All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Manana Lands Gumby Plant
(Special Report from Ayer, Ahora y Manana — February 23, 2016)
The Manana Developmentally Developmental League is flexing with the news that a Gumby Plant is bound for the city. The projected 800-acre facility would be the largest commercial concern in the vicinity, employing up to 350 persons.
The factory, located in the once-mothballed Manana Industrial Parque, is slated to produce over 700 million Gumbys per month. The company’s corporate headquarters will relocate to Manana from Death Valley, California, after promises of gold and a lucrative tax arrangement are formulated sometime before the end of the year.
“Landing the Gumby people was no easy task,” said Rega Muffine, Executive Director of Executive Directors for MDDL. “First, we had to buy lunch then we had to lease them the land for nothing for the next 150 years. Then we took all the top people to play golf. Then we made them honorary trustees at the Ute Indian Museum. Then we gave them tax-free carte blanche until 2030. Then we bought them elk tags. After that we schmoozed them a little and they signed the agreement.”
Manana will substitute its longtime slogan “Welcome to Manana” with “Welcome to Manana – Home of Gumbyland”.
“That was probably the clincher at a tense time in the negotiations,” said Muffine. “I could feel it.”
A big welcome is planned at the Montrose Regional Airport for sometime in December. Anyone who is indebted to the MDDL is urged to attend. Leis and bowls of Rocky Mountain Oysters will be served along with rare Olathe sweetbreads and disappearing Spring Creek alfalfa parfaits.
Manana was chosen over close finishers Joliet, Illinois and Glendive, Montana due, presumably, due to a more favorable climate. It also knocked out strong urban contenders Naco, Sonora and Andong, South Korea due to a lower wage scale that has been in place since the 70s. Gumby maintains two larger plants in Louisiana and New Jersey as well as the main assembly plant in Death Valley.
Gumby Corporation earns an estimated $3 billion per year, ranking it as number one all time in Manana lore, just edging out Shirley’s Cakes (1969 – 1989). Once the plant starts pumping out Gumbys it could be Katy Bar the Door with regards to standing fiscal records as far way as Paradox and Cahone.
Much of the success comes from a company policy of not paying employees for their toil. The benefits are, however worth it, according to Gumby which pays for employee coffee while on the job, offers free parking and 10% off in the commissary to all employees in good standing.
“That adds up to a substantial package after twenty years on the job,” said Muffine, who adds that after 30 years every employee gets a free Gumby for every member of the family, even uncles and aunts.
“We intend to keep a watchful eye on Gumby actions,” said Muffine. “We certainly don’t want another Louisiana-Pacific debasement.”
Due to poor maneuvering on the part of Manana, and Montrose County plus a classic betrayal by Colonese sheepherders back the Eighties, Louisiana-Pacific now owns most of the Gunnison, Uncompahgre and San Juan National Forests plus thousands of acres of forgotten BLM land.
“But we fooled them and kept the mineral and water rights,” stressed Muffine.
Construction of the plant, set to begin in 2016, will feature pre-fabricated walls and ceilings made in Death Valley. Few jobs will be created here although Gumby s reportedly “looking for a cheap concrete finisher”. In addition a Gala Credit Union has been established for employees who might inherit money during their tenure or moonlight with a second job for a paycheck.
Gumby brings with it a questionable track record in the air quality category. Environmentalists contend that Gumby is solely responsible for 80% of the pollution in Gary, Indiana and 0ver 90% in Racine, Wisconsin resulting from continuous toxic dumping near a Super Gumby in from 1990 – 1999. Gumby is also been declared a “person” of interest in the demise of forestland in eastern Montana and vast stretches of the Dakotas.
“Hey, nobody’s perfect,” said Muffine. “At least they don’t leave tailings behind.”
Walter T Gumby, an indigent watch repairman, who firmly believed in the ignorance of the American consumer, founded the Gumby Corporation in 1910. In just a few short months he was selling Gumbys (made by Polar Bear Breath candlelight in his dirty, filthy basement in the dark of night) all over the West Coast and Hawaii. His untimely death at 111 left the Gumby Empire to his gifted son Marvin who was also known as an intolerable bore and drunkard. Despite his failings, Marvin guided the company through the row-your-boat Twenties and icebergs of the Depression. His performance was mythological considering his alcohol intake.
“One of the reasons Gumby did not suffer in the Stock Market crash of 1929 is that the directors followed an eccentric pattern of operating on a cash only basis. Why even in the war years (1939–1945) Marvin’s peg-legged sister “Peggy” ran the entire operation out of an R.G. Dunn cigar box, once a Christmas gift from her late grandfather. By the time of the election of Franklin Roosevelt the Gumby fortune has exceeded $23 million, all safely stored in three cigar boxes on three continents.
