ELK BOY FOUND NEAR BALDWIN

Kid-Elk(Gunnison) A verified sighting of the fabled Elk Boy of Ohio Creek has been reported here this week. Late season mushroom hunters from Tulsa not only photographed the skinny creature but allegedly exchanged greetings and then shared their lunch with him. For years hikers and jeep enthusiasts have insisted that they watched elk herds roam the region followed by a struggling young male human who imitated the animals and had even begun to look a bit like a wobbly calf. Many tales tell of aggressive behavior on the part of “bulls” whenever the herd was approached. Normally the animals simply flee.

“We don’t know who the kid is or how he got in with these characters in the first place,” said a county sheriff’s deputy on the scene. “Considering the wear and tear of the wilderness and his sparse diet he doesn’t look too bad. We are currently investigating all reports of missing persons in these mountains for the past twenty years. Hopefully we will stumble into some clue as to his lineage.”

Eyewitnesses gave conflicting reports as to the presence of course, heavy body hair and the emergence of stumpy, spiked horns, common to adolescent elk. They agreed however, that the elk boy seemed quite curious and at ease.

“It’s as if he’s always  known that he was one of us,” said Gwen Two Shoes of Baldwin, a native Ute and avid fly fisherman who claims to have first met the boy in 2009. “We fish together and I bring him stuffed jalapenos which he dearly loves. Otherwise he is content to graze, nibble on berries and scratch himself along the quakey bark like the rest of his herd.”

A spokesman for the local Sociable Services has asked authorities to apprehend the boy so that he can be rehabilitated. They plan to set a trap with a gross of the stuffed jalapenos near his watering hole tomorrow, despite the objections of Two Shoes who has threatened to warn him of the scheme.

“We must save this poor unfortunate from the wilds and allow him to become civilized like us,” said Samantha Meeker, a Bored Again Kokanee Counselor for someone’s county. “Then, somewhere down the road if he survives captivity and pays his fair share of taxes, he can decide for himself which species he wishes to emulate.”

Two Shoes, a direct descendent of a Tablecloth Ute chief, says the plan is atrocious and potentially disastrous.

“One hundred years ago they tried to turn the proud Red man into a farmer when all he wanted to do was to race his horses, hunt and soak in the hot springs. Now that same strain of white folks want to drag this wild elk boy into their world kicking and screaming,” she spat. “What will he do… work as a convenience store clerk or open a trendy boutique? Sociable Services even confiscated the new snowboard that I gave him for his birthday last year and he was just starting to really shred! You should see him hit the Baldwin bumps!”

Two Shoes went on to explain that First Americans never really assimilated to the ways of the European overlord.

“What makes them think a boy raised in the Rockies by an elk herd will take to their silly ways?” she flinched.

-Kashmir Horseshoe

 

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