All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Hinsdale County Bans Cruise Control
(Lake City — Slumgullion Stew — April 1, 2016)
Drivers within the confines of Hinsdale County must refrain from employing cruise control when operating their vehicles according to a quart decision here. County commissioners, alarmed at the incompetent driving this winter, are outlawing procedures that “contribute to mindlessness and poor attentiveness on roads, slick or otherwise”.
The decision was precipitated when one part-time resident ran his pickup into a local tavern, frightening the patrons and destroying an abandoned planter precariously perched on the porch. He was reportedly going 45 miles per hour with the dial set on cruise control.
“There is no need to allow motorists to employ this kind of convenience function in a town where the speed limit is 25,” said one commissioner known to secretly support a return to horse-only travel in town.
Fortunately none of the customers in the noted bar were paying attention to this news story and therefore escaped unscathed. Lake City already has the strictest horn ordinance in the state.
– Uncle Pahgre
“Utah ain’t so bad just so long as you are near the ocean.”
– Earl Macadoo
Frequent Friar Plan Lambasted by Church
(Roma — Vatican Air Magazine — March 25, 2016)
The Roman Catholic Church has banned its clergy from participating in what is called a Frequent Friar Program. The condemnation comes on the wings of a general announcement instituted by Secular Airlines and its subsidiary companies worldwide.
The invitation from Secular attempts to lure clergy and other spiritually motivated personnel into seeking not only cheaper seats but also a high road to salvation.
“The implication here is that our people can fly around like sunshine clerics and conduct themselves as God knows what and who,” said a Vatican resource, “whenever it is convenient for them to do so.”
Groups of priests and brothers from an assortment of orders had petitioned the Rome for permission to take advantage of the offer saying they could still maintain their spiritually duality without risking so much as one lost soul. They further insisted that the adoption of the program would help with missionary work and as a motivation for others to embrace the holy orders.
“This kind of frequency is not the friar type and the sound waves are bouncing off St Peter’s Basilica this morning,” said an angry Cardinal who demanded infallibility. “The money for vacations should come from the collection plate not by some discounted version of a secular get-away. If our sky pilots want to pursue everlasting life on their own time let them audition for a Sunday morning spot on salvation row with the Baptists and Evangelicals. I hear the money is good.”
– St Roscoe of Links, Earl of Doggieshire, Lord of Hemperland
If Cowboy Poets Wrote Nursery Rhymes
In case you haven’t been paying attention, (or even if you have)…it’s March. A time for reflection, a time to slow down and take count of the past and future, a time to freeze your arses. Initially this column was supposed to focus on the infant Presidential campaign with its blabbering, colic and loaded diapers but after a few minutes of scrutinizing we, (the winter soldiers of the media) decided that our readers would be better off with something more educational.
We wondered that if the classic children’s nursery rhymes had been penned by long rider poets in pointy boots and cowboy hats the subjects might have leaned more toward the pasture posture. Here are a few gems found while pecking around in the bunkhouse.
Little Miss Prattle…
sat in the saddle
checking her spurs and bay,
when along came a rider
saying circle much wider
or you’ll chase all the mavericks away.
***
Mary had a can of chew…
its leaves were black as coal
and everywhere that Mary went
she brung that tin of skoal.
It followed her to school one day
which was agin’ the rule,
and all the children took a pinch
then sat and played it cool.
***
Tenderfoot Aspire…
sat by the camp fire
eating his biscuits and bacon
With his new cowboy clothes
he struck up quite a pose
and cried: Buckaroos, “I’m just fakin’.”
***
Sing a song of six-guns…
belly full o’ hoots,
four and twenty tinhorns
shakin’ in their boots.
When the smoke had cleared up
I heard the gunman wail
“Wasn’t that a clever way
to spend the night in jail.”
***
Hickory, dickory, dense…
the cows got out the fence
Which lazy wrangling dunce
is liable for these stunts?