Peggy, who followed the family tradition of longevity, (her father Marvin having died after a bout with exposure in Miami at age 99) continues to run the company by proxy on play money provided by the board for her amusement. She has yet to visit Manana due to that city’s limited mall shopping experiences.
“The Gumby story is a great example of how good old’ American stupidity and greed can result in a better life for some,” said Muffine. “Mass production right here in the USA! We are pleased to have Gumby as part of our happy industrial family.”
(Editor’s note: After months of investigative journalism we still can’t find anyone who knows just what Gumbys are used for or why anyone would want to buy one. Although billions have been sold we can’t find anyone who will admit to having purchased one. Nonetheless we will continue our quest next time around, when we travel to Death Valley to interview Peggy Gumby herself, before she drops dead and takes the secrets of the empire to the grave.)
– Kashmir Horseshoe
MAD SPANISH LAUGHTER
One step away from mad laughter
in Antiquia and Caldas…
Señora Sonrisa
loves arepas with honey
but some days she likes them with jam.
Senor Enojado
wakes up with his money
and forces his dog to eat Spam.
Blues Could Seed Clouds
(Gothic, CO — Rainy Day Business — Feb 19, 2016)
Scientists here at the Rocky Mountain Biological Laboratory agree that the correct application of blues music could have the same effect on weather patterns as cloud seeding. They suggest that each household should play the blues at least two hours per day (three hours in known drought regions).
“Too much could constipate the clouds and too little will only get limited response,” said one climatologist on loan from hurricane forecasting duties in Galveston. “Whenever we mess with the weather we are courting disaster but it’s probably worth it.”
The source did not elaborate, nor did she shed light on how all of this works when global warming is factored into the formula.
“It’s all about the driving beat, the consistency, the tempo,” continued the researcher. “I prefer Muddy Waters, Pinetop Perkins but one cannot dismiss the great B.B. King or Johnny Winter.”
The audio project, funded by the Willie Dixon Endowment, seeks to understand why the music creates a layer of warm air, rises, and then fades to seek out cooler air at the lower end of the spectrum, or chorus. The clouds that are created by these mini- ecosystems are then much more likely to get in synch and drop rain or snow.
“People don’t need a permit or a lot of expensive monitoring equipment. They just need some decent speakers and an appreciation for the slide guitar and harmonica,” said the source. “Many would be listening anyway and with a little tweak could do a lot to improve local moisture levels.”
Residents and visitors interested in participation are asked to play the Blues from 10 am to noon on weekdays and all afternoon on weekends until a valid storm front, accompanied by a haunting saxophone or a perky clarinet, emerges.
Nationally a majority of scientists says the approach could work but then again may not.
– Evelyn Marmotbreath
Zoo Escapees Doing Nicely on Plateau
(Montrose, CO — Four-Legged Mambo — February 5, 2016)
Large mammals forcibly vacating previous habitation at a local zoo seem to be thriving in the wilderness of the Uncompahgre Plateau. Although sightings are rare three African elephants, two zebras, a giraffe, a lion and a troupe of Japanese Snow Monkeys have carved out an existence and are socializing quite well in shared accommodations.
“One would expect the lion to eat the zebras and the elephants to be easily recovered due to their enormous size,” offered Gwynne Parsnippe, an animal behaviorist from the local butane society. “That isn’t happening. They all seem to get along. Maybe it’s their shared trauma of zoo life. Maybe it’s the fresh air. Maybe it’s the bounty of food there for the taking.”
According to Mark Ibrahim of the National Zoological Park in Washington DC, “Nothing odd is going on here. Animals, like humans, seek camaraderie and acceptance. They have been found to be quite versatile, practical, instinctual and clever when necessary. The wilds are their home whether it’s black forest, high mountains, flowing valleys or even semi-desert.”
What boggles even the self-appointed local experts is the instant success of the plateau venture. In addition to cooperation the refugees have created a village atmosphere employing the ideals of democratic socialism.
“They have created a functional government up there which is more than we’ve done down here,” said Parsnippe. “There are no rich and no poor. Everyone eats and has common defense against predators. It’s a mammal paradise.”
Reminiscent of the runaway slave societies that peppered the remote jungles of Brasil from the 17th to the 19th centuries, the plateau redoubt, renamed Soledad in honor of prison activists from days gone by, has yet to be discovered by gangs of marauders hired by the county to “bring down these rebels.”
The snow monkeys, or Macaques, appear to be running the show probably because they have adapted so well to their new digs. A very similar eco-system exists in the northern mountains of Japan. They have even discovered remote hot springs pools unknown before to man or beast.
