All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

THE MISSING LINKSTERS

“If I had my way any man guilty of golf would be ineligible for any office of trust in the United States.”           – H.L. Mencken

We all get into trouble when we take ourselves too seriously. Nowhere is this reality more apparent than on the golf course. If we can’t even lighten up on the links then what chance do we have in the workaday jungle? It’s sad. The game of golf has all the elements: A healthy flirtation with fate, a personal challenge, a sensual brush with nature, and a good belly laugh. Why then is there frustration?

In 1771 Tobias Smallett observed in The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker that the game was becoming serious. “An Edinburgh foursome, all gentlemen of independent fortunes, had amused themselves at the pastime for the best part of a century, thus achieving a considerable amount of dexterity.” Tobias saw the golf as a precocious, yet peaceful pursuit. He may have said more had it not been for a brief encounter with a bolt of lightning, while single malt chipping on the 9th hole at St. Andrews that very afternoon.

Cheaters on the fairway are a common sight

Often a golfer cannot achieve consistency on a fast-talking green or in a bushwhacking fairway bunker because he’s dragged all of his daily problems into the sand with him. In short, he has chosen to play golf only on the surface level. He has chosen to go through the motions while his mind is elsewhere. He has chosen to follow another blueprint awarding himself with yet another report card for his efforts. In short, he has chosen the wrong club. That’s where cheating helps.

All golfers cheat. The ones who tell you they don’t are liars and cheats.

While fudging on a score, kicking the ball from the rough onto the fairway, taking countless mulligans and rearranging the landscape are ill-conceived yet common behaviorisms, they are only manifestations of the inside game. They are as predictable a as a wad of sunflower seeds on the path between second and third base or lowered helmets at the goal line. Combined with a competitive attention to detail, throat-slitting speed and an assortment of dead pan expressions these sociopathic country club skills, often inherited, can allow the golfer to properly focus.

Cheating at golf is a game within a game, a subculture composed of honed athletic skills, an executioner’s concentration and a bounce in the right direction when nobody is looking. It is peppered with a brisk glimpse that nothing is sacred and that no micro human endeavor should ever be taken all that seriously.

It’s all fair and square because everyone has an equal opportunity to be dishonest, even the caddies. Handicaps be damned…The novice swindler should take precautions to employ a caddie who is also a cheat. That way there’s no conflict of interest. In addition, one should dress to blend. In other words: Flashy clothes draw the kind of attention which no self-respecting, flimflam golfer wants. 

The deceptive linkster doesn’t cotton to laughing at other golfer’s outfits either. He practices the art of distraction at the appropriate times. For example, he might be inclined to rigging his own pants to fall down while competitors are putting. Eating crunch snacks on the green can also achieve this same kind of objective. Remember: Always practice your methods of cheating. There’s no reason to go straight just because you’re on the putting green or the driving range prior to play.

One particularly successful golf cheat I know in Montrose is constantly giving advice and tips to his competition. This drives them nuts.

“Keep your head down and don’t move your head,” he says. “Keep your arms straight and your club face closed. Bend your knees! Now close your eyes and swing with all your might!”

The result of this mental torture is the slow demise of his adversary. Soon these pathetic pawns are deep in analyzation and the little ball peters off the tee, slices like cream cheese or hooks its way into downtown Olathe.  

Noted American Presidents like Gerald Ford and Dwight Eisenhower engaged in techniques of harassment on regular basis. Ford allegedly aimed his shots at other golfers while Eisenhower often put fellow linksters to sleep with his legendary monotones. Jethro Clampitt, who was never elected president of anything, often yelled “Whop it!” just as other golfers began their backswing. Or maybe it was Jed. 

My favorite method is to offer assistance just as another golfer is about to drive.

“You just keep your head down, pal, I’ll stand back here and watch your ball for you,” I say. 

After the drive I attempt to send my golfing buddy to a spot as far away from his ball as possible. 

It’s funny watching the fellow searching in the rough for a ball that lies right in the middle of the fairway. Ha! Finding one’s own ball may not be the most beneficial move either. Always frown while looking and keep a backup ball at bay. Storing a second ball in one’s cheek or behind the ear works well. 

One particularly clever cheat over at Dos Rios, in Gunnison, has fashioned a kind of Steve McQueen/Great Escape pair of pants that allows for timely golf ball drops anywhere. The prisoners in the film used similar apparatus to get rid of dirt from their ill-fated tunnel. Try it on the golf course whenever the Gestapo ain’t lookin’. 

