All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
Squatters Law Exhumed
(Montrose) Western Slope residents planning to leave town this summer are warned that a remote Homestead Era squatter’s rights ordinance is still on the state books. Until the regulation is amended, local law enforcement personnel have no choice but to follow the letter of the 1870s act.
“We will continue to implement procedures for the protection of the innocent,” said a local deputy sheriff who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “We don’t like squatters any more than the next guy (does) but we have sworn to uphold the law.”
What this means is that an empty house is a potential haven for the dispossessed. Often this raggedy element will swoop down onto an entire subdivision legitimately occupying private property while the owners are absent. In some cases it can take 90 to 120 days to have the intruders legally removed.
“This is particularly rough on second home owners in resort areas like Telluride and Crested Butte where part-time residents commonly spend as little as two months a year in their sanitized castles, surrounded by state-of-the-art landscaping and a three-car garage,” said county extraction agent, Suzie Compost. “Are these people expected to actually live in these trophy homes to prevent their seizure at the hands of roving mobs?”
Civilian patrols, alarm systems, guard dogs and even mine fields have as yet not detoured the squatters who often don’t work and thus have plenty of time for impertinent occupations. One home owner, attempting to ward off trespassers dug a large moat around his property only to be informed that he did not possess ample water rights to fill the thing. Another frustrated summer resident successfully chased a band of gypsies out the front door only to discover a contingent of homeless rabble occupying the kitchen and formal dining room.
“They tore down the curtains to make clothing for their naked offspring, cut down Nepalese saplings for firewood and devastated the liquor cabinet,” said victim Jack Spratt, heir to the Tampax fortune whose 73-room home sits at the top of Edith Bunker Mesa, near Colona.
Finally ATF agents raided the place when underage smoking and the presence of unregistered handguns were documented. Spratt estimates the damage to be in the neighborhood of a tax deductible $3.3 million.
“We’re up against the wall until the legislature overturns this archaic statute,” said the quoted police officer. “Considering the danger maybe they will cancel their next recess and stay home.”
Meanwhile residents are encouraged to keep alert.
“If you must leave home for recreation limit outings to day trips or hire a house sitter,” continued the deputy. “Otherwise you may end up with some unwanted roommates.”
– Gabby Haze
“His ass is large enough for all to kiss. The ass is large enough. Wait your turn. Please don’t push.” – sign at donations cup at recent GOP Trump rally in Branson, MO. Organizers say it was illegally placed by radicals in Antifasta, Red Chinese spies and godless Socialists.
Seat Belts Could Get Expiration Dates
(Denver) The state of Colorado has decided that not only will it honor expiration dates on everything from lampshades to canned goods but will push for legislation placing time limits on safe seat belt use.
Seat Belts have survived for ten or twenty years without official examination for side effects or tainted conditions. Trusting motorists often cruise along unaware of the dangers.
“The gov’ment is still your little buddy,” said one highway patrol officer who won a trip to Disneyland for giving out 100,000 citations for seat belt infractions in August alone. One Grand Junction man received over 1700 warnings before he got smart.
“What we have here is a serious matter of lawless consumption peppered with a dwindling respect for the law. Automotive restraining devices must be checked daily for wear. Everyone must cooperate and look the same on the road,” added the veteran officer who once gave his mom a ticket for slouching behind the wheel.
Consumer advocates, slow to respond to the seat belt crisis, say that air bags are their current focus. Champions of social homogeneity say most drivers don’t realize that the bags must be checked for pressure just like tires.
“A flat air bag is of no use to anyone,” said one source behind the cosmic meat counter. “The days of cheerful Gomer Pyle service are over. Today’s motorist must familiarize himself with tread capacity enhancers and basic tire gauges. Theses can be conveniently stored under the seat adjacent to handguns.
In a related development, the U.S. Mouse of Representatives voted to suspend expiration dates on bottled water for the remainder of the session but to stamp a temporary restriction on the consumption of aged scotch whiskey and old British gins.
“If there’s dust on the bottle throw it out,” said one millionaire legislator from South Dakota. “Sure it’s a senseless overture but it’s a matter of placate or perish. How else do you think we can get the corn bill passed this year? We expect all this to die in the Senate anyway due to allegiances to the crown. The last thing the gentry there wants to do is upset Buckingham Palace right before the World Series.”
Meanwhile seat belt violations mount up with the criminal element recalcitrant to their own protection. In Montrose for instance, a 98-year-old, one-armed grandmother was cited for failure to display a seat belt on her wicker chair while operating a propane fly swatter at 2998 Yapping Dog Lane. Later the same day three illegal aliens were ticketed for improprieties regarding minimal restraining apparatus on an unregistered concubine near LaSalle Road. The list goes on. Bears in Ouray seem oblivious to the law. Residents of Telluride have been issued permits allowing leash laws to compensate for lack of adherence during parking maneuvers.
