All Entries in the "Soft News" Category

Rockies’ Blackball decision looming just as season begins

(Denver) In a mock ballot the Colorado’s Broncos, Nuggets, Avalanche and Rapids have voted to blackball the Colorado Rockies. The four other professional franchises in the state tipped their poker hands early showcasing strong feelings in regard to the Rockies’ future here.

The Broncos, Avalanche and Nuggets have shown very positive credentials with the football and hockey teams finishing at the top of their respective leagues while the Nuggets are seen as serious contenders for the NBA crown. The Rapids too, a newer football/soccer club, seem to have followed a reasonable flow toward future success.

The Rockies are hereby on probation beginning at spring training. Tentative action may take place following the 2026 season.

“Out of the Platte and into the Frying Pan” said one Rockies’ executive, who has yet to trade away potential stars currently on the roster.

For more on this please turn to Coloradans save millions on Rockies tickets and attire —Money spent on more important pursuits like food and gasoline.

– Tommy Middlefinger

Ancient ones never bothered with building permit in Montezuma County

The Anasazi, or Ancient Ones, as the Pueblos call them, never secured the proper documents before completing Mesa Verde. The county has been trying to set the record straight for over 30 years with little luck and a lot of frustration.

“We’ve been looking for someone to hand the bill to, but they all seem to have moved on,” said County Manager Melvin Toolski, who also seems to have disappeared in last year.

According to reliable and preferred sources:

Mesa Verde, which is now a National Park, was occupied by the Ancestoral Puebloans from approximately 550 CE to 1300 CE, who transitioned from mesa-top pit houses to sophisticated,, 600+ cliff dwellings. These indigenous farmers and builders thrived for centuries, leaving behind, 1000+ sites, including Cliff Palace, before migrating south to New Mexico and Arizona due to severe, 1200s, drought and social pressures. 

The swift departure and subsequent relocation has left the gov’ment holding the bag as it were with back taxes alone estimated to be over 15 million dollars in today’s currency.

“We have all but written this debt off falling sort of labelling these ancients as deadbeats,” said Toolski. “They are probably at some tropical beach in Mexico spending our money on tequila and menudo.”

Another spokesman for the county said the matter had been put on the back burner since it is well past the statute of limitations.

“Conservatively speaking we are probably 720 years too late for legal action, even if we could find a responsible party to target,” she explained.

Anasazi a Navajo name that is interpreted as ancient enemy, is now considered disrespectful by the 26 tribes who descended from these ancient peoples. This includes the Hopi, the Acoma, the peoples of Taos Pueblo, and all who live along the Little Colorado and Rio Grande rivers. These descendants of the people who lived in Mesa Verde for 700 years want the original inhabitants of Mesa Verde, Colorado, be known as the Ancestoral Puebloans.

How Things Happen: Walter Brown

“He said honey, “I pilfered, I trifled

I murdered, I lied and I stole”

And she said “Hush and eat your supper

before everything gets cold.”

— Mark Germino

 

 For the second time in his 29 years my son was after me to get a dog. Since

the first time worked out reasonably well, I wasn’t adamantly opposed to the

idea.

 My son and I agree that a dog should be of a certain size, girth, width,

height, stature and so forth.  When we think dog we think large.  For one

thing it is hard to call a small dog a grand name like Snow King, Thor,

Juneau or Maverick.

We next pondered what kind of large dog would be most appropriate. We

discussed several brand names  –  Newfoundland and Irish Wolfhound among

them.  My son agreed to track down a source for these dogs. He’d get back to

me.

When he did several weeks later he offered a curious plan.

“First of all dad, these dogs cost money”

“What dogs?”

“Newfoundlands and they drool.”

“How much ?”

“They drool a lot dad and . . “

“No, no, how much money?

$1200 – $1500 bucks”

“Jesus son, I’m not gonna pay $1500 bucks for a dog , drool or not.”

“No dad. I’m gonna buy the dog” he said without conviction or any

enthusiasm I could notice.

“You’re going to buy the dog huh. Where are you going to get it?”

“Seattle. I think I can buy the dog in Seattle”

“You’re going to Seattle to buy the dog?” My son lives in Denver.

“No, I’ll order the dog over the internet. “I thought about this for a

couple of seconds.

“How are you going to get the dog down here.” I live in Northern New

Mexico.