The practice of lingering over one’s own ball for what seems like an eternity can also upset other players causing them to lose all sense of timing. Often they become distracted by other stimuli and then they are at the mercy of their own frustration. This approach is very important if one is caught in a sand trap. After the other golfers have grown bored and stopped watching you take practice swings, simply stomp your ball down into the trap, kick up some sand and toss a new ball up onto the green. Simple enough huh? If another trick is necessary, exercise the wild-eyed option of cleaning your ball for about five or ten minutes at a whack whenever you are within 30 yards of a ball washing machine.

Be very careful in the sand trap. We know of people who, having spent the afternoon there, emerged victorious, but never the same. “Titleist, Topflight…Maxiflight, Wilson Long Drive….is their curious mantra. Heart breaking.

Other effective diversions include impersonating the sounds of the club hitting the ball. (The proper sound is Twaaack, not Clunk, Whoop or Plop). Losing one’s temper can work and often covers the real agenda. Sneezing, burping and chattering are also powerful tools, as are cell phones, cameras, hair dryers and small chainsaws.

Those who fudge will pay the price

Just remember: The golf club is designed to hit the ball and the golf course is designed for swindlers. Driving is wide open while chipping and putting are forever untwined with diet and inner peace. Take full advantage of other people’s insecurities when birdies fly or eagles have landed. Keep in mind that the ultimate reward for cheating is a favorable score. Many of us prefer to keep score after 18 holes have already been completed.

“I think I had a four on number five or was it a five on number four,” is a common conversational technique. Feel free to use our international conversion table found at the rear of this issue. Check out the section listed under Club Distribution of Body Weight and/or Driving While Impaired. It’s sure to shave a point or two.

If none of this works maybe one should consider that he/she simply sucks when it comes to golf. We suggest that a person faced with this stark realization turn to poker or billiards, two fine exercises for chronic rogues.

Kevin Haley, a duffer of unimpressive stature throws clubs and refuses to check the oil on his golf cart. He thinks a consistent score of 90 or lower adds validity to an afternoon.

AMERICAN TAXPAYER FEATURED ON NEW COMPUTER GAME

(New Jork) A facsimile of the average American taxpayer will be a major component of the new computer game Super Baloney Brothers which is scheduled to hit the stores by Christmas.

The game will pit an everyday wage earner against unsurmountable odds in an attempt to challenge the computer enthusiast to the max. The theme is to be simple enough. It centers around the the common desire to stay above water while attempting to come to grips with the evil deficit, represented by greedy trolls and other ravenous fiscal beasts. These desperate monsters currently hold the future of the country, represented by Lady Liberty in-the-flesh, hostage.

Production is currently at a standstill while government officials examine the workings of the game so as to determine if it encourages violent revolution or is simply another silly diversion.

-Oral Waters

Biden to nationalize ski areas

(Ruby) Freshly elected President Joe Biden has asked Congress pass a bill calling for the nationalization of all ski areas by 2024. In so doing he keeps a campaign promise to subsidize recreation in the United States thus creating a fitter, more positive populace. The acquisitions would apply only to existing resorts currently licensed by the United States Forest Service.

“Our goal will not be to build seasonal hotels and condos,” said a spokesman for the White House. “We will build infrastructure and invest in alternative sources of energy right there on the slopes. We intend to make these resources profitable while lowering prices for families with an annual income of less than $100,000.”

The proposal received a cold shoulder when first unveiled at the Petit Snodgrass (Foie Gras) Summit last month.

Saying that since private operators are already camped on what is federal land, the transfer of the properties in question should go quite smoothly. The President did not elaborate when asked how the land would be used in the off-season nor was he willing to confront the knee-bending issue of snowfall possession/legal ownership.

Biden was captain of the ski team at the University of Hawaii according to adoring supporters interviewed outside the Capitol.

“Or maybe that was Barack Obama,” frowned one.

Geographically Challenged?

Boebert: “Those East Coast elites want to tell me how to behave. I won’t do it.”

Monitor: “But isn’t your hero, DonaldTrump from NYC?”

Boebert: “Well he’s not from the East Coast anymore. Don’t you listen to POX News? He moved to Florida.”

