All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

Princess Maude-Tulip Taps Local Vets in Puppy Caper

(London) The Crowned Princess of Britain, Duchess of Barnswinkle and Weeds, Tiller of the Enlightenment and Protector of Chutney has chosen Dr. Laura Ramos and Doctor Joseph Alaimo to assist with the delivery of a litter of Royal Yorkies.
A spokesperson for Maude-Tulip told The Horseshoe that the fur physicians were picked due to unquestionable integrity and sustained knowledge.
The conscripted veterinarians will depart for London tomorrow so as to be on the scene for the simple medical procedure expected to take place this week in a Buckingham Palace basement or kennels. While in London the two will stay at the Thames River Observatory, a pet-friendly lodge preferred by nobility and wealthy commoner alike.
“There is no reason to expect problems in the birthing,” said a Tulip aide. “Madame just wants to be sure that experts are in waiting at the time of the big moment.”
Maude-Tulip and her husband Bob have failed to produce an heir to combined properties, wealth and titles but have succeeded in providing royals with lots of puppies since occupying their respective thrones in 1968.
Due to highly sensitive diplomatic nature of the request the action has been deemed compulsory by the yet-to-be-hacked State Department. Seen as a humanitarian gesture by the press, the visit is the first by “animal doctors from the former colonies” to England. After the delivery the two veterinarians will be given a Royal Red Carpet Celebrity Tour of Piccadilly Circus, and the Tower of London during the stay.
On the last evening of the sojourn Ramos and Alaimo will dine with Ringo Starr at his flat in Belgravia.

Too Many Sex Change Operations Can Lead to Trouble

(Montrose, CO  —  Special to the San Juan Horseshoe)

Doctors at Consolidated Macedonian Hospital in Pea Green have issued a joint warning in response to a growing number of snafus connected to delicate sex change operations performed here.
And on the other side of the knife, the relatively new procedure has been a victim of chronic indecisiveness on the part of prospective patients who cannot make a simple decision. He or she?

Teenie Turner: “I don’t remember when it all started but I know how it ends.”

“Common side effects resulting from too many gender assimilation operations have us all quite concerned,” said Dr. Milty Sponge. “We’ve seen basic gene disorders all the way up to male and female hormone spills. Facial hair on women and overdeveloped mammary glands on men is just scratching the surface.”
Now the gov’ment is getting involved. The IRS and the Selective Service have expressed concern that the agencies might be losing track of citizens who are no longer the same sex as they were last year, or last month. Both are petitioning Congress to pass legislation aimed at charting these patients before and after surgery. Right wing legislators promised to come down hard on abusers then went to lunch while The Left scurried around to form committees to discuss the issue and send some money to somebody to take care of it.

Jane Devere after 15 sex change operations remains in limbo

The flow of American dollars to foreign hospitals has prompted a reevaluation of the issue with many health concerns dropping prices and offering package deals on amenities such pizza delivery, bingo nights and private rooms.
A no frills sex change operation costs an average of $150,000 out the door according to Sponge.
“That’s the basics, the minimum,” he said. “If any problems surface it’s ala Carte.”
A burgeoning number of lawsuits have been filed alleging malpractice and incompetence causing most surgeons to shy away from the operation. Citing moral conflict, most doctors are in reality reacting to legal ramifications and probable fiscal loss in the event that a case reaches court.
Meanwhile economists are sifting through mounds of data to ensure that men are still paid more than women for doing the same job.
“If Jack becomes Jill, she shouldn’t expect to demand the same pay as Jack, now should she?” asked Sponge. “Without federal subsidies these poor, confused souls will rob and steal to pay for their obsessions. Imagine being mugged by a man in pantyhose or woman with a pencil-thin mustache.

