks for fear of upsetting the recovering construction industry.
Meanwhile, outside the Capitol crowds of angry Little Pigs gather to protest the Wolf’s presence in a free society.
(Editor’s note: And now I’d like to use the word salubrious. In all my years behind the pen I don’t believe I have ever employed such a lubricant description and important-sounding term before. Salubrious means pleasant or healthy as in: “It became clear to Arnold that his theories of firewood architecture were less than salubrious when the entire stack crashed down onto his punkin haid. – From Green Wood and Bad Breath – The Undeniable Smokescreen).
“What is life? It is a flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the winter time. It is the shadow that runs across the grass and loses itself at sunset.” – Crowfeet, Blackfoot Tribe in Short Nights of the Shadow Catcher.
Massive Oil Spill Threatens ISIS Positions in Iraq
Special from The Mosul Desert Star – November 7, 2015
ISIS tactics have taken on a more defensive posture due to a rare land oil spill in Iraq. It is said to be one of the largest petroleum accidents in the short history of human flirtation with fossil fuels. Early estimates confirm that the crude and bitumen database could see amounts exceeding 200 million gallons.
Dribbles and leaks of liquid petroleum hydrocarbons turned into full out gushing and colossal discharge this morning near Ramadi, a town vital to ISIS in its expansionary blueprint. The raggedy ISIS force, unaccustomed to fighting in oil up to its knees, began to disintegrate in the face of Kurdish advances. Retreating to higher ground, the militants were surrounded and disoriented, leaving many vulnerable to air assaults and concentrated artillery barrages that lasted all day.
Many, firing weapons into the sky and shouting trite slogans, cut off their own heads as a protest against the presence of Shiite militias in the region. It was quite a sight to see. They just staggered around in circles like chickens, and then dropped into the sand like dead ducks.
ISIS had repeatedly pledged to destroy all refineries operating here and in Syria.
“I guess they missed one or two,” said a UN Special Forces officer attached to the Kurdish ranks. “Those Sunni geologists just never were all that attentive.”
Frontline ISIS soldiers, advancing through sand storms, were stopped dead by an ever-increasing oil slick that formed in just hours.
Whether the spill is linked to oil gluts and lower prices per barrel was not disclosed. Leaders in Europe fear that Saudi Arabia and other major oil producing countries may have dumped the petroleum so as to create an artificial shortage and thus higher prices.
“What better place to dump any unwanted commodity,” said one Turkish geologist. No collisions, no groundings, no structural damage out there, just demonic fires and multi-color explosions. Wow.”
Called a terra spill in educated circles, the river of oil may succeed in destroying ISIS, although Mideast experts agree that, with the continuation of Western policies in the region, it will be just a matter of time before another militant group emerges.
“You just don’t drop in on a culture, colonize it for its resources, smash its culture, redraw political and religious maps and buddy up with its enemies without repercussions,” said the UN spokesperson.
– Mohammad Mosaddeq
Coalition Bombing Up In Air
The holy Good Guy Coalition dropped 6023 bombs on ISIS positions in Iraq and Syria today achieving 2 confirmed kills. Is it bad aim that is the culprit here? How many times has the West taken out top leaders? How many top leaders are there anyway? Why does ISIS appeal to so many younger people all over the globe? Many are not even Muslims. Somebody ain’t tellin’ the truth here. With the level of munitions employed, every ISIS madmen should have been killed 23 times. Somebody making money?
Lobbying Reviewable in 2016
The corrupt culture of lobbying our elected officials will be subject to instant replay next year. All deals made on and off the Congressional floor will be “looked at” by unidentified persons up the Atlantic Coast in New York. Antagonists, protagonists and persons of interest will have two opportunities during Congressman’s term to throw a red flag onto the floor of the House or Senate in dispute of a particular call or arrangement. If a pay-off or favor is deemed illegal it can be reversed after the replay and the offending parties are incarcerated with the death penalty pending.
Mice Active in Wake of El Nino
Got mice? A lot of people report that they have had an increase in the long-tailed visitors this fall. Rodents, looking for a place to nest, follow their instincts in apprehension of cold weather coming fast. Sales of mousetraps, poisons and sealants have been off the charts as the pests invade the domiciles of the righteous and the sinner alike. Tips from local exterminator include not opening your doors, not eating in the house and getting a hungry cat.
Western Colorado Report — November 4, 2015
Bear Launch Website
(Berry-Munching Fur Bag Review — November 3, 2015)
(Crested Butte) A local Black Bear contingent has released a new and innovative on-line presence focusing on the daily needs and curious aspiration of bruins in this neck of Colorado.
It is believed to be the first website completely devoted to bear. Several progressive primate offerings and, of corpse the well documented porpoise page “Hold the Hushpuppies” have brightened the arena, expanding the playing field over the past year. All of these efforts had been deemed impossibilities just a short time ago.
The premier page, which collaborates with local and state agencies on such subjects as forest fires and water sources, has quickly descended into a cheap rattle sheet primarily interested in unattended trash and ripe garbage.
“What can we expect from animals who sneak into campers and raid birthday parties in search of sweets?” asked one skeptic who favors tighter controls on bruins in the Rockies. “Trash is what is on their tiny minds and trash it is that fills these categories.”
Feature pieces on this month’s site include “Tips on Burying Cows Before Dining” and “Termites With Honey”, accentuated by the clever “How To Open Car Doors With Your Teeth.”
Literary critics say the page only addresses eating and nutrition, and ignores other high points and plights of the everyday bear.
“Where is the sleek innuendo?” asked one observer. “Where are the particulates of bruin sin? This is little more than a stroll through the landfill of fuzzy dreams culminating with a shaky hibernation. I won’t bookmark it.”
– Bungalow Phil Marvel
