Mr. Obituary Dead at 90

Signelle de Bushe, formerly of metro Olathe, died at Riverbottom Rest Ranch December 9 after a long illness. Known as Mr. Obituary to colleagues and fans Bushe is credited with writing over 200,000 of the somewhat morbid releases.
He is survived by his wife, Watta of Pea Green, and children Rose and Betty “Boop” Bushe, of Meeker and Craig respectively.
Most reporters only cut their teeth on obituaries before moving on to more stimulating town council meetings or dog-at-large prose. Bushe stayed the corpse at the obituary desk for his entire journalistic career spanning almost 60 years.
When he finally retired from Snitch-Flowered in 2011 he was given the keys to a black hearse instead of the traditional gold watch.
De Bushe, totally void of a sense of humor, was an outspoken critic of The San Juan Horseshoe, often saying its stories were garbage and its editors were drunkards. In 2009 he vehemently demanded that his name never appear in the tabloid. He also asked that no man write his obituary. It is with this last request in mind that this newspaper chronicles his passing and honors his memory.

Obituary Roundup

If you eat food from the restaurants represented herein it is likely
that you will die early. Please go as quickly and quietly
as possible so as not to cause others to take care of you.

Ronald McDonald 55, choked to death on an unprocessed piece of meat filler which had been fumigated with an unidentified cleanser of unknown origin (standard procedure). Bystanders, who froze rather than come to the aid of the hated clown, say it was a particularly gruesome death. He is survived by his off-spring, Heartburn and Diabetes.

Burger Thing, 60, trampled by a herd of South American steers on the hoof after a difficult bout with alcohol. Throne sold to pay for bus ride to Canada. Cremation coming with fries.

Wendy 21, fell to her death after sliding on a greasy kitchen floor, left unattended by an employee who cannot survive on the wages paid by this whore. Please send genetically modified hamburger buns in lieu of flowers.

Colonel Sanders, deceased or thought to be dead many years ago. If he’s dead, he’s dead. Otherwise he does not qualify for this honored roster. Good Lord…where do you suppose these white-suited fry-boys get their chicken?

Taco Belle, 56, died when she caught her hand in the razor-mined cash register and being cold-blooded, took over an hour to expire. You don’t see a lot of Mexicans eating this slop. Does that tell you anything?

Mega fast-food establishments like the above have deprived several generations of experiencing greasy spoons, corner cafes and family restaurants that add to Americana. We lose a little more of our identity and our distinction every time someone steps up to the corporate counter. RIP.