Hickory, dickory, dense
***
If all the work was round-ups…
and all the girls wore mink
And all our mounts ate tater chips
what would there be to drink?
***
Hark, hark…
it’s gettin’ dark
The chuckwagon’s gone lame.
Our dinner’s late
but leave a plate
for breakfast – much the same.
Bye Bye Buckaroos. Sweet dreams.
– Earl MacAdoo
Manana Lands Gumby Plant
(Special Report from Ayer, Ahora y Manana — February 23, 2016)
The Manana Developmentally Developmental League is flexing with the news that a Gumby Plant is bound for the city. The projected 800-acre facility would be the largest commercial concern in the vicinity, employing up to 350 persons.
The factory, located in the once-mothballed Manana Industrial Parque, is slated to produce over 700 million Gumbys per month. The company’s corporate headquarters will relocate to Manana from Death Valley, California, after promises of gold and a lucrative tax arrangement are formulated sometime before the end of the year.
“Landing the Gumby people was no easy task,” said Rega Muffine, Executive Director of Executive Directors for MDDL. “First, we had to buy lunch then we had to lease them the land for nothing for the next 150 years. Then we took all the top people to play golf. Then we made them honorary trustees at the Ute Indian Museum. Then we gave them tax-free carte blanche until 2030. Then we bought them elk tags. After that we schmoozed them a little and they signed the agreement.”
Manana will substitute its longtime slogan “Welcome to Manana” with “Welcome to Manana – Home of Gumbyland”.
“That was probably the clincher at a tense time in the negotiations,” said Muffine. “I could feel it.”
A big welcome is planned at the Montrose Regional Airport for sometime in December. Anyone who is indebted to the MDDL is urged to attend. Leis and bowls of Rocky Mountain Oysters will be served along with rare Olathe sweetbreads and disappearing Spring Creek alfalfa parfaits.
Manana was chosen over close finishers Joliet, Illinois and Glendive, Montana due, presumably, due to a more favorable climate. It also knocked out strong urban contenders Naco, Sonora and Andong, South Korea due to a lower wage scale that has been in place since the 70s. Gumby maintains two larger plants in Louisiana and New Jersey as well as the main assembly plant in Death Valley.
Gumby Corporation earns an estimated $3 billion per year, ranking it as number one all time in Manana lore, just edging out Shirley’s Cakes (1969 – 1989). Once the plant starts pumping out Gumbys it could be Katy Bar the Door with regards to standing fiscal records as far way as Paradox and Cahone.
Much of the success comes from a company policy of not paying employees for their toil. The benefits are, however worth it, according to Gumby which pays for employee coffee while on the job, offers free parking and 10% off in the commissary to all employees in good standing.
“That adds up to a substantial package after twenty years on the job,” said Muffine, who adds that after 30 years every employee gets a free Gumby for every member of the family, even uncles and aunts.
“We intend to keep a watchful eye on Gumby actions,” said Muffine. “We certainly don’t want another Louisiana-Pacific debasement.”
Due to poor maneuvering on the part of Manana, and Montrose County plus a classic betrayal by Colonese sheepherders back the Eighties, Louisiana-Pacific now owns most of the Gunnison, Uncompahgre and San Juan National Forests plus thousands of acres of forgotten BLM land.
“But we fooled them and kept the mineral and water rights,” stressed Muffine.
Construction of the plant, set to begin in 2016, will feature pre-fabricated walls and ceilings made in Death Valley. Few jobs will be created here although Gumby s reportedly “looking for a cheap concrete finisher”. In addition a Gala Credit Union has been established for employees who might inherit money during their tenure or moonlight with a second job for a paycheck.
Gumby brings with it a questionable track record in the air quality category. Environmentalists contend that Gumby is solely responsible for 80% of the pollution in Gary, Indiana and 0ver 90% in Racine, Wisconsin resulting from continuous toxic dumping near a Super Gumby in from 1990 – 1999. Gumby is also been declared a “person” of interest in the demise of forestland in eastern Montana and vast stretches of the Dakotas.
