All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Kids’ response on first seeing the real Santa Claus
The exact moment that Santa appeared on Christmas. Santa is the real deal . No doubt about that. Just ask these kids.(December 25, 2015)
Polo Norte Residentes Caliente Bajo Cuello
Estrés de las fiestas se cobra su peaje
(Canada Ocupada – Estrellas Y Hombres Sabios – 15 de diciembre, 2015)
(Prince of Whales Island) No podría haber llegado en un momento más difícil. Navidad estaba en el aire, los plazos fueron clavados en la pared. La crisis de vacaciones fue respirando en el cuello de los elfos y renos, de mismo Santa. Eso es probablemente lo hizo.
Todo comenzó cuando Red Sayles anunciado renos en el menú sobre el Ártico Cafe. Se jactaba de renos frito, estofado de reno, incluso renos escalloped. Se supone que es una broma, para aclarar las cosas antes de la locura de Acción de Gracias, pero fracasó. Líneas de renos piquetes lugar de rojo, no sólo la interrupción de su comercio lucrativo pero causando un vacío en la fuerza de trabajo local sobre en el granero trineo.
La palabra es que Red no va a acabar con los signos y los rebaños seguir protestando su falta de sensibilidad política. Él no ha vendido sólo algunos de los elementos destacados tampoco.
Por supuesto, si los equipos musculares navideño no tienen suficientes quebraderos de cabeza, su líder autoimpuesta, Rudolph, es víctima de viajes del ego recurrentes. Al parecer, ha tratado de conseguir su compañero de renos a jurar lealtad al rey Rudolf. Él ha formado un sistema de silbatos y espejos con el fin de mostrar mejor su nariz, y él insiste en aterrizar primero en todas y cada techo, de modo que sea el tema principal de visualización trineo de cada niño.
“Es bastante malo que tenemos que transportar el chico de grasa alrededor de toda la noche”, dijo Prancer, un reno de voz suave, de género no identificado.
“Entonces tenemos que escuchar a Rudolph dando órdenes. Es suficiente para hacerme volver a trabajar en los campos de la tundra “.
Los renos no son los únicos molestos con el tamaño de Santa.
“Hey, no es como que pagamos de primera clase para los paseos en trineo”, dijo Groppo, un elfo de bajo grado “, ni tampoco es una cuestión de pasar la noche la entrega de regalos con el viejo pedo. Es sólo que se ocupa tanto espacio una vez a bordo. No hay espacio para los presentes así que tenemos que seguir el trineo principal alrededor con trineos que orbitan más pequeños. Además, nos pasamos mucho tiempo probando su trineo para la seguridad. Funciona muy bien cuando él no está bogging cosas “.
Muchos elfos insisten en que Santa no escucharlos.
“Sólo porque nos gusta la perforación del cuerpo y fuman cigarrillos (94% de los elfos fuman al menos cuatro paquetes de cigarrillos por día) le da la espalda a nosotros. Nos instalamos con las compañías tabacaleras. Papá (él mismo un elfo, aunque una habitación para no fumadores) consiguió su pedazo del pastel “, continuó Groppo.
“Sin duda ha notado cómo la televisión retrata el macho americano medio como un estúpido, loco de fútbol, infantil, ovejas sobrepeso, suburbano? Papá nos hace pasar a otras culturas o menos de la misma manera que sólo él nos pinta con jugo de tabaco en la barbilla, anillos en la nariz, y una pinta en nuestros bolsillos traseros. No es así, no en estos días de todos modos. Se cree que es el gran kahuna, el don, el rey nórdico. Bueno, no lo es. nada más que un elfo que estaba en el lugar correcto en el momento adecuado “.
Otros elfos decir la cuña con Santa tiene que ver con resultados de exámenes pobres.
“Claro nuestros resultados de las pruebas son desde hace unos años, pero la mayoría de nosotros tenemos que mantener un segundo trabajo para sobrevivir. Me entrego pizzas. Mis hijos trabajan en el lavado de autos. Mi hermano lleva a los turistas para paseos en motos de nieve “, dijo Rasputín, un elfo flaco de barba oscura y ojos pequeños y brillantes.
“La mayoría de nosotros ni siquiera pueden pagar un pase de esquí, aunque las zonas de esquí están ubicados en tierras públicas”, añadió un tercer duende, llamada Elsie. “Estábamos acostumbrados a colarse en los ascensores disfrazados de niños, pero las voces más profundas y el vello facial que nos regalan estos días. Incluso nosotras. ”
– Cachemira Herradura
King of the Blues Interview
“The Swan Song”
(Continued from the Mississippi Delta in the 1930s)
(Delta, Colorado — Rascals With Rhythm Bulletin — December 2, 2015)
Sunny Junta “Roy” Washington layin down some licks at the Heeny Tick Festival in June.
Sunny: Like I said, I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Your roots reach deep into the Mississippi Delta, into the South Chicago scene, into Motown. That’s quite diverse.
Sunny: Yeah, man. I’m the king of the blues, baby, the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Our sources tell us that you’ve released over 50 records and CDs since the Forties.
Sunny: I’m the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: You’ve been pickin and singin for over 70 years. Sooner or later you’re gona drop dead. How do you feel about the hereafter?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: After reviewing several of your songs it appears that you concentrate on simple, repetitious themes that could become annoying after a while.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: We see that you travel with a complete orchestra. Are all these members really necessary or do you just like to be extravagant?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: There are plenty of musicians, such as Muddy Waters, B.B. King, John Hurt, John Lee Hooker and others who might claim to be the king of the blues.
