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Colorado examines summer visa concept.

(Pinkyville) Citing overtaxed services, chronic traffic snarls, and overgrazed historical markers many elected officials here say they’ve had enough.

They are meeting this month to discuss limits and crowd control although most already threatened to limit the number of summer visitors by lottery, draw or outright restriction at the border.

“The most effective method to coordinate the flow of visitors is by requiring a visa or tourist card of some sort,” said Minnie Silverdigger of nearby Flapjack Alley, a rest area for people who enjoy being quoted in the newspapers.

 Quality of life, a term rarely employed with zest just a decade ago is now on everyone’s lips.

“We need to move public opinion from lips to feet, as in kicking feet,” laughed Donte Dimmovich, of the Parrot City Dimmovitches. “Them visas won’t keep ‘em out. They’ll just sneak in from the poorly guarded fossil fuel camps in Wyoming.”

Even local chambers of commerce, often last vestiges of questionable mercantilism, have raised an eyebrow suggesting that more people could actually translate into less profits as tourists accustomed to spending money will slowly vacate these spots do to clear diminishment of the quality of life once discovered there.

“We don’t need one million mindless tourists each spending a dollar,” said a finger-wagging source in Landfill Peak. “We need one guest with a million dollars to spend,” she punctuated, referring, if not shamelessly, to the famous Mae West quote about the revolving door of potential lovers. 

Opponents of the visa plan say that it is unconstitutional for any state to prohibit the migration of people to their backyards from another sovereign locales within the borders of the United States. They say that “demanding endorsements of tourists or imposing fines flits around butterfly-like within the boundaries of totalitarianism.”

Officials on the federal level have yet to comment on the proceedings and did not return our telegraph messages Thursday.

– Natalie Nightshade


A primer for visitors and residents who may have missed something

by Uncle Pahgre

Armadillo – a.) one of the few organisms not found in gaping chuckholes on Colorado highways. b.) not a city on I-40 on the way to Plano. 

Buffalo (Golden) – a. A football team that, despite drafting prospects from Southern California will never beat Nebraska. b.) curious mascot of a team that people in Western Colorado hope will do well even though most resent Boulder.

Cannibal – in Lake City aka Alferd Packer, the man who allegedly ate all the Democrats in Hinsdale County in 1874. History tells it that the tragedy was a result of desperation near Slumgullion Pass but it just as well could have resulted from Packer’s sticker shock at the price of Western Slope groceries.

DOW – The Division of Wildlife. Custodians of our furry friends. You can tell one of these from the bears because they wear baseball caps. Even though they may spend a good portion of the day out in the woods they still have a behind-the-desk approach. These people actually believe public land is better under federal protection. See Logging and the USFS.

Exotic – Disneyland to someone who’s never been out of Mesa County. Mesa Mall to someone who has never been out of Craig.

Flatlanders – People who live at lower elevation and visit Colorado to buy a second home thus driving real estate prices through the ceiling. People who video cam mountains even though the latter don’t generally provide movement of any kind.

Guns – What every person in Western Colorado stockpiles thinking it will hold off federal helicopters, bears or an angry neighbor.

Hemp – After a well educated electorate, what the feds fear the most, for no clear reason. A universal fabric that could save many natural resources by application. 

Indian – a.) Feathered character often called savage by the enlightened manifest destiny folks of 19th Century b.) natives of India. c.) persons providing target practice for drugstore cowpokes on Saturday morning TV in the 50s. 

Jackass – a.) a useful, yet stubborn, methodical, cantankerous pack animal  b.) Person who exhibits a similar behavior to the animal minus the ability to carry his own weight.

Kryptonite – The mineral common to Red Lady Mountain in Crested Butte. Used in the production of mountain bikes, the rare ingredient is the treasure to be mined by the evil monster, Amax.

Lynx – a relative of the bobcat this beautiful wild animal has been hunted to near extinction due to its practice of killing and eating ugly sheep and chickens. See The Missing Lynx..

Mariachi – a.) a type of music originating from Spain, then Mexico. b.) the type of music often generated from low riders (See Espanola) c.) the kind of music the late Botsie Spritzer played in his fishing wagon when he couldn’t find his polka tapes.

Naked – a.) How one comes into this world and, unless tampered with by an obsessive valet of sorts, how one will g out. b.) the sinful and immoral display of the human body without the benefit of clothing c.) how mule deer go to work each day.

Ohio – a.) a place where a lot of early Gunnison County pioneers came from as evidenced by the presence of Ohio Creek, Ohio Pass, Ohio City on local maps. b.) a reasonably good place to be from. c.) in a spelling bee the easiest challenge compared to Allegheny and Monongahela.

Pea Green – a.) the fiscal and religious center of the American Dream, located near Hoover’s Corner. b.) a medical disorder common to sailors attempting to ward off the scurvy by consuming a gross quantity of limes.