And finally, in what could become the precedent for future enforcement, the Colorado Department of Health has sealed off the men’s room at Grady’s Gravy Heaven in Feedlot Mobile Home Park. Sources there say patrons have been in violation of safety codes there since the Spanish-American War.
– Kashmir Horseshoe
“Maybe it’s time to move beyond the Democrats and the Republicans.”
– Sad Sack, 1943.
Explicación de las zonas de barbacoa designadas
(Montrose) En un intento por reducir las emisiones de carbón vegetal en el Valle Uncompahgre, se ha formulado un diseño estricto para los días de barbacoa designados para el bien de todos. El sistema se implementó para controlar la contaminación por humo y fomentar la seguridad general alrededor de la parrilla este verano.
Así funciona:
Los residentes y visitantes cuyos nombres comiencen con las letras A – L podrán hacer barbacoas legalmente los lunes, miércoles y sábados, mientras que las personas cuyos nombres comiencen con las letras M – Z estarán restringidas a cocinar los martes, jueves y viernes. Los domingos son fechas abiertas en las que todos pueden hacer barbacoas, ya que ese día hay una menor contaminación de los vehículos comerciales y la industria en este frágil valle. Los patrocinadores de esta legislación reconocieron que el programa limita el disfrute culinario del aire libre, pero sienten que se producirá un aire más limpio.
“Sugerimos que la ciudadanía elabore un cuadro simple que defina claramente los días legales para cocinar al aire libre”, dijo Evelyn White-Fumo, del Consorcio de Aire Limpio de Colorado en Boulder. “Si las fechas están marcadas en rojo, no debería haber motivo de confusión. Incluso tenemos bolígrafos rojos para regalar con nuestro logo y un número de emergencia en caso de problemas ”.
El plan, llamado innovador por los proponentes y estúpido por los detractores, está siendo promulgado a pesar del fracaso de otros programas similares. El concepto de zona piloto ha funcionado bien en las llanuras, pero nunca despegó realmente en altitudes más altas.
“Es una cuestión cultural”, continuó White-Fumo, “ya que la temporada aquí es más corta y la gente siente la necesidad de aprovechar la corta temporada de verano”.
– Sergio Tinkleholland
WHAT I’VE FOUND OUT
A little bit of worldly wisdom, with a shared bath down the hall
It’s better to be born rich than stupid but if the two elements share the main stage the money will surely serve as a great comfort.
Airline food was inspired by hospital food, which was itself inspired by train food. Train food first found its inspiration in K-rations. K-Rations…kibble. There is no set cuisine for bus travel.
Region Zen, in Western Colorado, Boasts the Best Weather in North America
All Italians want you to think they drive Alpha Romeos and wear $500 sun glasses.
Commenting that the queen of Thailand is “a bit chubby” will upset most Thais and could get you deported.
The number of DUIs issued since 1990 has all but decimated the drinking community.
The chances of winning a state lottery are about the same as being struck twice by lightening in a gold mine.
For prehistoric Basques, caves were often safe places.
Punctuality is in the eyes of the beholder.
If Iraq held democratic elections today it would be a fundamentalist Muslim state tomorrow.
I’d rather run into a black bear in an alley than a skunk.
The Greek gods and goddesses had it pretty darn good.
It is physically and mathematically impossible to fill all the handicapped parking spaces in Colorado at one time.
Due to chronic globalization beach ants won’t eat sticky rice on the Andaman island of Ko Lipe, Thailand.
When the owner of a brand new SUV spends his evenings delivering pizzas the economy is in for a ride. My other car is a Schwinn.
Ordering the fish special right there on the Mekong River (in front of the fish) is not considered bad breeding in Laos.
If UN weapons inspectors tried to ply their trade in the US they would get a similar reception as the one in Iran.
Biscuits and Gravy are never mentioned in the Old Testament and, in fact, the dish has Muslim roots. When served beside grits, however, the plate automatically changes its venue to Mississippi. In New Mexico see: Grits and green chilis.
Elk and bear droppings, while messy, are not a threat to national security at this time. There be a Color Brown alert if the situation worsens?
The United States gov’ment has enough nuclear warheads to hit every square inch of the planet 230 times before anyone has finished his lunch.
Dogs are not particularly loyal to other dogs.
Every trauma experienced by man in 2021 is caused by overpopulation yet controlling religious concerns continue to promote more babies in social corners where children are at extreme risk and life expectancy is lowest.
