All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

Heartfelt Thanks to Readers

(St. Roscoe’s Memorial Hospital – Colona, Colorado — May 25, 2015)
The entire staff of the san Juan Horseshoe would like to extend its sincere gratitude for gifts and pledges received on behalf of our departed brother Edwin Toole.
June marks 19 years since Toole took an unexpected and unrehearsed dive off a common bar stool resulting in fatal injuries.
Although initially the diagnosis was limited to a dislocated liver, a severely squelched tailbone, two broken antennae, a split lip, and a broken eyebrow which did nothing but irritate his chronic, and much publicized, Gregorian gout.
Toole’s condition worsened after being admitted into St. Roscoe’s Hospital, rumored to be the best in the region.
Scandal mongers in the shabby neighborhood say the deceased injured his fibula or maybe his femora climbing out of his hospital window to place bets at Pavlov’s Dog Track, located not a block away. Please send all further donations directly to the track since Toole could not afford bedside mail delivery.

US Destroyer Attacked by Nicaraguan Tuna Boat

(Blue Mesa Reservoir News Service – May 10, 2015)

The USS Cuckold, a semi-retired battleship, was reportedly fired on this morning by at least two well-armed tuna craft flying the Sandinista flag. The vicious attack on a member of the U.S. Caribbean fleet was unprovoked according to sources in Miami.
“When one country invades another as many times as the U.S. has invaded Nicaragua the concept of unprovoked must be examined,” said one sea captain from Leon. “Sometimes these things get lost in translation.”
The Cuckold, carrying a maximum cargo of 1964 Tonkin Henways, suffered minor damage to the galley and some temporary loss of power and prestige in the world community.
The confrontation occurred in the Bay of Swine some 20 miles off the east coast of the Corn Islands. Hawks in the House and Senate are calling for an economic embargo of the second poorest country in the Western Hemisphere.
“That’ll teach ‘em,” said one enlightened Republican.

U.S. Marines Land in Nicaragua Again

(Bathtub Buddies News – May 15, 2015)

Two divisions of U.S. Marines waded ashore near Lake Managua much to the delight of Nicaraguan college girls and beer vendors who came out en masse to greet them. Unsolicited sources in Central America vehemently denied that the ladies are Haitian prostitutes on the payroll of the Koch brothers who hope to construct several new canals through its fragile, primitive terrain.
“We must beat the Chinese at their own game,” said a Koch mouthpiece.
The troops faced no resistance since most Nicaraguans were already late for work and it was beginning to rain. Several restaurants began selling black bean soup and a band began to play as the soldiers settled in for the night.
President Obama later told The Horseshoe that the entire deployment was an attempt to protect American interests in response to the tuna boat attack on the USS Cuckold back on May 10.
Leading the troops ashore were the hugely popular Nicaraguan comedy duo, Anastasia and Merryweather “Tachito” Somoza along with seahorse cavalry trained and supplied by the United Fruit Company over in Honduras.
Vice President Joe Biden, the ranking official in this fiasco, was forced from the field after consuming four bowls of black bean soup at a Cuban cafe. He is expected to run for office here or in the U.S. when the time is right. – Che “Pino” Che

Leave the Mafia Alone

(Special from The Roman Nose News Service – April 25, 2015
We are so sick and tired of watching and listening while everyone bad-mouths the Mafia. If it isn’t the feds it’s the Vatican. If it isn’t the Vatican it’s the other syndicates. Who do these people think they are fooling here? They are only jealous. With the blanket criticism they show their cards too early. They haven’t got the guts to directly criticize to the Cosa Nostra Face, the Black Hand or any other part of that anatomy.
The Mafia is a self-governing interest that always pays its bill and always collects its debts. For crying out loud that’s better than the majority of Americans and their governments too.
How many Mafia types do you see in Welfare lines? How many are on relief? None because they help their own! Maybe the feds could take a lesson (fiscal since they already employ similar tactics).
Without this wide-ranging organization who would maintain the vending machines and pool tables? Who would have invented cement overshoes? Who would decide who would sleep with the fish?
Sure they’re making immoral profits on drugs, extortion and prostitution but c’mon…someone else would do it if they stopped. Think of roses in the lapel. Think of violin cases. Think of black limos with dons and bodyguards. Ain’t it part of Americana?
Next time someone knocks the Mafia, take another look and maybe give that old time organization a fair shake or at least the benefit of the doubt.
-Melvin “Joey” Toolini

Placerville Resident Wins Slugman Prize

First printed in Slow Newsday – Norwood, CO — April 25, 2015)

A ninety-five-year-old sheepherder, Melvin Toole, is the recipient of the coveted Slugman Award for 2014. The annual trophy and cash honor is bestowed on the person who most exhibits the positive attributes and measured metabolism of the slug (slugosis lethargopolis).
This national decoration first appeared following World War II as a working citizen citation and crept into prominence within a range of terrestrial gastropod mollusks of the genus Limex and related genera, s one might well imagine.
The most recent winner edged out all of the competition, challenging a standing world record for idleness – 15 hours and 39 minutes without so much as a wiggle or a twitch. Participants in this particular match were disqualified for falling to sleep or if they react in any way to the barrage of outside (often insulting) stimuli flung by a taunting ski crowd from behind the yellow police barriers.
Toole had no comment at the conclusion of the proceedings. His hobbies include breathing, staring at traffic and watching television.

