All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Elephant Beaches Self Off Carolina Coast
(Myrtle Beach, SC — The Irrelevant Elephant — January 27, 2016)
A lone elephant, draped in full Republican regalia, has given himself up to the waves of the Alantic. The 12-foot, 15,000-pound mammal (Proboscidea) was found by joggers early this morning and pronounced dead by the Horry County coroner. It is not known if this is solitary act or if further surrenders will follow.
What makes the beaching even more bizarre is that the deceased animal is one of the few rare Caucasian Bull mastodons surviving on the planet. Most elephants are either African or Asian.
The unhappy victim
“We’ve seen whales beach themselves but never really quite understand why,” said Dr. Sylvia Aardvarke, a Pawley Island veterinarian. “Now we have elephants in the sand. Elephants like to hang near water but are not particularly known as nautical beasts.”
Meanwhile the Coast Guard has been searching for answers, and/or more distressed elephants. Power brokers in control fear that further political suicides might pry a dazed and frightened electorate out of their foxholes.
“They might began to think for themselves,” said a Wall Streetwalker with a smirk.
The Muslim Marxist press reports that no donkeys have been observed within ten miles of the tragedy.
“Our highly educated guess is that the animal became depressed and embarrassed over what has happened within his party. Despite what we may think, few elephants are accustomed to observing circus clowns,” said the doctor. “Most retain wild ways and are not prepared for the full scale big top that has emerged of late. While political scientists call it premature campaigning, many in and out of the GOP are appalled at the crude behavior of people claiming to represent them.”
Unlike the proud and honorable elephant no politician has come forward to mourned the loss.
Cloning Batman Big Mistake says Boy Wonder
(Red Mountain Pass — Aviation Today — January 20, 2016)
Plans to clone super hero, Batman (no last name given) would be a mistake of grand proportions according to his longtime crime-fighting partner. Dressed in provocative tights and a tasteful black mask, Robin, who ran with Batman for decades, says his retired boss is a megalomaniac.
Citing episodes of power abuse and interference with the authorities, Robin says Batman harbors vendettas against several adversaries, specifically a man called The Joker and a former ally, named the Green Hornet. The Joker is reportedly living in a retirement community in Arizona while the Green Hornet is busy working on his memoirs at a secret location on Miller Mesa.
“Both of these now model citizens have complained of harassment and outright threats from Batman. Cloning him would only make matters twice as bad,” explained Robin tugging at his cape.
The cave dwelling bounder, not to be confused with batman, an orderly of a British army officer, has agreed to the cloning operation in return for a general amnesty. Batman has been connected to violent vigilante action dating back to the Fifties. Case after case of documented evidence links the super hero with over-the-head obstruction of justice.
“He took matters into his own hands,” said Robin. “He often dispensed punishment on the spot with little consideration for the rights of the criminal element…Zap…Bam…Zow…Whack! I know. I was there.”
Robin, who is currently vice president of a Confront Range self-help company that manufactures MSG suppositories, admitted that he lives in fear of reprisals by his former partner.
“The man is out of control, prone to hallucinations and as hyper as a hummingbird,” continued the Boy Wonder. “You’d think he’d do something constructive in his golden years…like take up golf or bingo, but he’s too arrogant.”
Offers to join both the Montrose and Gunnison police departments were rejected by the Winged Warrior on the grounds of uniform and transportation conflicts.
A local civic group, formed to reconsider the pros and cons of the proposed cloning will meet Tuesday to consider the question: Do we really need two Batmans? The session is open to the public. Bring a covered fish.
– Susie Compost
US Out of Bombs
(Cheyenne Mountain — Refried News — January 12, 2016)
In a surprising and somewhat embarrassing news release, the United States gov’ment announced today that it is out of bombs. Although nobody in purchasing has taken responsibility for the depletion of the said weaponry, the inexcusable oversight has been classified as a Level One Security Breach (Official Color Code unavailable) and will be seriously investigated by bureaucrats standing around with their hands in their pockets.
Sources at NORAD say the snafu was not linked to terrorist activity.
“Heads will roll,” stammered one official wearing a bright blue hat designating an upper position in the chain of command.
At present the shortage has been racked up to operator error that bodes unfavorably to the other hierarchies involved in manufacturing, storing and delivery of arsenal inventories all over the globe.
“Clearly someone has failed to communicate or to fill out a simple reorder form,” said the blue hat.
Another chief, this one with green hat, blamed the people in red hats down at production and the yellow hats in shipping. The blue hat was not amused by this buck passing and wondered aloud who else was not paying sufficient attention to the matters of weapons of mass destruction.
“We’re not playing marbles here,” quipped the blue hat. “Someone is in hot water and we will get to the bottom of the gross failure in security system,” he said. “We need to know how far these miscalculations extend and who is not following up on procedures.”
NORAD officials admitted that the gov’emt has been dropping bombs “at a frantic pace” on radical groups in Iraq and Syria, and that stockpiles run the risk of depletion. Estimates suggest that one bomb has been dropped for every 3 ISIS fighters on the ground with less than sparkling results.
“This a more serious security breakdown than all the hacking and undetected messaging among terrorist groups since the beginning of the Syrian civil war,” said the source. “We’ve had some people out on vacation but this is becoming ridiculous.”
– Susie Compost
Doing lunch with the best company
Today I had tea in Uruguay
With a big orange cat,
and it turned into more
under a green acacia tree.
Matching whiskers I turned to the Tom and said:
Maybe there are enough mice for you
(at least for now)
But never enough for me!
Then we sat and watched birds land
and take off like windy weeds
from a crooked fence.
They test the currents and buzz the ocean,
still in their winged pajamas,
even though it was well past noon.
Erotic Rock Art Show Slated for January
(Montrose, CO — Hands of Stone Gazette — January 5, 2016)
Jack up your dormant January libido at the first ever Uncompahgre Erotic Rock Art Show to be held at the Dalton Trumbo Park here from January 22 – 31. Over 4000 specimens of naughty rocks and bawdy rock formations in all shapes and sizes will be part of the display.
Joining these lascivious pebbles and stone monstrosities will be a rare conglomeration of minerals and gases, studied intensely by geologists, and thought somehow related to the evolution of the earth.
Rock has been defined as the solid material forming part of the surface of our planet. It is usually exposed or found underlying the soil or the oceans. It is used for everything from patios to fireplaces. People employ rock as weight, filler and projectiles.
All of the boulders at the show are from the Rockies while some of the more evasive minerals have been collected from all over the world. Just what constitutes an erotic rock will be the work of a select jury of earth scientists, experts on earth’s physical structure and substance.
“Sure, anyone can identify the phallic and the sensual rocks and stones,” said one organizer of the event. “What takes the real skill, the academic separation is to see eroticism in a flat rock or a chunk that has fallen from its mother mountain. We are fortunate that we have plenty of resources right here in the Rockies. You won’t see a display of this magnitude in a place like Kansas.”
Concrete, dirt, petrified wood, compacted ash or asphalt will be considered according to the source.
“We’re looking for creative erotic art,” continued the organizer. “What looks lewd or salacious to one person may not appear that way to another. These pieces of the earth come in all shapes and sizes just like people. Preferences and carnal qualifications are often intangible even though these specimens represent down to earth stability and the foundation for all that follows.”
The show is free but an occasional booth or two may be off limits to minors.
– Rocky Flats
Not a friendly reindeer…
If you run into this guy leave him alone. He has an attitude. He’s not a friendly reindeer. (Dec 26, 2015)