It’s difficult to make the car payment at a poker table but it sure beats worrying about it.
The best time to embrace adulthood is from 14 -16.
In golf, the value or skill in putting has little to do with stroke, greens or breaks. It has everything to do with putting the little ball into the little hole.
Terrorist is a convenient term that can be applied to corporate murderers as well as murderers motivated by twisted religious interpretations.
– Gabby Haze
REGIONAL SHORTS
Power Company Meeting Filled With Electricity
(Ridgway) The annual meeting of the San Miguel Power Cartel was filled with electricity last night as principals juggled controversial proposals as to the mandatory adoption of solar energy in Ouray, San Juan and San Miguel Counties. Other subjects discussed were a three-day work week for employees of the cooperative, the use of golf carts on service details to Hastings and Horsefly Mesas. Other downtown sources appeared intent on embracing fossilized ideas from the winter. At the close of the meeting, in keeping with the newly emerging windmill technology, a particularly extended passage from Cervantes was read and everyone fell asleep, only to be awakened when the pizza arrived.
PAGAN BIGGIES TO CONVENE HERE IN AUGUST
(Telluride) Leading pagan gods will assemble in this festive burg August 2 to discuss the future of Heathenism in America. Gods and goddesses already committed to attend the three-day seminar include Pan, Bacchus, Vishnu, Thor, Venus, Cuchulainn, Zeus, Rahsheeman, Buddha, Hera, After Six Jah, Ra, Finn McCool and the late great James Brown.
In return for free parking and discount lodging, the gods have promised heavy snows for the next three winters and divine intercession in building further roundabouts in the middle of sacred wetlands.
After an intimate chicken fried steak buffet the participants will convene to the Telluride Golf Corpse for closest-to-the-pin tournament sponsored by the recently reorganized Disappointment Valley Optimist Club. Limited tickets are currently available through any local working the crowd. If you are a god or goddess and would like to attend ask for an application at any merchant.
Ceiling on Tattoo Parlors
(Montrose) The local elected council has passed a sweeping ordinance that would severely curtail the number of tattoo parlors allowed to operate within city limits. Citing an explosion of tattoo and body piercing establishments the council voted unanimously to curtail further operations of this type.
“The existing parlors are not a problem nor considered a nuisance since they fulfill a need and pay taxes,” said one voting member. “we just don’t want to see the place turn into another Grand Junction.”
Already several appeals have been filed by tattoo parlors just outside the city limits who say grandfathered operations represent unfair competition in that they receive special consideration on city contracts.
Sand Baggers Criticized
(Gunnison) Persons engaged in sand bagging/flood control along the Gunnison River at Dos Rios have come under fire for irregular stacking methods by an architectural review committee from Parlin.
Saying that the stacks of sand bags interrupt access to the river at many points, the watchdog group further contends that the bags are not to code and that the baggers have not secured the proper building permits necessary for their venture.
“Many didn’t have protective footwear, helmets or flippers,” said one neighbor, concerned over a shoddy job.
Meanwhile the sandbaggers, who, for the record, take acceptance to the negative name reference, insist that emergency conditions dictate precedence and that adjudicated water laws overrule existing local statutes.
County officials promised to sort out the matter just as soon as the dry season arrives.
Phone companies promise louder beeps
(Pea Green) Telephone company CEOs, hiding from consumer contact in this quaint little jerkwater heaven, have decided to increase the decibel level of all “reminder recordings” by the first of the year. They insist that the obnoxious blasts experienced when one gets a wrong number or fails to follow dialing procedures correctly are not punitive. Many corporate human resource teams have reached out and reminded consumers that there are many deaf people amid the company’s clientele.
“That which is designated as politically correct must take priority,” said a QBest executive, who pulls down millions per year with incentives and bonuses. “We’re just poor, old country boy public servants “Years ago we didn’t see a lot of handicapped parking and now it’s everywhere, kind of like green space, only the asphalt is black.”
compiled by Armando Tinkleholland
Gout Club Disbands for Summer
Voting members of the Benjamin Franklin Gout Alliance plan to spend their summer reading 500-page historical novels about families they care nothing about and cannot even escape through, no matter how they till their furrows.
Neophyte members will continue cultivating black cherry trees and fermenting apple cider vinegar to bottle in the fall.
With any luck and lower uric acid levels, the popular support group should reconvene in time for The Annual Tawny Port and Unhinged Protein Rendezvous held as part of the popular Heany Tick Festival in November.
Civic duties and hosting arrangements, dedicatedly fulfilled for decades by the gout club will be handled by the recently paroled elements of the Disappointment Valley Optimist Club.
– Gabby Haze