Wal-Mart Bosses Hit by Lightening

(Gunnison) Several high-level officials with the Wal-Mart Corporation were reportedly struck by lightening Tuesday as they stood in a pasture north of here — the site of a proposed Super Wal-Mart. None where wearing seat belts. Sadly, the victims, all from corporate headquarters in Arkansas, were cheated and released at St Roscoe’s Hospital and are now back on the clock.
According to local weather experts this kind of strike is rare in that the rogue electric storm scored a direct hit and yet there were no fatalities. Most residents surveyed agreed that there was no thunder storm activity on the day in question and that the sun was out for the entire afternoon.
“If there was activity it would have been quite visible from here on the ground,” said one meteorologist visiting from a local Bland Junction TV station. “Hell, I’m always looking out for new angles from which to report the weather and I saw nothing but sun that day.”
Some sky watchers here feel the strike may have been the result of supernatural or even divine intercession in the wake of a class-action discrimination suit filed by female employees and ex-employees last week. Despite the pains of fellow citizens consumers spent millions there last week.
Only yesterday the giant retailer agreed to pledge more than $250 toward the construction of a American Heritage Theme Park on North Main Street if allowed to build a Super Wal-Mart here. The park would depict life before corporate control.
“If there is a God in the sky he probably doesn’t shop at Wal-Mart,” said one opponent of the expansion. “Does this mean that Wal-Mart shoppers will be punished later on for their indiscretions?”
This is the third separate report of natural disasters involving top brass at the discount hookshop. Residents and visitors alike are asked to avoid the current Wal-Mart store (or better yet conduct a personal boycott of same) until these matters can be sorted out. A complete investigation is expected by the weekend.

Mr. Obituary Dead at 90

Signelle de Bushe, formerly of metro Olathe, died at Riverbottom Rest Ranch December 9 after a long illness. Known as Mr. Obituary to colleagues and fans Bushe is credited with writing over 200,000 of the somewhat morbid releases.
He is survived by his wife, Watta of Pea Green, and children Rose and Betty “Boop” Bushe, of Meeker and Craig respectively.
Most reporters only cut their teeth on obituaries before moving on to more stimulating town council meetings or dog-at-large prose. Bushe stayed the corpse at the obituary desk for his entire journalistic career spanning almost 60 years.
When he finally retired from Snitch-Flowered in 2011 he was given the keys to a black hearse instead of the traditional gold watch.
De Bushe, totally void of a sense of humor, was an outspoken critic of The San Juan Horseshoe, often saying its stories were garbage and its editors were drunkards. In 2009 he vehemently demanded that his name never appear in the tabloid. He also asked that no man write his obituary. It is with this last request in mind that this newspaper chronicles his passing and honors his memory.

Obituary Roundup

If you eat food from the restaurants represented herein it is likely
that you will die early. Please go as quickly and quietly
as possible so as not to cause others to take care of you.

Ronald McDonald 55, choked to death on an unprocessed piece of meat filler which had been fumigated with an unidentified cleanser of unknown origin (standard procedure). Bystanders, who froze rather than come to the aid of the hated clown, say it was a particularly gruesome death. He is survived by his off-spring, Heartburn and Diabetes.

Burger Thing, 60, trampled by a herd of South American steers on the hoof after a difficult bout with alcohol. Throne sold to pay for bus ride to Canada. Cremation coming with fries.

Wendy 21, fell to her death after sliding on a greasy kitchen floor, left unattended by an employee who cannot survive on the wages paid by this whore. Please send genetically modified hamburger buns in lieu of flowers.

Colonel Sanders, deceased or thought to be dead many years ago. If he’s dead, he’s dead. Otherwise he does not qualify for this honored roster. Good Lord…where do you suppose these white-suited fry-boys get their chicken?

Taco Belle, 56, died when she caught her hand in the razor-mined cash register and being cold-blooded, took over an hour to expire. You don’t see a lot of Mexicans eating this slop. Does that tell you anything?

Mega fast-food establishments like the above have deprived several generations of experiencing greasy spoons, corner cafes and family restaurants that add to Americana. We lose a little more of our identity and our distinction every time someone steps up to the corporate counter. RIP.