All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
24-hour dispensaries grace Crested Butte
Sparkling 24-hour dispensories like this one are cropping up all over Gunnison County. This one, just off Elk Avenue in Crested Butte features an assortment of cerebral treats, real and imagined. Sorry but some blackout days still remain until technicians figure out last minute glitches.
Plastic Refuge Shot into Space
(Ridgway) Engineers at the Ridgway Landfill (www.ridgwaydump.org) have begun the initial phases of projecting unwanted plastics into outer space. The experimental procedure is aimed at ridding the facility of items that will never rot on their own.
Early this morning 25 tons of water bottles, baby diapers, cell phones and household appliances were rocketed in the direction of Venus. If this virgin voyage is successful in penetrating the outer atmosphere other launches will follow.
“The last thing we want is for the town’s “dirty laundry” to be orbiting the planet for eternity,” said Dupris DeBris, formerly of the fashionable Crested Butte DeBrises, who is recognized as the brains behind the entire operation. “If we can simply project our garbage into another planet’s sphere it will then become their problem, he gestured menacingly. “It could work well or, if our calculations are just slightly off, our capsule could hit Silverton (like when Russian rockets hit the former Oasis Tavern in Gunnison) or run smack into the Moon. Then we’d have one hell of a mess.”
At the time of this report the rogue plastic was still on its way up.
Pilot programs such as this one have been attempted by amateur rocket scientists since Cape Kennedy was seized from the Seminoles, but none have had the manpower and moral support of an entire community. Contribution buckets have been stuffed full and most local airports have agreed to suspend morning flights so as not to interfere with the tedious voyages.
“More and more we have a population that is not engaged in daily toil,” said DeBris. “We welcome any help in the hands-on arena. Manpower is imperative since it takes about half a day to build one of our projectiles. We need people on the ground and, in the near future, people willing to ride shotgun,” said DeBris. “Even newcomers are welcome. It will give them something to do besides drinking and running for town council.”
Persons wishing to observe the flights should assemble at the Ridgway Drug Dealer building before dawn each week day to catch a shuttle up to the landfill where a continental breakfast, featuring Grape Tang will be served. Residents are reminded that no dumping will be allowed during the blast0ff launches, so please leave your dogs at home.
– Signelle de Bushe
Los episodios de I Love Lucy no se pueden detener
(Hollywood) Las proyecciones posteriores de I Love Lucy, que alguna vez fue en horario de máxima audiencia, no se pueden terminar electrónicamente y continuarán cubriendo las ondas durante muchos años, según la mayoría de las fuentes de la cadena en el sur de California. Los programas, que se han ejecutado en orden sucesivo, las 24 horas del día, los 7 días de la semana, uno tras otro, durante el último mes, parecen tener mente propia.
“Todo esto tiene un carácter encantador y, en verdad, muestra más creatividad que la que este medio ha visto desde los años cincuenta”, afirma un informe publicado. “Incluso si una entidad fuera propietaria de todas las estaciones de televisión del país, el fenómeno sin duda continuaría”.
Los episodios de Lucy comenzaron a aparecer en todas las cadenas de Estados Unidos inmediatamente después de que la Comisión Federal de Comunicaciones se vendiera, lo que permite una mayor explotación de las ondas públicas por parte de intereses especiales y ricos que buscan el control de la información. El reciente fallo de la FCC permite relajar las restricciones sobre múltiples tenencias en todo el país y abre la puerta a controles por parte de unos pocos privilegiados.
“Estos son los peces gordos que ayudaron a financiar la adquisición de Dubya”, dijo la fuente. “Ahora están cosechando los beneficios de los reembolsos prometidos”.
Según los grupos de vigilancia de los medios de comunicación, estas tortuosas demostraciones de repetición neurótica son o un intento del gobierno de distraer a la población o podrían ser el comienzo de una invasión extraterrestre del planeta.
Fuentes de la FCC nos dicen que están estudiando el problema y esperan llegar al fondo del enigma antes de que salgan los nuevos programas el próximo otoño. Mientras tanto, es Lucy o el patrón de prueba. Estaciones independientes y representantes de la televisión pública han expresado su preocupación porque sus señales están siendo interrumpidas y/o enviadas indiscriminadamente al espacio ultraterrestre.
A pesar de una ligera caída en los ratings, nuestra audiencia habitual no ha detectado los cambios de formato.
“Disfruto especialmente los segmentos en los que aparecen Fred y Ethyl (Mertz), pero no me importa todo el revuelo del club nocturno con Ricky Ricardo”, dijo un empleado de la FCC. “Simplemente no me parece real, pero soy un gran fanático de los programas policiales”.
