All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Snubbed clowns threaten walkout days before circus season
More than 5000 traditional entertainers in the full regalia of exaggerated makeup and ridiculous costume descended on the Pea Green town hall Thursday demanding a redressing of longtime annoyances including poor pensions, dangerous workplaces and long hours.
In addition these militant clowns say jobs are disappearing and that even small children are not coming to see them anymore.
“The days of the bearded lady and the circus strongman are waining and fiscal security is melting away,” said a spokesperson for the Clown Union. “We must be recognized as an integral part of society and the respect due to our station as the original thespians.”
State and federal sources say they have begun a re-eduction plan for displaced victims of the diminishing bigtop, aimed at retraining these fuzzy haired, seltzer bottle spraying Americans. Already a vast cross-section have undergone primary training as politicians, preachers and sports broadcasters.
One supportive entity told the Horseshoe that the strike “Cripples smiles at a time where we need them the most.
“This so-called clown protest threatens very social fabric of the nation and exposes irregularities and gaping holes in day to day survival of a misunderstood and grossly underpaid segment of our population. One can easily appraise a culture by the way it treats its clowns. When it comes to improving this sad story we are all in.”
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“One can easily appraise a culture by the way it treats its clowns.”
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Others disagree saying the clowns are spoiled and pampered while lion tamers and monkey acts bring home the bacon.
“They’ve got it good,” said one ringmaster. “We will not be intimidated by threats. We’ll just fill in the empty acts with elephants and high wire performances until these malcontents come to their senses.”
Many circus managers contend that over 100,000 Americans apply for entry level clown positions from Bar Harbor to Nogales.
“Moments after running an ad in the paper and get lines of hopefuls squeaking their horns and acting silly in the hopes of landing in sawdust and grease paint,” said one former acrobat now a three-ring executive.
“We’re tired of being taken as fools with red noses and big shoes. We are people too,” said a hastily presented list of grievances. “Seeking clarity and closure is our prime motive here,” continued the statement. “Then and only then will we return to being clowns.”
Local town council and school board officials have stepped up to volunteer to take the place of the striking performers until the matter is resolved.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Missing Link Cornered at Town Hall
(Cahone) Local police here cornered an elusive shadow figure, believed to be the Missing Link, last night after a town council meeting. Details were sketchy as to what the visitor wanted or whether the mysterious stranger was simply a concerned citizen or a potential candidate for office.
“He mumbled when he spoke and would not make eye contact with any of the other people in the meeting,” said Susie Compost, mayor of this Western Colorado town. “That alone would qualify him for many elected positions around these parts.”
As the officers converged, the suspected Missing Link retreated through a hallway, jumped out of an open window and disappeared into the night.
The transparent transient is wanted for questioning related to the Theory of Evolution.
– Dag Katz
“God is a postulate. I don’t think God is interested in the verification of his existence, and, neither am I.”
– Allessandro Giuliani – in Soldier of the Great War, by Mark Helprin
Icy Streets and Leash Laws Clash
Council Reconsiders Priorities
(Crested Butte) The town council here may rescind a 150-year-old leash law, due to safety considerations, on Crested Butte’s icy streets and alleys. The action came Monday night as elected officials argued the merits of the long standing ordinance compared with the safety of its dog-walking citizens.
Arctic weather and seasonal moisture here have combined to create treacherous conditions, especially on the town’s north-side streets and alleys. Even Elk Avenue gets a little dicey early in the morning and after sunset.
When a pedestrian mixes an already precarious stroll with approved dog walking methodology a chain reaction is likely to take place. The walker often finds himself flat on his face, horizontal with the pavement, compliments of his over-eager mutt. Of course, a well trained dog, accustomed to healing, will not create such a hazard but even the most well behaved animal cannot be expected to perform to perfection with all the distractions (canine and otherwise) common to the town limits.
“We need leash laws in Crested Butte or we’d have dogs running around everywhere,” said one councilperson. “The restrictions are necessary for the safety and well being of the animal as well as for the general populace. However when butted up against icy sidewalks and dangerous streets we must reconsider the legislation.”
