All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
COWPUNCHER’S HOLIDAY
Cowboys like these will soon join the official gov’ment Endangered Species List replacing politicians who are in no way endangered but should be especially during an election year.
Motorists Warned of Underwear Check Stations
(Moab, UT The Clashing Fashions Review – September 10, 2015)
As hard to believe as it might be, especially considering more pressing matters, the state of Utah has installed secret safety roadside checkpoints to assure that all motorists and passengers are wearing skivvies when they arrive in the Beehive State.
Won’t this be fun.
The roadblocks are camouflaged as anything from a nuclear plant to a lemonade stand and have been propped up by security forces and the National Guard. They can be found at logistical redoubts from Vernal to St. George and at all major border crossings. The posts often operate during morning hours at one locale then move to another spot for the evening rush hour.
Although residents of Utah are not expected to be examined with the fine toothcomb that awaits tourists and visitors, they too must adhere to strict regulations with regards to underwear.
“We don’t care if these moral midgets wear roller skates and lampshades over their heads as long as they are wearing underpants while they are here,” said an unreliable source at the county level.
Persons caught without the proper interior gear will be fined and could be incarcerated for aggravated cases.
“Generally anyone who is taken into custody can arrange for underwear to be sent to the jail, say they are sorry, pay a small fine and go on their way,” added the source. “We aren’t looking to create an international incident here. We just want to keep Utah hygienic and good by enforcing the morals and ethics of this righteous land.”
Anyone heading west into Utah is urged to stop and purchase a contraband map/timetable that outlines this colossal undertaking. Available at the Colorado Department of Tourism, these handy guides are a must for treks into the unknown. Travelers coming east from Utah are eligible for free coffee and counseling at the many refugee camps that dot the Colorado River Basin.
Take heed. These people are serious. Many of our kinsmen have crossed over never to be heard from again!
“I may not know what I like but I know a lot about art.”
– Rahsaan Larry Kleenex
Arms Dealers Feel Peace Crunch
(Geneva-on-the-Lake, Ohio – September 10, 2015)
Heads of the ten largest munitions companies on earth concluded annual summer meetings here on a sour note today. Saying that the demand for weapons has diminished of late, due in part to peace initiatives and domestic aid, the weapons dealers unanimously agreed to persevere.
“Despite the threats to our pocketbook we will continue to press for wars and global military turbulence,” stated a release at the conclusion of the summit. “All this talk of peace is fine but it could translate into the loss if millions of jobs.”
Corporate bosses and their lackeys in the gov’ment have succeeded exporting most manufacturing jobs to emerging nations, leaving the munitions business as one of the only viable industry left in this country.
“Sure, we’re feeling the crunch, said one arms lobbyist, but we’re staying optimistic. We have great faith in man’s inhumanity to man and the natural selection regarding population control.”
The source refused comment when asked if condemnations of gun manufacturers by outspoken pontiff, Pope Francis, had made any impact on industry thinking.
Saying only that the embrace of the dove and the olive branch will lead to bigger problems in the workplace, the lobbyist pointed to leading indicators in Africa and the Middle East defining future warfare.
“Take Angola for example,” he said “We could always count on warlords to purchase four or five tanks and a platoon’s worth of hand-held missiles every six months or so. Now we’re lucky if they order a few assault rifles.”
Dealers are said to be particularly annoyed at peace overtures in Afghanistan and a return to a military dictatorship in Egypt that have clamped down on military operations.
“We figured on hitting our sales goal in North Africa before Christmas but now we can’t project very much,” he continued. “Why even the Serbs and the Croats have ceased hostilities.”
In most rogue nations gov’ment leaders use monies from the sale of natural resources for the purchase of weaponry to use against rivals. Meanwhile the people, legitimate heirs to the resource funds, go hungry and hungry populations provide soldiers, lots of soldiers. It’s an evil merry-go-round that is anything but merry.
Most canon merchants remain confident or cautiously hopeful that the situation will turn around in time.