Los defensores de los consumidores están furiosos ante estos acontecimientos, pero siguen repitiendo el mismo mantra: no aprenderás absolutamente nada mirando televisión. Hace que uno sea estúpido. Es una pérdida de tiempo. Además, insisten en que la única manera de combatir el Gran Hermano es simplemente apagar esa maldita cosa.
-Triste Feliz
SPIRIT ABUSE BILL PICKS UP STEAM IN HOUSE
A shaky proposition sponsored by secular congressmen seeks to terminate the rampant exploitation of metaphysical fears and unexplained phenomenon forwarded by “unclean, soulless predators preying on the human predicament since before fabricated gods were cooked up in Mesopotamia, Switzerland or Boston.”
One popular creed, Fiscal Puritan, disguised as a ragged holy man screaming platitudes from the desert, where transparent spirits abound, claims to have the ear of the All-Knowing.
A popular strip mall preacher has gone so far as to suggest that book banning is akin to, and often as effective as, witch burning and lynchings. “Communists!”, he shouted peering into the opaque ceiling and beyond. He used this word 37 times in a 2-minute rant, even as his well buffed knuckles exposed the strain of regular contact with the pavement.
“They have successfully tapped the anger cask, the hate keg,” said a competing transcendent mystic from across the path of corpulence. “Charlatans in our own barnyard bringing in the sheep? That won’t do,” he gasped.
“The self-divined often resent losing half of their flock to the new guy on the block,” ripped the book igniter. “He should have spiced up the oatmeal he serves on Sundays.”
The spirit abuse bill, which would require that mail order preachers and the self-proclaimed righteous would have to show a clean soul and honorable intentions before sinking their teeth into the soft underbelly of the fearful flocks.
A prominent church-and-state separatist called for religious to pay taxes if they continue to toy with and wallow in the ongoing political fray.
“Cornucopias, Mumbo-Jumbo and prosperity… There’s big money to be made in religion,” he quacked.
Another fence-sitter suggested sending in legions of archangels to punish these charlatans.
“They spend their lives worrying about the afterlife without having considered that this world may well be it. It’s no wonder with these lies and convoluted explanations that we see so many unhappy people wandering around not knowing how to enjoy this beautiful garden,” she clucked.
See related references to metaphysical fraud, “faith fraud”, divinity detachment,
and fear-based pablum, olfactory soul abuse
“Gosh there sure have been a lot of Palestinians killed in Gaza. Somebody should do something.” – Anthony Blinken, US Secretary of State.
Escobar’s Hippos won’t fit in one’s Christmas stocking
As the holidays rage on here in Antioquia we cast our one good eye to the east near the Magdalena River where wild, invasive hippos roam at will.
The herd has grown exponentially since the demise of infamous drug lord, Pablo Escobar (who smuggled four hippos out of a Texas zoo in 1980) and his short-lived exotic zoo in the midst of Colombia’s thriving waterways.
The often dangerous hippos had become a popular attraction, part of his massive 2,000-hectare Hacienda Napoles ranch in Puerto Triunfo, which featured an ostentatious Spanish colonial house, a landing strip, and a myriad of artificial lakes.
Escobar, flexing his cocaine fortune, wanted a truly exotic wildlife park, so he also brought rhinos, elephants, giraffes, ostriches and many more animals, calling it his “own Noah’s Ark.”
When Escobar was gunned down by the Colombian government the hippos escaped and are now at large with no known predators and an extended mating season due to a comfortable environment, much wetter than their original African home.
Scientists agree that any delay in controlling the burgeoning hippo population could have serious consequences.
“It is the biggest hippo herd outside Africa, just under 200
The animals are spreading across Colombia’s biggest river basin, from which many thousands of people make their living,” said one biologist. “There have been sightings of hippos as far as 370km from Hacienda Napoles.”
And so to meet the threat Colombia has begun sterilizing hippos, which does not sound like a particularly pleasant way to spend the afternoon. It’s either this procedure or euthanasia since the cost of relocation is exorbitant at best, even with dollars hovering from the now defunct War on Drugs.
The Magdalena River
The dismal failure of self-serving programs like this often contribute to a precarious live and let live attitude toward the territorial and dangerous mammals, which can easily weigh-in at 6500 pounds.*
Surgical darts packed with the drug GonaCon are the easiest way but sometimes the darts don’t penetrate the thick hide of the animals.
“It’s like trying to penetrate the mind of a cocaine user up north or in Europe,” said one veterinarian on the scene.
In chronic cases the animals must be captured, anesthetized, transported by helicopter, and surgically operated upon.
“This is very challenging and can be dangerous for both the people and hippos, an uninvited pet psychologist understated.