City, hospital teaming up on sleep disorder syndrome

(Montrose) The City of Montrose and Montrose Memorial Hospital will cooperate in an experimental procedure linking council meetings with outpatient therapy. Starting this week, clients of the hospital, suffering from sleep disorders, will begin keeping minutes at the city’s legislative sessions in the hopes that the action will put them to sleep.

Attendance will be mandatory for all receiving treatment.

“Who knows,” said one source, “maybe some of these tired novices will run for elected office themselves someday thus completing the cosmic circle.”

Officials at both the city and the hospital hope that this move will relieve symptoms of the illness while researchers search for a cure. If this doesn’t work patients may be forced to watch Rockies’ games on television through the summer.

Anyone wishing to join in this flowering marriage between health and politics is invited to attend, however space is limited and guests are reminded that there is no eating or drinking in council chambers until after the meeting is concluded.

-Pepper Salte

“You have no history here. You barely have geography.”  – unnamed resident to newcomer considering a run for town council seat after two months living here. (overheard at the Ridgway Post Office Ballroom).

TRAVELER’S WARNING

The U.S. State Department has issued a big boy serious traveler’s warning for Americans who resemble Ronald McDonald. A secondary alert has also been filed with our embassies regarding people who dress in clown outfits, have red noses or smell like french fries. Due to recent attacks on fast food restaurants in France, Greece and China the world is no longer safe for our brand of democracy. YOU MAY ALREADY BE IN DANGER!

Regions and countries to avoid include Europe, Asia, Africa, Australia, as well as South and Central America. One may also be at risk where negative sentiments on globalization are lurking. Remember: There’s a reason that these people are foreigners!

Next Month: How many times have you seen an animal smile at the zoo?

Brunot Agreement Rescinded

After almost 150 years of courting appeals and petitioning higher powers the Blue Sky People have won an unprecedented legal battle that effectively negates the Brunot Treaty and returns some 3.5 million acres of land to its rightful owners. The agreement, signed in 1873 under intimidation and blatantly false pretense, called for the removal of all Utes from the area of mines, which included all of the San Juans and adjacent valleys.

Even though the Treaty of 1868 guaranteed that the land “would be yours forever” the newer entente, hatched by racists such as Governor Frederick Pitkin, called for the expulsion of the seven Ute bands to reservations along the New Mexico and Utah borders.

At the time the Utes did not understand what the government had done. It had been their understanding during negotiations that they would give up land on which the mines were actually located, not all the land that contained mines. The situation was further clouded by a government decree recognizing Ouray, of the Uncompahgre Band, as chief of the Colorado Utes. This designation allegedly helped gloss over the smooth transfer of lands to white settlers and in its defense, probably prevented a bloodbath.

“If Ouray was chief of the Utes then my ass chews gum,” said one Ute sheepherder living near Ignacio. “He was never elected to anything. I was all a giant hoax to grab our land, which , according to our beliefs, cannot be owned in the first place.”

During the last few days of hearings the Supreme Quart apologized to the Blue Sky People for “unparalleled grievances, rampant violence and systematic racism”. Saying that the land in question was stolen they declared all treaties starting with the Calhoun Treaty of 1850 to be null and void.

“We can’t give these native people back their culture or way of life but we can damn sure give them back their land,” said a combined statement from the justices.

In keeping with the ruling the town of Ouray will be renamed Colorow and the city of Gunnison to Tomichi. Colorow was a rascal chief and Gunnison had been inappropriately named after early white explorer John Gunnison, a man of oppressive moral fiber, who subsequently killed by Pahvant Ute at Sevier Lake in the Utah Territory in 1853.

“Tomichi sounds better,” continued the herder.

“We expect it will take about 100 years for the land to return to its more natural state,” explained one Ute councilman from what was once called Cortez, and will now be named Weeminuche. Chivington, in Eastern Colorado, is slated to be razed on Tuesday, the residents sent to re-eduction camps in what was once the penal colony of Oklahoma. Oddly enough, that jurisdiction is proudly dubbed Native America on the state’s license plates, even though not one Native American has ever voluntarily relocated there.

The white folks currently residing on the effected acreage will have until Friday to vacate the premises or be forcibly moved to reservations in Utah.

– Uncle Pahgre

“I’m not trying to restructure society. I’m just trying to take care of the issues that wake people up in the middle of the night.”   – Kamala Harris. Vice President of the United States