REGIONAL SHORTS

Power Company Meeting Filled With Electricity

(Ridgway) The annual meeting of the San Miguel Power Cartel was filled with electricity last night as principals juggled controversial proposals as to the mandatory adoption of solar energy in Ouray, San Juan and San Miguel Counties. Other subjects discussed were a three-day work week for employees of the cooperative, the use of golf carts on service details to Hastings and Horsefly Mesas. Other downtown sources appeared intent on embracing fossilized ideas from the winter. At the close of the meeting, in keeping with the newly emerging windmill technology, a particularly extended passage from Cervantes was read and everyone fell asleep, only to be awakened when the pizza arrived.

PAGAN BIGGIES TO CONVENE HERE IN AUGUST

(Telluride) Leading pagan gods will assemble in this festive burg August 2 to discuss the future of Heathenism in America. Gods and goddesses already committed to attend the three-day seminar include Pan, Bacchus, Vishnu, Thor, Venus, Cuchulainn, Zeus, Rahsheeman, Buddha, Hera, After Six Jah, Ra, Finn McCool and the late great James Brown.

In return for free parking and discount lodging, the gods have promised heavy snows for the next three winters and divine intercession in building further roundabouts in the middle of sacred wetlands.

After an intimate chicken fried steak buffet the participants will convene to the Telluride Golf Corpse for closest-to-the-pin tournament sponsored by the recently reorganized Disappointment Valley Optimist Club. Limited tickets are currently available through any local working the crowd. If you are a god or goddess and would like to attend ask for an application at any merchant.

Ceiling on Tattoo Parlors

(Montrose) The local elected council has passed a sweeping ordinance that would severely curtail the number of tattoo parlors allowed to operate within city limits. Citing an explosion of tattoo and body piercing establishments the council voted unanimously to curtail further operations of this type.

“The existing parlors are not a problem nor considered a nuisance since they fulfill a need and pay taxes,” said one voting member. “we just don’t want to see the place turn into another Grand Junction.”

Already several appeals have been filed by tattoo parlors just outside the city limits who say grandfathered operations represent unfair competition in that they receive special consideration on city contracts.

Sand Baggers Criticized

(Gunnison) Persons engaged in sand bagging/flood control along the Gunnison River at Dos Rios have come under fire for irregular stacking methods by an architectural review committee from Parlin.

Saying that the stacks of sand bags interrupt access to the river at many points, the watchdog group further contends that the bags are not to code and that the baggers have not secured the proper building permits necessary for their venture.

“Many didn’t have protective footwear, helmets or flippers,” said one neighbor, concerned over a shoddy job.

Meanwhile the sandbaggers, who, for the record, take acceptance to the negative name reference, insist that emergency conditions dictate precedence and that adjudicated water laws overrule existing local statutes.

County officials promised to sort out the matter just as soon as the dry season arrives.

Phone companies promise louder beeps

(Pea Green) Telephone company CEOs, hiding from consumer contact in this quaint little jerkwater heaven, have decided to increase the decibel level of all “reminder recordings” by the first of the year. They insist that the obnoxious blasts experienced when one gets a wrong number or fails to follow dialing procedures correctly are not punitive. Many corporate human resource teams have reached out and reminded consumers that there are many deaf people amid the company’s clientele.

“That which is designated as politically correct must take priority,” said a QBest executive, who pulls down millions per year with incentives and bonuses. “We’re just poor, old country boy public servants “Years ago we didn’t see a lot of handicapped parking and now it’s everywhere, kind of like green space, only the asphalt is black.” 

compiled by Armando Tinkleholland