“These snow monkeys are no slouches when it comes to civics, social norms or making up a pot of healthy stew from grub worms, pine moss, small rodents and aspen bark,” said Parsnippe.
The chronic increase in zoo breaks over the past 3 years has bioscientists as well as social ethologists gravely concerned.
“Animals were once thought to be happy in their cages and reconstructed biospheres,” frowned Parsnippe. “Now we’re not so sure. Maybe it’s time to reinvent zoos.”
Animal rights groups say overcrowding, bad food, pending violence and parole inconsistencies have lead to this disgraceful status. They focused on plea-bargaining and unbalanced moralities that favor certain species over others.
Up in Soledad everyone is equal and nobody lives in cages. Already propagation and procreation are double what they were in captivity. Three little ones have joined the settlement, one elephant calf, one lion cub and a beautiful new infant snow monkey who weighed in at almost ten pounds this morning.
“The birth rates are astounding,” shouted Parsnippe, “but one must consider that there’s not much else to do on the Uncompahgre Plateau in December.
– Warren of Wexley
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Elephant Beaches Self Off Carolina Coast
(Myrtle Beach, SC — The Irrelevant Elephant — January 27, 2016)
A lone elephant, draped in full Republican regalia, has given himself up to the waves of the Alantic. The 12-foot, 15,000-pound mammal (Proboscidea) was found by joggers early this morning and pronounced dead by the Horry County coroner. It is not known if this is solitary act or if further surrenders will follow.
What makes the beaching even more bizarre is that the deceased animal is one of the few rare Caucasian Bull mastodons surviving on the planet. Most elephants are either African or Asian.
The unhappy victim
“We’ve seen whales beach themselves but never really quite understand why,” said Dr. Sylvia Aardvarke, a Pawley Island veterinarian. “Now we have elephants in the sand. Elephants like to hang near water but are not particularly known as nautical beasts.”
Meanwhile the Coast Guard has been searching for answers, and/or more distressed elephants. Power brokers in control fear that further political suicides might pry a dazed and frightened electorate out of their foxholes.
“They might began to think for themselves,” said a Wall Streetwalker with a smirk.
The Muslim Marxist press reports that no donkeys have been observed within ten miles of the tragedy.
“Our highly educated guess is that the animal became depressed and embarrassed over what has happened within his party. Despite what we may think, few elephants are accustomed to observing circus clowns,” said the doctor. “Most retain wild ways and are not prepared for the full scale big top that has emerged of late. While political scientists call it premature campaigning, many in and out of the GOP are appalled at the crude behavior of people claiming to represent them.”
Unlike the proud and honorable elephant no politician has come forward to mourned the loss.
Cloning Batman Big Mistake says Boy Wonder
(Red Mountain Pass — Aviation Today — January 20, 2016)
Plans to clone super hero, Batman (no last name given) would be a mistake of grand proportions according to his longtime crime-fighting partner. Dressed in provocative tights and a tasteful black mask, Robin, who ran with Batman for decades, says his retired boss is a megalomaniac.
Citing episodes of power abuse and interference with the authorities, Robin says Batman harbors vendettas against several adversaries, specifically a man called The Joker and a former ally, named the Green Hornet. The Joker is reportedly living in a retirement community in Arizona while the Green Hornet is busy working on his memoirs at a secret location on Miller Mesa.
“Both of these now model citizens have complained of harassment and outright threats from Batman. Cloning him would only make matters twice as bad,” explained Robin tugging at his cape.
The cave dwelling bounder, not to be confused with batman, an orderly of a British army officer, has agreed to the cloning operation in return for a general amnesty. Batman has been connected to violent vigilante action dating back to the Fifties. Case after case of documented evidence links the super hero with over-the-head obstruction of justice.
“He took matters into his own hands,” said Robin. “He often dispensed punishment on the spot with little consideration for the rights of the criminal element…Zap…Bam…Zow…Whack! I know. I was there.”
Robin, who is currently vice president of a Confront Range self-help company that manufactures MSG suppositories, admitted that he lives in fear of reprisals by his former partner.
“The man is out of control, prone to hallucinations and as hyper as a hummingbird,” continued the Boy Wonder. “You’d think he’d do something constructive in his golden years…like take up golf or bingo, but he’s too arrogant.”
Offers to join both the Montrose and Gunnison police departments were rejected by the Winged Warrior on the grounds of uniform and transportation conflicts.
A local civic group, formed to reconsider the pros and cons of the proposed cloning will meet Tuesday to consider the question: Do we really need two Batmans? The session is open to the public. Bring a covered fish.
– Susie Compost