Quartsite – a.) a 19th century mining town/district claiming 10,000 residents at its height (prior to cable TV). b.) a lot on which to build a Quarthouse. c.) a fictitious tent city Shangri-La created by the Colorado Historical Society to lure summer tourists into the state.

Railroad – a.) Once the pride of Western Colorado now all but gone from the landscape. Clear thinking residents agree that reconstruction would solve a host of mass transportation problems, alleviate road maintenance costs and decrease drunk driving infractions. b.) the preferred mode of subsidized transportation in most civilized nations.

Slow Elk – a.) a bovine, something easy to shoot at. b.) a pasture potato that resembles cattle.

Tree – the major component of waferboard, one of man’s necessities. 

Uncompahgre – a.) the most mispronounced word (by visitors) until Saguache was invented in 1877. b.) a bastardization of what Tonto called the Lone Ranger.

Venison – a rude and insensitive term for deer no longer on-the-hoof. 

Water – a.) traditionally the major issue to residents on the west side of the Maginot Line (Continental Divide). Newcomers seem to think that it just runs through the fosset while Front Range interests think its something with which to flush their state-of-the-art toilets in Aurora and Colorado Springs. b.) the wet stuff in lakes and rivers. c.) a clear, colorless, nearly odorless and tasteless liquid unless one seeks a drink from an urban water supply wherein it becomes a putrid bit of semi-refreshment. d.) proverbially the stuff that one can lead a horse to but cannot make the animal drink.

Xylophone – a musical instrument not common to polka or bluegrass music. Better than relying on Xerxes or Xerox to get to the next letter. An easy one if this article were in Chinese.

Yampa – a.) a Northern Ute band who didn’t take kindly to preachers plowing up local race tracks and introducing farming. Joseph Meeker’s short term clients. b.) a major landmark in downtown Sunbeam, Colorado. 

Zaminsky – (Charlotte) a girl with whom Walt Swetkoff went to grammar school in New Jersey. It is a name he cannot forget. She was kinda cute back then but, according to Swetkoff, it’s tough to say what she looks like now.

– Melvin O’Toole 

BLM to construct new wilderness area

Local Events As We Imagine Them

(Denver) A spokesman for the Bureau of Land Management announced today that it would begin work on a multi-million dollar wilderness area just west of the town of Almont before the sun goes down this afternoon.

Like Jack Flash Officials appeared out of thin air, recruiting trees, rocks, deer, elk, bear, lion, marmots, coyote, trout, eagles, hawks and mountain goats for their new backwoods boondocks. They expect to have an indigenous, well-trained, instinctive staff installed by next summer.

This is the second man-made designer wilderness area to be implemented in Western Colorado since the Rockies were a contender. Readers will recall the petti tieux-dieux over the revamping of pastureland in Montrose back in the late Nineties, when the former paradise took on the demeanor of Arvada. The shopping zone is now ranked third in the At Risk Urban Wilderness Places register, according to an impressive academic paper “What if Allah is Nuts Too?” published by the Disappointment Valley Optimists last November.

Almont residents expressed concern over the expected influx of migrant workers who are reportedly headed this way following the announcement of the project. 

Newly endorsed Almont Building Inspector Mel Boardfoote-Toole, spent most of last night examining newly poured foundations with a flashlight before driving his 1938 Henway across the river and through the woods and into a large woodpile discarded by fishermen somewhere near the Enchanted Almont Triangle.

“I almost fell out after all that figuring but some space creatures woke me up just before I started flowing down toward Gunny,” winced Toole. “They said they were cruising to Pitkin County to perform “life-threatening surgeries on the mindless rich” according to the one who spoke tolerable English. 

Anyone involved in this project or this news account has until midnight Thursday to turn himself into the Tin Cup police and receive a full pardon, compliments of the local chamber of commerce. Vacillators will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law.

– Gabby Haze

Lost: Jar of stupid pills. Name on label. Need for work on Monday. Patent pending. Antidote on order. Emily Sweetwater, Cannabis Grove.   

Millionaire Christians Meet

Millionaire Christians Meet

(Ridgway) The first ever meeting of the Christian Millionaires Club was held here last night attracting an assortment of the righteous who have managed to acquire vast sums of money and now seek to nail down their eternal salvation.

Among the subjects discussed was the purchase of Ridgway Town Park, the termination of local liquors licensing, sending out mass mailings, a whitewashing of the town’s historic church and what to do with people who refuse to embrace certain philosophies.

“If these pagan elements would simply open up to the bigger picture I’m sure they’d see the advantages of joining our cult,” said Charla Tinn a spokesman for the club. “We host hay rides, bonfires, book burnings and bring in lots of Christian talent. Let’s face it, we have all the money and will soon be having the only fun.”

Tinn, a former recreational drug enthusiast from Southern California, says she was saved on the street in Hollywood back in 1994. Thanks to a strong resolve and plenty of inherited family money she kicked heroin and found religion. She moved to Ridgway the next year.

“Our club is open to everyone…not just millionaires. Billionaires too are welcome to our ministry as is anyone with a missionary commitment, just so long as they can pay their dues.”

