All Entries in the "Soft News" Category
Size not important most women say
(Chalmette, LA) The size of a pair of shoes is not always the first consideration prior to a purchase according to a majority of women polled this week. Seventy-five percent of female shoppers surveyed here say other variables, such as style, color and price are far more important than fit.
“Of course one must realize that this response was preceded by “drawn/slightly tight” to “loose/unconstricted” in in no way implies that women would go around in shoes that cut off circulation or kept falling off.
“Today’s woman is looking to make a fashion statement from head to toe,” said Margot Rotweiller, president of Feets Don’t Fail Me Now, a New England Cordwainer and Cobbler outfit that turned its first leather shoe in 1703. “If the style is right she can grow into it. If the price is right she can make do.”
Closets are often piled high with shoes that fit perfectly well but “just don’t work” according to those responding to the questionnaire, circulated throughout the Marie LaVeau’s Irish Channel Shopping Mall this weekend. The well-dressed woman prefers a little initial discomfort over color clashes and last year’s drab or outmoded version.
On the male side of the coin, secondary data, collected subliminally at free sausage and cheese pavilions, suggest that most men don’t give a hoot what they look like just so long as they are comfortable. The mantra for the average male, at least in Louisiana is: If it’s got shoe laces – go with it. – Manual Flushe
Raider posers on Halloween
They look so clean cut – not what one might expect from “Pro Wrestling Wannabee?” Las Vegas Raider supporters who don work-a-day costumes for the Day of the Dead. Nature’s balance (and quantum sense of humor) has help land the Raider franchise in Nevada.
AMA Recommends Porch Sitting
(Warshington) In a total reversal from previous directives, the American Medical Association now heartily recommends that people engage in porch sitting for a minimum of three hours per day. The group further discounted notions that exercise is the real priority and even implied that too much movement could be harmful to the general health.
“It doesn’t matter if people lounge around on the porch in the morning or get their three hours in after dinner,” said Dr Simon Lackluster of St Roscoe’s Clinic over in Virginia. “People who are in good shape should welcome the relaxation while our nation’s fat folk could implement a combination routine of healthy eating and exercise before embracing quiet time on the porch.”
The AMA has recently released a slick pamphlet called “Safe and Effective Porch Sitting” which is available at progressive pharmacies throughout the country. It clearly outlines methods of porch enjoyment listing accessories, furniture and even attire to assure correct application of loafing, or porching, as enthusiasts call the inaction.
“Some of the great Southern writers, such a William Faulkner and Tennessee Williams set an entire novel on the porch,” continued Lackluster. “One could see everything from the porch, which often lead to family conflicts and exposed deep emotional scars there on so many rocking chairs and swings.”
Porch sitting crosses socio-economic lines and, in most cases does not create problems so far as race, religion or gender preference, depending who shares the porch.
One often asked question regarding these restful concepts is “What if I don’t got no porch?”
The answer, according to medical journals is simple: “Get one.”
– Ripple Van Winkle
NOW YOU CAN JERK YOUR DEPARTED LOVED ONES
The consecrated funeral industry has been driven to its knees today with the announcement that the bereaved can now jerky their dearly departed.
The somewhat drastic, yet prudent, escape from tradition and common procedure has been approved by the USFDA, the International Brotherhood of Meatpackers and the Latin American Council on Land Use among others. Even NASA has nodded a vague approval while the Rocky Mountain Association of Cattlemen has enthusiastically supporting the new technology.
It is a safe and cheaper alternative to burials or even cremations.
Jerkosuction—Innovative yet Controversial
The process has been condemned as communist and unpatriotic by the funeral industry name here and Congressmen on their payroll.
“Jesus wants you to bury your dead relatives,” said one funeral director who works nights as a preacher in a Bethesda strip mall. “There’s nothing in the Bible about jerking anything.”
In a backward society that has only recently accepted cremation as a viable alternative to burial, the concept of jerky in this context is alarming to many. The thought of a final farewell sans limos, flowers and caskets is often unsettling but the families of the departed generally accept a logical consensus when they compare the cost and the ritual, the morose and the flamboyant, the the church bell payola.
“Most death arrangements in Western society are barbaric in that they fail to celebrate the life of the departed one,” said Dr. Stillton Winkewoode of Director of Swimming Orgasms at Cal Amari Institute. Winkewoode, author of the best-selling paperback “The Jerky Method”, is recognized as the father alternative meat curing and creative preservation. The Winkewoode method is employed in all 50 states and, at the time of this writing, in Grand Junction.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
Ouray Making Fortune on Tourist Soup
(Dexter Creek) Progressive marketing icons in this landlocked county seat have developed a recipe for Pahgre Tourist Soup, which is reportedly brewed daily in the town’s municipal swimming pool.
Every spring town workers clandestinely prepare the pool (or potbelly as they call it) for the arrival of the “soup meat”, or tourists, starting in June. The thermal waters must be monitored hourly to insure a proper heat is maintained. The vegetables must be smuggled in and distributed in the now murky broth then the spices and herbs must be added in just the right measure so as not to distract from or dominate the final taste and aroma.
Then the soup is trucked over Red Mountain Pass to be sold to brokers in Durango for distribution, mostly to unsuspecting Third Whirled Countries and Grand Junction.
Our cookie-cutter little tourist economy is nothing more than a front for this more lucrative operation,” said Jimmy Scoggins who has gone so far as to serve the soup in his lavish Ridgway hardware emporium.
“In rare instances a complete tourist ends up in the final concoction but we go to great pain to avoid this due to strict county ordinances on cannibalism, which he called reactionary.
The soup itself, canned under the jurisdiction of Alf Bisque, comes in a wide variety of flavors including Okie, Texan and Kansas Chowder. Gourmet versions are available using Californians and Front Rangers.
Authorities became suspicious last season after a Utah man reported several masked men dumping industrial loads of vegetables into the deep end after dark. He claimed that carrots, potatoes and onions were boiled live in the curdling waters in direct violation of another county ordinance. He shared his concerns with police and has not been heard from since.
“The soup cartels are making too much money for some nosy flatlander to ruin everything,” said a former executive now mouthpiece for the Vegetarian Curmudgeons, a militant garden club. “Just wait until the little ice climbers show up this winter. We’ve got to keep up with supply and demand and there are a lot of people out there who want more of Ouray than an RV slip and a personalized license plate.”
The entire episode appears earmarked as just another version of the same old story: “Cooking with a hundred is always more difficult than cooking with a few” Bon Apetite!
caption:
Trusting tourists from all over the world frolic in the Ouray Hot Springs Pool, unaware they are up to their necks “in the soup”. A widening investigation has linked almost every able-bodied citizen in the mountain burg with what police are now calling a conspiracy to produce and export tourist soup. No arrests have been made at depress time.