Lecciones Tempranas Natación No Ayuda Con Orinarse en la cama decir Docs

(Ridgway, CO – Río Amarillo de Prensa – 10 de augusto 2015)
Matriculan niños pequeños en programas de natación harán poco o nada para aliviar los síntomas de enuresis dicen los médicos de la Clínica Mao aquí. Aunque las asociaciones son claras y los vínculos son evidentes, sumergiendo los niños pequeños en el agua en la mañana no les ayudará a hacerlo a través de la noche.
Mantenerse seco en la cama y mojarse en la piscina no tienen conexión. A menudo los niños se orinan en la cama debido a traumas menores que aumentan con la culpa y el miedo a la repetición. La mayoría crecer fuera de la conducta y no debe ser presionado.
“Nuestros hijos resultan ser grandes nadadores”, dijo el entrenador Eddie Edwards, de los Marlins de Montrose. “Nunca hemos considerado ninguna otra terapia que puede estar pasando en la piscina. Mojar la cama nunca ha sido un problema, incluso con los nadadores más jóvenes. Además, ¿cómo sabemos si la condición estaba presente? Todo el mundo está empapado aquí “.
El origen de este tipo de pensamiento nunca ha sido clara. Pediatras permanecen custodiados sobre cualquier positivos que puedan surgir debido a la socialización y dormir estructura, o incluso los efectos de agua fría sobre el cuerpo humano en desarrollo.
“Las soluciones coincidentes son válidas”, dijo un investigador médico. “Pero no podemos confiar en ellos. La regla de oro aquí es la prevención. La ingesta de agua antes de acostarse y monitoreo puede ayudar. Mantener al paciente en un lugar fresco y seco. Aplicar la modificación del comportamiento. Las clases de natación, como lecciones de vuelo, clases de salsa o clases de cocina hará poco para reducir enuresis.
– Tommy Middlefinger

People Age, Exhibit Common Traits

(Science of Science – Montrose, Colorado – January 10, 2015)

     Most people are growing older according to a study recently conducted by a national internment service. The results, though hardly surprising, represent the first cross-section data collected on the subject.
That everyone gets the same going away party in the end is an often unmentioned quagmire that doles out equality without prejudice toward race, color, creed or sexual origin/preference.
“We found that in every case the participants were getting older on an annual basis,” shared one pollster. “Some continue to lie about their age as if that might somehow defer their cosmic curtain call.”
Indications are that young people spend a great deal of time trying to look older while older people almost spend the same amount of time trying to look younger. Researchers likened the behavior to that of Asian women covering their faces in the sun while snow white Europeans don coconut oil on chase lounges trying to bring a little color back to Paris.
One man, who said he had forgotten his name, told The Horseshoe, “I’m 87 years old and I don’t worry about this kind of thing. Death is the one thing we don’t have to keep track of. It will come find you when the time
Arrives.” – Ripple Van Winkle

“Frankly I’m a little bit pissed off at the masses.” – Karl Marx

Prostitutes Must Declare Gratuity

The Internal Revenue Service has put its foot down in the red light district. As of January, prostitutes working within the confines of the United States must declare tips if they wish to remain in compliance with the law.
The changes on the part of the taxing establishment sent shock waves through the underworld just as many sex workers were getting off the night shift Tuesday morning.
Many persons engaged in the illegal profession were visibly upset over the decision saying the IRS had once again overstepped itself, this time in a pair of racy stilettos. Calling the move an invasion of privacy many hookers say the government should look inward for lucrative sources of earnings.
“Why doesn’t the IRS clamp down on Congress and Wall Street where the big, fat whores reside,” asked a streetwalker who says she has not filed a tax return since 1995 when she quit her job as a social worker.
“These people should be made to declare bribes and gifts from lobbyists,” she said. “They all talk out of two or three sides of their mouths. Many of the pseudo-Christians are our best customers.”
The IRS has not wavered on this new fundraising scheme saying it is for the common good. Most civilized countries in the world allow prostitution within certain parameters and treat the social ill as a disease and not a felony. The victims are plentiful and the oldest profession is thriving.
“We just want to protect all of our citizens in this Puritan, 3.2 society that we have created here. After all, negotiating with money under the table can result in a terrible headache.” – Estelle Marmotbreath

Ladies of the Evening Protest “IRS Intrusion” on Livlihood

Ladies not happy about IRS ruling