All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

You and yew pet

with Elmer Fudd

Hewo fwends…just a short cowumn this month on the subject of “twavel with pets”. Wemembew: 1.) Nevaw weave yew widdle pooch in yew awevee or he might twash the howe wig befowe you wetrun fwom the beauty pawlow or baw. 2.) Don’t bwing yew widdle dog above 8,000 feet. They hab twoubwe bweathing and could be wunch fow a mountain wion or beaw. 3.) Pwease don’t wet yew widdle dog poop in the pawking wot of the gas station. This weawy makes the attendant angwy.
Wemembew to always weave pwenty of food and watew fow youw pet. If you wove yew poochie he will wove you back. Well, I’ve got to wun…

NEXT TIME: HANDOWING THE MIDWIFE CWISIS

Elvis aparece en Carne Cañón Viuda

Shavano Sol y Mailer – 25 de juno, 2015

     La mayoría de las mujeres estarían encantados de tener una leyenda del rock and roll visitarlos en el baño, pero no el solitario Beverly Lupac. De hecho ella ha tenido suficiente de todo.
Ya en marzo de Beverly surgió de un profundo sueño, entró en su cuarto de baño de dos tonos, miró a su espejo de dos vías y allí estaba: Elvis Presley allí mismo, en el zoom en el círculo de maquillaje. Al principio pensó que estaba soñando pero al reingreso se lo volvió a ver, peinando su cabello.
“Al principio no hablaba, pero se limitó a sonreír en ese” tipo Elvisy del camino “, dijo. “Entonces él le pidió prestado un poco de crema para el cabello.”
Luego agradeció Lupac, le preguntó si podía cantar su canción, cantó un verso de Blue Hawaii y se fundió de nuevo en el cristal.
Sacudido, Lupac corrió a la casa de su vecino para compartir el extraño encuentro con Ira Synge-Toole, un ex cajista de este sitio web cuando se trataba de un periódico. Si bien en un primer momento Toole burlado de la alcahuetería absurda de una estrella del pop que pertenece a la presencia de la porcelana que rápidamente dio la vuelta cuando el canto se reanuda desde el baño de Lupac.
Las dos mujeres, armados con una lata de maza anticuado y un 34 pulgadas Louisville Slugger, volvió a entrar en la casa Lupac. Se abrieron paso al baño toda llamó “Elvis! Elvis! Salga. Volver. ”
No paso nada. Después de una media hora Toole se desencantó con toda la operación y, diciendo The Days of Our Lives fue a punto de comenzar, se fue.
Lupac luego viajó a su amplia cocina, bien iluminado para preparar pelusa y tarta de riñón cuando una voz canturreó los tontos se enamoran. Se dio la vuelta media despertó para ver una de tamaño natural Elvis de pie delante de ella en traje de discoteca. Éste era un Elvis hablando. Él le preguntó sobre su vida en Carne Cañón pero no podía pensar en ninguna respuestas interesantes. La conversación arrastró. Allí estaba ella con el rey y ella era la lengua trabada. Ella le podía decir acerca de su cosecha de melocotón o el día que el perro fue noqueado fuera de la granja

Para más información por favor dirigirse a
No es más que un perro de maíz

Spam Truck Rolled

(Chattanooga Chronicle — Red Mountain Pass — February 25, 2015)
A dual-henway, oversize semi carrying a capacity load of Spam to hungry valley dwellers overturned south of Ruby Wall this afternoon it was disclosed. The driver of the truck was unhurt and there were no other vehicles involved.
“I never seen a road so mean as this one,” said a shaken Muriel Armbruster, from a bar stool in the belly of this burgh. I was almost to Ouray when the road ate me up.”
No charges were filed. Armbruster plans to retire from trucking in August.
“After this I figure on driving in nice flat, boring landscapes,” she said. “I might even move to Kansas. I hear they don’t have a lot of curves and rarely a drop-off there.
Company officials at Colorado’s largest Spam processing plant warned residents to stay clear of the accident site. The company has posted armed snipers above the wreckage and guards on the highway to prevent looting.
Police expect the whole mess to be cleaned up by September.
Residents in Montrose and Delta should expect Spam prices to go up for the summer holiday weekends. Synthetic spam will be airdropped to the most severely deprived locales by Father’s Day. – Dinty Moore