“I’ll send you the dog.”

I think we both knew that the plan was dubious at best but even the

strangest endeavors sometimes assume a momentum of their own. Look at the

candidacy of George W. Bush for president.

As I thought this whole thing over I knew what I had to do. I immediately

gave notice at work to create yet more time to think this over; to prepare

myself mentally and spiritually; to be on hand when the mailman delivered

the dog and so on.  I also came up with a name for the dog. Walter. The dog

would be called Walter.

My son called back a couple of weeks later with the news that he had

discussed with his fiancee the plan to buy a $1500 dog in Seattle over the

internet and send it to me .

“What did she say son?”

“She said it was the dumbest thing she had ever heard of.”

We were both relieved.

This would probably have been the end of the whole matter had I not come up

with a name for the dog.

Walter.

  Some people believe that as a concept or idea becomes real in your mind it

becomes real in actuality. Kind of like what you believe is what you’re

gonna get. Nobody knows exactly how this works because the mechanism is

invisible to most of us. It may have to do with the “unified field”. It may

have to do with the “collective unconscious”. It may revolve from  some

mysterious “underlying intelligence”. We don’t understand it precisely

because it is silent to our normal senses but that in no ways means it

doesn’t exist.

Some people see it as no more than the complete circle of giving and

receiving.  Some people call it flow, others call it belief or faith. Still

others tab it dumb luck.

The first time I actually saw Walter was about a week later. He was

recovering from internal injuries and surgery to repair a broken back leg.

He was in a cage at the Vet’s office looking kind of sad and dopey.  My ex

wife, who found him the day before outside of the Espanola library, an

apparent victim of an encounter with a car or truck, had taken him to the

vet then notified me.

As I looked at Walter I wondered of course if he would grow to be a

reasonably large dog, which he has to include an astoundingly large head. I

also wondered what kind of dog he might be.  Today, six  months later, I am

still wondering.

The vet told me that because Walter had four pins in his leg that it was

very important, oh boy did she stress this, that the dog not walk ,

certainly not run, around for two weeks.

I fashioned a cardboard box and pretty much carried Walter around with me.

From time to time removing him from the box and placing him outside

exhorting and encouraging him to do his duty or something like that. I’m not

sure how I put it.

It is not easy  to keep a  month old puppy in cardboard box for an extended

period of time. I think I did as well as the next guy except one occasion

when Walter was accompanying me in the truck on a trip to Espanola.

One of my accomplishment since I left Crested Butte is learning how to use

a drive up ATM machine and it was on the way to such a machine that I made

my first mistake. I pulled into MacDonalds and ordered a Sausage MucMuffin.

I placed the  breakfast sandwich on the dashboard and drove across the

street to the ATM machine where with confidence I inserted the plastic card

into the bowels of the machine. I punched in a four number code known only

to me and requested forty bucks. The machine indicated it was processing .

At this time I made my second mistake. I reasoned I could unwrap and take a

bite out of that Sausage MucMuffin while I waited for my cash. The instant

the sandwich was unwrapped and en route  to my mouth Walter, bum leg and

all, sprang like a cougar out of the box straight through me towards the

sandwich. Surprised and startled  I fended off the surprisingly strong and

determined dog in an effort to protect myself and the sandwich which was

mistake # 3.

  Walter tumbled back into his box which in turn tumbled  into the gearshift

and onto the floor of the truck  spewing out the dog in a crumbled and

awkward position and causing him to engage in a sustained, plaintive howl.

Oh Jesus, what have I done? As the machine churned out my cash,  I set

about rescuing the dog, spilling a cup of dangerous McDonald coffee in the

process, not directly on the dog thank god, but  contributing in general to

the ongoing mayhem and disorder.

  I untangled the dog the best I could. I repeatedly expressed sincere

regret . I held him. I cajoled and calmed him. I lamented my stupidity and

then after the third absolution of “‘I’ll make up to you Walter I really

will” I reached out to complete my transaction with the ATM machine only the

money wasn’t there any longer. Did it fly out of the tray?  Did it . . .

I subsequently learned that after a prescribed period of time ATM machines

will swallow back your money.  The machine of course deducts the money it

just snatched away from you from your account.  It’s your fault. You didn’t

“grab it fast.” I tossed the now battle torn sandwich in the trash and drove

away.

