Bozo Meeting Sets Precedents, Frightens Livestock

25 years ago in the Horseshoe

(CRESTED BUTTE) Last night’s Bored of Zoning and Okra (BOZO) meeting got underway with a bang as a variety of subjects from juried tourism to diaper disposal were discussed. Beginning with a prayer to The Purple Victoria, goddess of acceptable architecture and paint, the meeting quickly evolved into a close-range shooting match, as members fielded questions and heard suggestions from a cross-section of the community.

First, on the agenda was a suggestion that, due to increasingly odd behavior, the members of BOZO should undergo urine analysis, to determine a general state of mind. In response, a majority of members agreed to the procedure, saying they had nothing to hide and that “It might be fun”.

One dissenting member protested the proposal, saying that the sacred color purple has never been detected in a simple test of this type. The others agreed to a preliminary study of the plan. Then they spent about 45 minutes arguing about the size of the little bottle that would be employed in the tests. Later, after everyone had held the floor for the prescribed amount of time, it was decided that limited tourism procedures would be arranged but only on the honor system.

Next, the problem of discarded disposable diapers (and not plastic grocery bags) was taken up, with several members of the sanitation district warning the board about the urgency of their requests.

Second Street in Crested Butte features the old jail and town hall, two of the only structures in the village not to have ever been painted purple.

 “During the peak tourist season we pick up about 1,000 disposable diapers per week,” said a garbage technician. “We’re not sure where they come from either, but they are here and must be dealt with. It’s taxing out equipment and our work force,” he continued. “We’re here to seek BOZO’s help in obtaining a permit that would allow us to use the diapers for landfill. Over on Yellow (East) River That,” he added, “could fall under the category of modern architecture?”

After extended conversation, in which every aspect of disposable diapers was examined, BOZO voted to table the matter until a plan could be formulated to study local sales figures and find out if the diapers were being brought in from the outside or if a local baby boom were to blame. One member volunteered to lobby CBMR in an effort to regulate the number of new parents that come to the resort over a given time.

That being decided, the board meeting moved onto the question of trapezoids and triangular windows and doors with an equal number of members voting for windows and against doors, but only if they are considered part of an accessory dwelling.

According to one long-time member of BOZO, “People who want triangle windows can go straight to hell!”

“…And burn in Fire Lake,” added one of her colleagues.

The discussion then moved swiftly into a debate undressing the question of just how high is high?

At that moment a local banker stood up and carefully petitioned the board to allow his building to be three feet longer and two feet higher than the 1st National Bank of Taylor Park, Jack’s Cabin Savings and Loan, Who’s on First National Bank, Snodgrass State Bank, the Teocali Credit Union and several other newly opened financial institutions in the county.

The board granted his request because he was the only bank representative to bring cookies to any of the BOZO meetings.

In closing, the board threw its whole-hearted support behind an idea to establish a Gunnison County Oceanographic Museum, which would include the Slate and East River watersheds and stretch from Taylor to Paonia Reservoirs.

Proponents of the plan say that this may be the last chance to keep greedy Confront Range developers from grabbing local water.

“The way the law now reads is that water rights are adjudicated not only by who needs it, but by who is currently using it,” said one member, “and with whales and other large creatures swimming around in there we’ll be needing all of our water. What is the status of Cherry Creek Reservoir these days?” he mused.

-Gabby Haze