“It took me twenty years of studied self-restraint , aided by the natural decay of my faculties, to make myself dull enough to be accepted as a serious person by the British public.” – George Bernard Shaw

More “TOOLE ESCAPES”

(Continued from The Gamey Bird — June 10, 2015

and fell through the heavy brush. Toole was then deloused, debunked and debriefed and flown directly to Airububi, in the remote western sector of the sniveling little republic. Sadly a malfunction on the flight deck mini-bar caused the helicopter to whirl and spin before plummeting to the earth, delivering the hapless Toole to blood-thirsty cannibals in the jungle below. It was at this time that a fellow officer, this one a Brit, introduced Toole to the ravishing Princess Irm Peawit, “Mistress of the Nile” and heir to the Oscar Meyer meat fortune . Peawit had run off to Africa after the Cubs lost the play-offs in 1985 and fell into slavery in July of the following year. Peawit and Toole immediately began planning their escape by river or sky.
Upon his arrival in Airububi Toole had noticed a system of microwave towers strategically placed at nondescript intervals throughout the country. If Toole and his exotic accomplice could reach the first tower undetected they had a chance. Then he could deliver the unsuspecting princess to her parents in Lake Forest and collect the handsome reward of 300,000 pounds of prime bacon. The entire plan was contingent on
(Continued Page 80)

Dinosaurs Bored to Death?

(Rangely) Scientists working in remote, rugged stretches of Northwest Colorado have stumbled across somewhat disturbing data intimating that the giant lizards may not have met their demise due to a great flood, climate change or a break in the food chain, as had been previously surmised.
The extinct titans are believed to have suffered their last indignity in the high valleys of the Rockies and in particular near what were then the thriving caveperson centers of Sunbeam and Maybell.
“We found fossils and prehistoric relics all over the ground here,” Said Professor Rex Tyrone of the University of Downtown Delta. “Many of these preserved treasures suggest nail biting, endless migrations, petty squabbles and depression. All of these symptoms are linked to chronic boredom and we have just scratched the Paleolithic surface.”
Tyrone, himself a dinosaur in the halls of higher education, told the Horseshoe that these same behavior patterns have emerged within the humans species since the invention of the internet.
“The tedious yet humdrum existence may well have caused the dinosaurs to make a hasty exit, self-destructing as early as 9000 BC give or take a few millenniums,” he explained. “The end of these reptiles can be directly related to the “too much time on his hands” postulate that we observe in RV enthusiasts, daytime TV viewers and people who hoard money.”
The researcher went on to suggest that many dinosaurs lost their way during liar’s poker games that were quite popular throughout the Epicurean Era.
Other scientists considering this biological and behavioral phenomenon disagree vehemently with Tyrone’s hypothesis calling it childish speculation. One added that Tyrone “couldn’t tell the difference between a Brontosaurus and a Bratwurst.”
In his signature cool response, Tyrone suggested that his boredom theory has both metaphysical and geographic merit.
“These charlatans should spend a Saturday night in Rangely so as to grasp the concept of dullness, monotony and ennui,” spouted Tyrone. “Just one Saturday night is all I ask and they will see that my findings take on a meaningful clarity. In a nutshell: It ain’t no Delta.” – Gabby Haze

Fisherman Survives on Garlic Marshmallows, Warm Coors

(Blue Mesa Lake — Sagebrush Survival Review — May 25, 2015)
When a wet and shaken Ed Pinke emerged from Chicken Bay and onto Highway 50 he was a changed man. Lost in the backwaters, drifts and rapids
common to this untamed reservoir, est. 1965, he had nothing to eat for three hours except those little yellow garlic marshmallows that are used as bait in civilized fishing circles.
Pinke wandered away from his companions at about 10 am with very little in the way of provisions, no eye protection, no safety shoes or weaponry. All he had said was “I’m going to try my luck downstream.”
All he carried was a dented tackle box, containing bait and a can of Coors.
His return brought a rousing cheer from his fishing buddies who had just returned from Gunnison with more beer.
Doctors pronounced Pinke to be in excellent shape, considering his ordeal. They vowed to further explore the relationship between garlic cubes that attract fish and hospital room service delicacies currently on the menu back at St Roscoe’s.
Pinke was cheated and released earlier this evening. He was sighted at around 8:30 digging nightcrawlers near his house.