Walter has cost me in other ways. When I engaged a plumber at the modest

rate of 80 bucks an hour Walter stealthily removed a key part, then a key

tool from the operation which cost me at least another forty bucks in time

relocating. Then there is his curious habit of  snatching my razor and

chewing it , blade included, beyond recognition. Did I mention that he

throws up any food that costs less than $1 a can?

Still the dog is a blessing, a proud and goofy compliment and companion.

Most guys really like their dogs and I’m no exception. Perhaps it’s the

unconditional love, for sure it’s the humor, and  maybe, just maybe, it

sometimes has something to do with the process of  how a thing happens in

the first place.

— Lee H. Ervin

White Nationalists missed big chance to rename Winter Olympics

The 2026 Winter Olympics could have been called The Caucasian Olympics plus 2 (China and Japan) but white supremacist blew it.

Clearly Aryans dominate the event with Norse and Flemish overtones and including Southern European tribes such as the Spain, Portugal, France and the 2026 hosts.

1^st Winter Olympics were held in Chamonix, France 1924. Before that there were no Winter Olympics since the entire concept originated in Greece and there is not enough snow to bobsled or ample ice to engage in the suspense of  curling.

One might ask: Well then why didn’t Hitler, (or even Georgian Joe Stalin*) jump on the chance to promote the Caucasian culture?

Glad you asked: The next every-four-years scheduled Olympic Games would have been in 1928 while Adolf was cooling his heels in the calaboose. In 1932 he was engaged in street fighting, minority baiting and more beer hall entanglements. By the time of the winter games in 1936 rolled around Herr Hitler was far to engrossed in Lebensraum, Non-Aggression Mustache Pacts and plans to invade his neighbors to get his lip whiskers around a little snow and ice over in the Alps.

*Stalin, who according to Secret Police hatchet man Levrently Beria, was a shitty skier, was busy with purges and famines during those years which left him little time to pursue athletic venues.

“Democrats today are the party of the environmental lunatics, the transgender lunatics, the ones that think that we should be giving everything to foreign countries and not doing anything for our nation,”

– Senator Bernie Moreno, Republican of Ohio

Largest pancake continues to expand

Big Al Carpe’s Annual Food Fair over at the Federal Gov’ment began last weekend but the winning pancake batter did not adhere to closing times. As of this morning the winning pancake continues to grow, seeping and amassing, It is now more than a mile in circumference and growing.

More than 2,000 acres have already been smothered by the batter blob which takes trees and topsoil, redefining canyons and gulches along the way along its robotic trek to the sea.

“This is big” said a BLM spokesperson. But we think it’s killing some pine beetles.”

Molten lava-like surges continue to threaten the snotty beach suburbs near Sync Hole and creep steadily into the Ski Trenches toward the volatile Sun-dried Tomato Parkway, slowing Pinkyville commuters to their television sets and light beer.

Eyewitnesses report that the blob is less than five miles from the Security Fences at Badrap and only yelling distance from Haley Draw and the promiscuous oilfields of the Eurasian Abyss.

Fire departments from Cahone to Maybelle are standing by and talking heads over in Denver are sending in more butter and syrup to placate the pancake and ward off what is beginning to look like another seasonal disaster. Leaders here are fearful that the batter will duplicate itself if it reaches the dairy farms of Entrailia or the densely populated slums of the Lust River Valley.

The winner of the contest, who was not named pending notification of his creditors, would not comment on the development nor share his recipe. No charges were filed.

– Pockets Marsupial

—ADVERTENCIA—

La recién renovada Agencia de Protección Ambiental planea confiscar todas las viviendas de hojalata deshabitadas a partir del 31 de julio. Las estructuras se fundirán para fabricar armas que se venderán a países emergentes y para producir envases de plástico para las víctimas de la sequía en la selva amazónica. Casas rodantes, almacenes, graneros, tiendas, edificios de oficinas y perchas encabezan la lista. Se recomienda a los residentes del oeste de Colorado que dejen muebles desechados, basura doméstica, autos viejos y otros objetos de recuerdo en el perímetro de sus propiedades para protegerse de esta última intrusión gubernamental. Recuerde: es poco probable que los recolectores de basura de la EPA toquen nada que se esté moviendo. Un poco de atención a este asunto ahora puede evitar muchos problemas el próximo invierno. Para más información, escríbanos a www.tinmananddorothy.com.