Sunny: But I am the king of the blues, baby.
Horseshoe: According to your agent you received that boom box as a gift from Yassar Arafat after a performance in Palestine.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: It’s really loud. Can you turn it down so we can talk some more?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: He also told us you were the tenth of eleven kids born to sharecroppers around the turn-of-the-century. How old are you anyway?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: You don’t look that old.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: One would think that all the drinking and partying would take its toll on a fellow your age.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: The liner notes on your King of the Blues album say you’ve been married eight times and have fathered more than 40 children.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: What did you and all of those wives find to talk about.
Sunny: Ain’t you been listenin’? I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Read any good books lately?
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Here, eat these guitar strings.
Sunny: I am the king of the blues.
Horseshoe: Nice day. You think it’ll rain this afternoon?
Sunny: It’s possible.
Continued when a string breaks
Concussion-Proof Helmet Testing
Testing the new concussion-proof football helmet in Canton, Ohio. Over 3500 people lined up to crash their respective noggins into a barn wall in hopes of being chosen for a spot in Dancing With Cigars, an embarrassingly popular television program. Lots of headaches were reported, but hey…What a great Christmas present for the mindless football addict. (November 24, 2015)
BIG, BAD WOLF TO ADDRESS CONGRESS
(Washington DC Piggly Wiggly Flyer November 17, 2015)
One of our culture’s most relentless fear mongers will speak before the House and Senate tomorrow on the subject of preparedness. The Wolf, recognized for his dubious pursuit of a meal, is trying to present a kinder face in light of a possible Presidential bid in 2016.
The speech is expected to center on terrorism and the role of elected leaders in thwarting future incidents. The Congress, according to critics, is a body most likely to sit on its thumbs in the event of an attack. This is because they have not been educated, says the Wolf.
Saying that the Congress was not technically pig-headed, but rather self-absorbed in doing for themselves and their cronies.
“If you spent the whole day lining your pockets by evening you’d be too tired to do much else, like conducting the business of the American people who elected you,” jabbed the Wolf.
“Preparedness is everything. Never mind comprehending the failed policies that created the conflict. This is war!”
The Wolf is expected to avoid the controversial subject of houses made from straw, sticks and bricks for fear of upsetting the recovering construction industry.
Meanwhile, outside the Capitol crowds of angry Little Pigs gather to protest the Wolf’s presence in a free society.
(Editor’s note: And now I’d like to use the word salubrious. In all my years behind the pen I don’t believe I have ever employed such a lubricant description and important-sounding term before. Salubrious means pleasant or healthy as in: “It became clear to Arnold that his theories of firewood architecture were less than salubrious when the entire stack crashed down onto his punkin haid. – From Green Wood and Bad Breath – The Undeniable Smokescreen).
“What is life? It is a flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the winter time. It is the shadow that runs across the grass and loses itself at sunset.” – Crowfeet, Blackfoot Tribe in Short Nights of the Shadow Catcher.
Massive Oil Spill Threatens ISIS Positions in Iraq
Special from The Mosul Desert Star – November 7, 2015
ISIS tactics have taken on a more defensive posture due to a rare land oil spill in Iraq. It is said to be one of the largest petroleum accidents in the short history of human flirtation with fossil fuels. Early estimates confirm that the crude and bitumen database could see amounts exceeding 200 million gallons.
Dribbles and leaks of liquid petroleum hydrocarbons turned into full out gushing and colossal discharge this morning near Ramadi, a town vital to ISIS in its expansionary blueprint. The raggedy ISIS force, unaccustomed to fighting in oil up to its knees, began to disintegrate in the face of Kurdish advances. Retreating to higher ground, the militants were surrounded and disoriented, leaving many vulnerable to air assaults and concentrated artillery barrages that lasted all day.
Many, firing weapons into the sky and shouting trite slogans, cut off their own heads as a protest against the presence of Shiite militias in the region. It was quite a sight to see. They just staggered around in circles like chickens, and then dropped into the sand like dead ducks.
ISIS had repeatedly pledged to destroy all refineries operating here and in Syria.
“I guess they missed one or two,” said a UN Special Forces officer attached to the Kurdish ranks. “Those Sunni geologists just never were all that attentive.”
Frontline ISIS soldiers, advancing through sand storms, were stopped dead by an ever-increasing oil slick that formed in just hours.
Whether the spill is linked to oil gluts and lower prices per barrel was not disclosed. Leaders in Europe fear that Saudi Arabia and other major oil producing countries may have dumped the petroleum so as to create an artificial shortage and thus higher prices.
“What better place to dump any unwanted commodity,” said one Turkish geologist. No collisions, no groundings, no structural damage out there, just demonic fires and multi-color explosions. Wow.”
Called a terra spill in educated circles, the river of oil may succeed in destroying ISIS, although Mideast experts agree that, with the continuation of Western policies in the region, it will be just a matter of time before another militant group emerges.
“You just don’t drop in on a culture, colonize it for its resources, smash its culture, redraw political and religious maps and buddy up with its enemies without repercussions,” said the UN spokesperson.
– Mohammad Mosaddeq