In a rare departure from existing policy another councilman warned that a slick walk at the receiving end of aggressive canine thrust could easily result in injury, and possible lawsuits.
“If we just rescind the law during periods when the streets are bullet-proof we might save everyone a lot of hassle,” he said. “We could operate along the lines of the parking laws with certain areas off limits on certain days. We could put up signs all over telling people when and where they could safely walk their dogs.”
Taking no action of the matter and leaving decisions in the hands of the people was not an option, according to the first council member who insisted that maintaining the current status would not solve the problem and that allowing people to police themselves was ridiculous.
“That’s like a Washington lobbyist volunteering for military duty in Iraq,” she said. “It may look good on paper but it will never happen. If we just suspend leash laws until mud season we should avoid disaster. When the real thaw arrives we might even implement higher fines for dogs at large and recoup our losses by June.”
After an hour of proposals it appeared that the law makers would suspend the leash laws for a trial period.
“Either we terminate the law altogether or groom Elk Avenue,” laughed one rogue councilman sitting in the back of the room. “What about protecting drunks and persons too busy talking into their cell phones to pay attention to the conditions? What about flatlanders unaccustomed to negotiating ice? They are people too!”
He then angrily departed the chambers, slamming his laptop, hurling his Sorrels and designer Italian sunglasses into the hallway for dramatic affect.
In other developments the remaining council members voted to deny further liquor licenses to canine groups (the first such action taken toward any applicant in over 30 years) and to ban heated dog houses due to cited high energy use in the often inefficient dwellings. Critics of the action say the council is merely punishing outside dogs for any part they might have in the crisis.
– Fred Zeppelin
24-hour dispensaries grace Crested Butte
Sparkling 24-hour dispensories like this one are cropping up all over Gunnison County. This one, just off Elk Avenue in Crested Butte features an assortment of cerebral treats, real and imagined. Sorry but some blackout days still remain until technicians figure out last minute glitches.
Plastic Refuge Shot into Space
(Ridgway) Engineers at the Ridgway Landfill (www.ridgwaydump.org) have begun the initial phases of projecting unwanted plastics into outer space. The experimental procedure is aimed at ridding the facility of items that will never rot on their own.
Early this morning 25 tons of water bottles, baby diapers, cell phones and household appliances were rocketed in the direction of Venus. If this virgin voyage is successful in penetrating the outer atmosphere other launches will follow.
“The last thing we want is for the town’s “dirty laundry” to be orbiting the planet for eternity,” said Dupris DeBris, formerly of the fashionable Crested Butte DeBrises, who is recognized as the brains behind the entire operation. “If we can simply project our garbage into another planet’s sphere it will then become their problem, he gestured menacingly. “It could work well or, if our calculations are just slightly off, our capsule could hit Silverton (like when Russian rockets hit the former Oasis Tavern in Gunnison) or run smack into the Moon. Then we’d have one hell of a mess.”
At the time of this report the rogue plastic was still on its way up.
Pilot programs such as this one have been attempted by amateur rocket scientists since Cape Kennedy was seized from the Seminoles, but none have had the manpower and moral support of an entire community. Contribution buckets have been stuffed full and most local airports have agreed to suspend morning flights so as not to interfere with the tedious voyages.
“More and more we have a population that is not engaged in daily toil,” said DeBris. “We welcome any help in the hands-on arena. Manpower is imperative since it takes about half a day to build one of our projectiles. We need people on the ground and, in the near future, people willing to ride shotgun,” said DeBris. “Even newcomers are welcome. It will give them something to do besides drinking and running for town council.”
Persons wishing to observe the flights should assemble at the Ridgway Drug Dealer building before dawn each week day to catch a shuttle up to the landfill where a continental breakfast, featuring Grape Tang will be served. Residents are reminded that no dumping will be allowed during the blast0ff launches, so please leave your dogs at home.
– Signelle de Bushe