“Climate change and the radicalization of minorities worldwide has created a positive environment for more conflict everywhere,” said the lobbyist. “Even the terrorists have let us down this billing period. But we still have the Congo where a classic world war has been raging for decades. Sometimes good things come in small packages.”
– Kashmir Horseshoe
When Should Kitty Start Dating?
with Dr Efram Z. Pennywhistle Jr.
(Crazy Cat Lady Canyon — Pampered Pet Parade — December 10, 2015)
If I’ve heard it once I’ve heard it a thousand times…”Dr. Efram, at what age is it safe for my cat begin dating?” That’s a good question. The answer depends on the make-up of the individual feline.
Some cats are mature at two or three years of age. Others, most notably toms are ready out of the hamper but cannot be counted upon to take responsibility for social consequences. A well-adapted cat can be ready to date earlier although with reservations. One unsupervised cat produced 15 litters before she even got her driver’s license. Sure, she was a slut but she had a lot of dates, hey?
In general, if the family cat was brought up properly and can distinguish between good and evil she should be able to be trusted on an early date with a respectable Tom (good luck) at adolescence. Don’t push Kitty into the social scene. Know where the two are headed, monitor behavior on the outing and have the male cat checked out by the local veterinarian.
When my sister’s car Evelyn began dating, my brother-in-law, Sal offered to drive her and her date to the movies. That could have worked well but Sal earned his fourth DUI, lost his license, and is in jail for a few months. My sister doesn’t drive because she is afraid of moving objects and she panics in even Hooterville traffic.
Now the cats must take the bus when they date, which opens up a whole new can of catnip.
In these potential dramas, as with all of life’s little trails, it is important to keep a clear head about you. Trust is the key. The way you treat your pet from the start will often define the animal you have underfoot later. This is also true of children, and to some degree, houseplants.
If this is all too confusing for some of you out there I suggest having the animal spade. Sure, there won’t be and grandkids but, and let’s get real here for a change: They weren’t really yours anyway.
Next Time: Tomcats, like all males, have only one thing on their demented, little minds. We’ll show you how to nip that urge in the bud right there in your own garage. This is Dr. Efram for Pampered Pet Parade.
Men still following great herds
(Special from The Saber-Tooth Follies – August 25, 2015)
(Cavetowne) Dressed in his best loincloth or leisure suit modern man has continued the tradition of following the great herds. Still uncomfortable with subsistence farming and cubicle tension he has sought more natural means of survival and social development.
“Just look how Homo erectus looks at a herd of elk,” says Doctor Fernham Josephine of Mao Clinic. “It is part longing and part logistic. He appreciates the grace and style of the wild animals but he still wants to bring it down and roast it over his fire. He wants to love the elk, but he also wants to eat dinner.
For millenniums we have watched primitive gangs of hunters track and subdue animals larger and more ferocious than they. They didn’t have assault rifles either. They had flimsy spears and a battle plan that must have brought a smile to the face of their prey.
“Whataya gonna due with the little Barbie spear, Mr. Caveman? Are you going to throw it at me or try to stick it in my side? Whoa! Are you going to all charge me at once? You’re like fleas or lice. I’m frightened. Wouldn’t it be a lot safer for everyone if you just picked up a tub of chicken or some tacos?
Often the ultimate impact intensity of a well-hurled spear would cause the caveman’s pants (animal skins) to fall down to his knees, leaving him the butt of dinosaur laughter. He was also at the mercy of the beasts in that his outfit was wrapped around his ankles, prohibiting a fast retreat.
In ancient times man, often in large groups, would secure meat, then take it back to the cave to barbecue it with friends and family. All would gnaw on the prize down to the bones that would be shared with mongrels and those too old or crippled to help with the taking on the animal. Some of the cavepersons would eat too much and become so chubby that they had to procure new animals hides.
Man has not evolved very far when it comes to primitive eating habits,” said Josephine. “He ate a healthy natural diet which, often lean and limited, gave him the strength to subdue the other animals. And he didn’t have somebody sneaking around behind him genetically modifying his corn and potatoes.” – Uncle Pahgre