“Hey, nobody’s perfect,” said Muffine. “At least they don’t leave tailings behind.”
Walter T Gumby, an indigent watch repairman, who firmly believed in the ignorance of the American consumer, founded the Gumby Corporation in 1910. In just a few short months he was selling Gumbys (made by Polar Bear Breath candlelight in his dirty, filthy basement in the dark of night) all over the West Coast and Hawaii. His untimely death at 111 left the Gumby Empire to his gifted son Marvin who was also known as an intolerable bore and drunkard. Despite his failings, Marvin guided the company through the row-your-boat Twenties and icebergs of the Depression. His performance was mythological considering his alcohol intake.
“One of the reasons Gumby did not suffer in the Stock Market crash of 1929 is that the directors followed an eccentric pattern of operating on a cash only basis. Why even in the war years (1939–1945) Marvin’s peg-legged sister “Peggy” ran the entire operation out of an R.G. Dunn cigar box, once a Christmas gift from her late grandfather. By the time of the election of Franklin Roosevelt the Gumby fortune has exceeded $23 million, all safely stored in three cigar boxes on three continents.
Peggy, who followed the family tradition of longevity, (her father Marvin having died after a bout with exposure in Miami at age 99) continues to run the company by proxy on play money provided by the board for her amusement. She has yet to visit Manana due to that city’s limited mall shopping experiences.
“The Gumby story is a great example of how good old’ American stupidity and greed can result in a better life for some,” said Muffine. “Mass production right here in the USA! We are pleased to have Gumby as part of our happy industrial family.”
(Editor’s note: After months of investigative journalism we still can’t find anyone who knows just what Gumbys are used for or why anyone would want to buy one. Although billions have been sold we can’t find anyone who will admit to having purchased one. Nonetheless we will continue our quest next time around, when we travel to Death Valley to interview Peggy Gumby herself, before she drops dead and takes the secrets of the empire to the grave.)
– Kashmir Horseshoe
MAD SPANISH LAUGHTER
One step away from mad laughter
in Antiquia and Caldas…
Señora Sonrisa
loves arepas with honey
but some days she likes them with jam.
Senor Enojado
wakes up with his money
and forces his dog to eat Spam.
Blues Could Seed Clouds
(Gothic, CO — Rainy Day Business — Feb 19, 2016)
Scientists here at the Rocky Mountain Biological Laboratory agree that the correct application of blues music could have the same effect on weather patterns as cloud seeding. They suggest that each household should play the blues at least two hours per day (three hours in known drought regions).
“Too much could constipate the clouds and too little will only get limited response,” said one climatologist on loan from hurricane forecasting duties in Galveston. “Whenever we mess with the weather we are courting disaster but it’s probably worth it.”
The source did not elaborate, nor did she shed light on how all of this works when global warming is factored into the formula.
“It’s all about the driving beat, the consistency, the tempo,” continued the researcher. “I prefer Muddy Waters, Pinetop Perkins but one cannot dismiss the great B.B. King or Johnny Winter.”
The audio project, funded by the Willie Dixon Endowment, seeks to understand why the music creates a layer of warm air, rises, and then fades to seek out cooler air at the lower end of the spectrum, or chorus. The clouds that are created by these mini- ecosystems are then much more likely to get in synch and drop rain or snow.
“People don’t need a permit or a lot of expensive monitoring equipment. They just need some decent speakers and an appreciation for the slide guitar and harmonica,” said the source. “Many would be listening anyway and with a little tweak could do a lot to improve local moisture levels.”
Residents and visitors interested in participation are asked to play the Blues from 10 am to noon on weekdays and all afternoon on weekends until a valid storm front, accompanied by a haunting saxophone or a perky clarinet, emerges.
Nationally a majority of scientists says the approach could work but then again may not.
– Evelyn Marmotbreath
