All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category

Trump-free accepted by Merriam Webster

(Orlando) The term Trump-free has been included in the annual updated version of the heralded dictionary due to a spike in common usage over the past year.

This particular dictionary is accepted as the ultimate source for legitimate words, spellings, definitions and grammatical uses. Only valid and vernacular words are included in this roster of English words

Joining caffeine-free, lint-free and gluten-free among others, Trump-free will be listed alphabetically and referenced in the back of the reference book.

Most commonly found in conversations about the 2020 presidential election, the term has waded into the conflicts between money and the environmental state of the planet. It is often used as a predicate noun or even a weak participle but can be applied to a plethora of situations where the speaker embraces the invisible or the lack of presence.

“The left-field right quote the Bible and the Constitution when it benefits them but most have never read either document. It seems the dictionary has fallen victim to the same indifference and ignorance worship,” said one of hundreds of Democratic candidates. “I for one have never seen anyone successfully cherry-pick a reference book like this but there’s a first time for everything.”

– Gabby Haze

AARP DAMNS CANDY CANES

Team Up With Toothless

(Sun City) Candy canes are not politically correct and discriminate against seniors says the American Association of Retired People. The powerful lobby group has petitioned Congress to outlaw the striped Christmas treat.

“Not only do these striped candies depict an immobile crew of elders in a needy light  but they focus on the shortcomings of the handicapped as well,” said an effervescent Jodie Twipper, a 22-year-old press secretary for the group. “In short, we don’t want children playing with the necessary tools of the aged. We don’t want them viewing aging  grandparents as reliant on canes to get around.”

Twitte added that the red and white colors are offensive to some older Americans who have grown bald and no longer need to go to the barber.

“What about people who don’t have teeth and can’t enjoy the candy? Who will speak up for them?” she plinked.

The AARP, recently criticized for reminding quinquagenarians of their inevitable aging, has pledged to get the canes off the market. They have already threatened to go to quart with the makers of Viagra and several RV manufacturers, two lobby groups dependent on older people to survive..

“Isn’t this a lot like throwing out the rubber dickie with the bath water,” asked fifth wheel cliché giant Melvin Toole, always a bridesmaid but never a bride. “I don’t know what that means but I love to throw metaphors around in the age of senior citizen discounts and the demise of sociable security.”

– H.L. Menoken

DA WIDDOWEST CWISMAS TWEE

Once upon a time, way out in de fowest, deah was a widdow twee. He was a pwetty widdow twee, wid bwanches in just da wite pwaces, and his mamma and awe his widdow fwends weah vewy pwoud of him.

And den one day, into da fowest came a big man wid an ax oveah his shoudah and  a widdow boy. He was wooking fow a twee to cut down, because it was getting cwose to Cwismas. When da man saw da widdow twee he said to da widdow boy, “Son, dat’s da twee we want. Wook how pwetty it is.”

And da widdow boy wepwied, “Oh I see how pwetty it is. Awe da bwanches awe in just da wight pwaces.”

Da man unshowdahed his ax and appwoached da widdow twee.

“Stop! Stop! scweamed da widdow twee,” who was shuddowing wid appwehension.

“No! No!,” cwied da momma twee twuu da teahs dat wah fawwing fwom hew eyebaws, but dat man wid da ax didn’t heaw dem, and in just a few shoat stwokes of his ax he had feowed da widdow twee. Dwagging it behind him, he and da widdow boy wetahned twuu da fowest to da pwace weah dae wived.

When at wong wast dey emeahged fwom da fowest at da pwace weah dey wived, deah was a wovwy wady deah waiting fow dem. She saw da widdow twee and said, “Oh, what a pwetty widdow twee! It has awe da bwanches in da wite pwaces! We weih decowate it wit awe ob oah wovwy oahnaments and pwace awe ob oah pwetty pwesents bewoe it, and den we will hab a woneahfoe Cwismas!”

And so dey decowated da widdow twee wid awe da pwetty oahnaments, and dey stwung da widdow twee with stwing aftah stwing ob pwetty wites, and when dey pwugged in da stwings of wites da twee gwoed and gwimmahed and was vewy pweased wid himself.

Den de man and da widdow boy and de wovwy wady bwought in wots of pwetty pwesents awe wapped up in wovwy wappings and pwaced dem bewoe de widdow twee. He saw himself in de miwah obah da fiwapwace and he knew dat dis was da most beautifoe he had ebah been in his whoea wife, and he smioed a gwin dat weached fwon bwanch to wovwy bwanch.

De man, de widdow boy and de wovwy wady den went to de taboe wheah a wondeahfoe Cwismas dinnew was spwead out befoe dem. Deah was sawad to staht wid, fouwhoed by tewkey wid dwessing, potatoes wid gwavey, cwanbehwies, tewnips, and wime gewatin. Foe dessaht de wovwy wady bwought in chockwit covahed ecwaihs wid vaniwah ice cweam.

Dey awe ate fwom da wondeafoe wepast befoe dem untio deah was fowe, and den dey embwaced each oddah Mawie Cwismas and went off to sweep in de bewief dat Santa Cwaus wouad awwive befoe mahning.

And dat night a stwange ting happened. Da widdow twee heaud a noise obah by da fiwapwace, and wooking in dat diwection he saw dat Wovah, da famwie dog, had awisen fwom a deep sweep. As da widdow twee watched wid some awarm, Wovah came cwosah and sniffed awe awound. Den Wovah wifted his weg and peed awe obah da widdow twee, wid awe da bwanches in da wight pwaces, and awe da pwetty oahnaments, and awe deah beautifoe wites, and even obah deah pwetty pwesents wid deah wovwy wappings.

And, you know, it kind of spoyed Cwismas foe da widdow twee.

-Donald J Powers, 1979

Deadline for hibernation permits draws near

(Bland Valley) Colorado Residents who wish to hibernate this winter have until Thursday to obtain official State Hibernation Permits. The procedure is simple enough and cave assignment/placement is often immediate. Applicants must only stop by the nearest Division of Wildlife office to pick up the needed forms.

“We have begun to closely monitor hibernation since more and more people have expressed interest in this winter diversion,” said Kay Slumber, Director of Latent Dormancy for the Western Slope. “This, combined with the population explosion here, has made cave space a premium and has threatened to disrupt the peace and quiet enjoyed for centuries by innocent fur-bearing animals.”

In addition to a small fee, persons wishing to enter this torpid state must also undergo a hibernation safety course, which is offered on Saturdays until January 20.

“In effect, this is an extended deadline,” smiled Slumber, “and we hope participants will be kind to our clerks when registering. We know you’re tired and hungry but getting testy with our people will only make matters worse.”

-Geraldine Cod

Popular Wiggles and Giggles Program Cancelled

It’s downright difficult to determine if people are laughing when they are wearing masks and standing six feet away BUT our team has doubled down and doubled over. We will likely expand and  relocate our alpine exercise program (morning walks) to virtual status allowing the conjunction of good hygiene and supposed safety. Along with impressive readership figures maintained (chronic boredom?) since the beginning of our current health predicament we have achieved stability and marginal greatness just like your elected officials. Many of our participants have lost up to 200 pounds since March! See your skinny ass on-line.

“It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” –  Matthew 19:23-26

Jome Sick For Jardin

That’s JOME sick for Jardin and missing the daily walk into town along the river, across the bridge and into the village. Here’s to a return in late 2021.