Tinn went on to say that her membership saw no conflict in supporting Israel and adhering to the Christian way of life.

“It’s either us or them,” she waffled. “Didn’t you ever read the Old Testament. I’ve got it here on Univision in my Lexus.”

Following the meeting a reporter asked whether the late prophet Jesus Christ, the man whose philosophies the group claims to follow, could afford membership in their elite group.

 “He probably could have joined but he kept giving away all his cash. Maybe we could have found him a sponsor among our multitudes.”

– Kashmir Horseshoe

All Cars to Be Same Color by ’30

(Detroit) According to the nation’s big three auto makers all cars manufactured after 2025 will be the same color. This will hold true with cars and trucks made in the U.S. as well as those produced by other major players such as Japan, Germany, Russia and Great Britain.

According to an auto industry spokesperson there is no utilitarian purpose for all the colors, which were only an enticement aimed at getting people to buy cars that they thought would make a statement such as the red Corvette, the black Dakota or the silver Land Rover.

“We think today’s driver is brighter and wants to save on unnecessary frills,” clutched a high industry source. “What is red anyway but a mixture of orange and black? And what of canary yellow, or blue opal? It’s all but an illusion.”

At present every car will be painted desert tan, as it comes off the assembly line, but marketing departments are scurrying to come up with a more exciting sounding name than desert tan.

“It’s kind of a screened prune color or maybe even a rose adobe or shrouded copper, I don’t know,” he said. “I’m sure our people will come up with something nice even if it makes no logical sense at all.”

Consumer reaction was mixed with some saying color is one of the major factors to consider when purchasing a vehicle and others saying you can’t tell the difference between a Cadillac and a Mercedes anymore anyway.

“They might as well all be the same color,” quipped one potential buyer. “I’d just like to meet the person who sold them all that paint.”

– Gabby Haze 

If you put enough words, ideas, characters and conclusions in one end a story is bound to come out the other. It’s physics, or chemistry, or prune juice. I don’t know.” – Melvin Bedwetter O’Toole, on the anniversary and recognition of formula novel writing, chain bookstores and payola publishing in America.

California Spanky Law Plays to Mixed Reviews

Proposals now on the docket calling for fines and jail time for parents who spank their kids in California appears likely to pass in the next session.      In an attempt to clarify the situation, we contacted Spanky, the sponsor of the bill and Alfalfa, a strong opponent to the potential legislation.

Horseshoe: Good morning Mr. Spanky. Can you tell us why you have sponsored such a controversial bill? It seems that with the country at war, in environmental chaos, in economic turmoil, in dire need of analysis and unable to effectively police its own borders we continue to focus on gay marriage, legalizing marijuana and now a spanking law. Why is that?

Spanky: Because we can’t do anything about the real problems facing the nation but there are plenty of Americans out there that we can control just by-passing new laws.

Horseshoe: So, it’s a control thing..

Spanky: Isn’t everything?

Horseshoe: What about all the illegal immigrants in California? Can they legally spank their children?

Spanky: Who cares? Most don’t have a visible income. How can the indigent be expected to pay for therapy, meetings, fines and court costs?

Horseshoe: So, the focus is more on people with an income, property, something to lose.

Spanky: Right. They are the ones that are the easiest to control. They have made an investment and must protect it.

(Enter Alfalfa)

Horseshoe: Hello Mr. Alfalfa and thanks for coming to talk to us this morning.

Alfalfa: Wouldn’t miss it.

Horseshoe: Spanky here thinks his proposed legislation will pass in the California House. What do you think?

Alfalfa: First of all I am an Alfalfa Male and Alfalfa Males do not need to abuse those weaker than themselves. I don’t spank my kids and I never have.

Horseshoe: Then you support the bill?

Alfalfa: Aww contrary. I firmly oppose it just like I opposed keeping girls like Carla out of the men’s club!

Horseshoe: Can you elaborate?

Alfalfa: If this no spanking law goes through, we may as well start building more wings on San Quentin and reopen Alcatraz. We’ll need the room with all the newly emerging criminals who never had parameters at home. Is the state willing to pay for that? These kinds of laws, like DUI laws and seat belt laws, are not created due to any remote concern over public safety. They are all about revenue. Let’s restrict the people who already pay taxes so that social workers and psychologists can milk a little more money out of them. It will not rid society of abuse. Just because some ass hole like Spanky thinks he can better the situation by writing it into our legal system does not mean the problem is fixed. The entire machine is a dismal failure and the sooner we scrap it, eat the rich and redistribute the wealth we will never see the light of day. 

Spanky: Communist!

Alfalfa: No just an Alfalfa Male trying to make sense of it all.

Horseshoe: Let’s get back to the discussion on the table. What if the parents simply drove their children over to Nevada or up to Oregon and spanked them there?

Spanky: That might work.

Alfalfa: I have no problem with that.

Horseshoe: Well, now we have some common ground. What about step-children? Are they to be protected from spankings…

(Continued page 45)