All Entries in the "Reflections on Disorder" Category
SNOW ON THE PUMPKINS HOROSCOPE
by Kashmir Horseshoe, Zenith of the Zodiac
SCORPIO (October 24 – November 22)
Build a better mouse trap and someone more clever than you will jack up the price of cheese. Question reality. Listeners you wish to captivate will sit up and take notice just so long as you limit contact to the telephone. Personal appearances will backfire as people find you less than attractive through the 15th. Open a charge account at the county landfill. Oh, if only golden retrievers could vote…
SAGITTARIUS (November 23 – December 21)
Avoid conversations with yourself regarding subject matter that is above your head. Friends may question your choice of breath mints in the late afternoon. Comprehension of cereal box literature is directly related to the individual appetite. Is your head half full or half empty? Remember: Severe skin disease isn’t for everyone. Face it: That bullet wound in the front of your head may require medical attention before the weekend. Spend quality time with a bottle of Russian vodka.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Don’t let fortuitous developments slip through your fingers. Wear mittens. Avoid aggressive exhibition of self control when dealing with underlings. Although you dress much like an adult the jury is still out when it comes to applied maturity levels on all fronts. The days are getting shorter and so is your attention span. Your planets are lined up at the soup kitchen. Visit a relative in jail this weekend.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 19)
Your position as bread winner has become quite stale. Try tortillas. Sly manipulation is better than direct confrontation when it comes to house plants. Blaze orange clashes with blood-shot eyes. A willingness to compromise wins friends and allies. A willingness to purchase rounds of drinks keeps them in tow. If you are going to be a deadbeat, be the best darn deadbeat you can be. Pay all debts promptly or leave town a little more promptly. A day trip to the local zoo could help determine evasive family roots.
PISCES (February 20 -March 20)
Spend time at the bottom of the tank in the afternoon. Fish smells like fish. Cattle smells like cattle. Avoid the surf and turf. Mrs. Paul has her one good eye on you. Keep your fins to yourself. Today is trash day and it is a good idea for you to keep on the move. Your bubbly attitude and fresh approach to menial tasks will cause fellow workers to vomit. If you cannot develop a bad attitude on your own, seek professional help. Your personal hygiene problems will not disappear at the car wash.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Today is a great time to get the cat a tattoo. Your culinary talents will emerge tonight with the arrival of a functional can opener to hunting camp. There is more to life than beans but not much more. Take only advice that is not nailed down. Do not rely on social workers who live in cardboard boxes. Hunting camp will be a gas about an hour after dinner is served. Stay upwind from yourself. When searching for personal faults, try an objective topo map. Wash your hands before and after exercising good judgment.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Your conscience is in storage and the key is misplaced in your Third House. Sour grapes are in season. You may indeed possess a dull mind but then again you are good at keeping secrets. Deal with domestic disagreements at the other end of the bar.
A man with an extremely large nose wants to buy you a continental breakfast. A casual compliment could turn ugly by lunch. You may find personal growth an evasive issue. Try dwelling on negative attributes while waiting for the traffic light to change. October is a bad month to jump out of airplanes, especially if they are still on the ground.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Suspenders can be handy in keeping your pants up but a good belt of scotch is easier to manipulate in a tight situation. Charm school can be expensive but don’t hold out for a scholarship. Perceived wisdom has shorted out what is left of your tiny brain. Red is your color and intimidation is your game but keep an industrial size bottle of smelling salts handy in case a lucky sucker punch hits home. No matter what the situation be sure to stay on the turnip cart. Pets may find it difficult to adjust to your new wallpaper through the end of the month.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
You are far too insensitive to take feelings to heart, far too egotistical to take it on the chin and far too closed minded to lend an ear. Get a leg up on life and keep adversaries at an arm’s length. Sticking your neck out will not distract the hangman. The concept of renting your house to transient dog handlers will result in a mess even bigger than life. Take heart as your bowling handicap is higher than your IQ. It’s October. Do you know where your ozone is tonight? Helplessness is not an end in itself but could be the beginning of someone else’s problem.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Your nasal passages may be closed for the weekend. Try using chains. Do something nice for local livestock. Don’t allow tedious good judgment to interfere with impulsive desires. Complete all hangovers. Patience is the key. Tinker. The best day for romance was about a month or two ago. You may be ticketed for passing a kidney stone on a dangerous curve. Avoid getting up on the wrong side of the bed by not getting up at all. Get everything in writing even if you cannot read. Put the heavy loads of your life on the gentle cycle.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Your innate ability to amuse freshwater fish may be a major asset in the backwaters of rural America, but don’t try the same approach when dealing with urban sharks. Don’t confuse seasonal and spicy. Your Halloween costume will be a big hit with pigeons. Self improvement may be out of the question until summer, so enjoy your lot while you can. Quit your job over the phone. It’s the thing to do. Vote the cosmic ticket this fall. Beware of whiskered men in plaid shirts and lavish dinners in Styrofoam containers. Things will only get better when you do.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 23)
Although you generally say the right thing, it is often to the wrong person. Invisible is sometimes better than invincible especially when dealing with the authorities. Business dealings will be successful if you stick to negotiations with people more naive than you. This will indeed limit the scope of activity but could put money in your pocket. Avoid delegating responsibilities since no one is listening to you anyway.
IF YOU WERE BORN A DEER, ELKOR ANTELOPE
For heaven’s sake make yourself scarce! We don’t want to alarm you, but there are still thousands of loonies, armed to the teeth out in your woods looking for meat…and that meat means you! Unless you think you’d look good next to a bowl of potatoes please adhere to this simple advice: Stay high and keep your antlers about you if you want to be around come spring.
Local Airport Gears Up For Halloween
Rather than, as a precautionary measure, ban costumes from departures and arrivals on Halloween Day, the Cookie Tree Airstrip has announced it will beef up security in and around the facility.
“This will consist of bringing in about 50 head of cattle and bovine accessories,” said Fred Zeppelin, Director of Homing Pigeon Safety for the military gov’ment. “We figure with all those Herefords hanging around the X-ray machine nobody’s gonna sneak through our radar.”
Airflow officials expect traffic to be heavy and disguises to be common on Halloween, a holiday stolen from the pagans and turned into All Saints Eve by early Christians in 54 AD.
“It’s hard enough landing a 747 in mined skunk cabbage fields without having a bunch of loonies running around dressed like witches or Frankenstein,” said Zeppelin. “What if someone dresses up like an Arab? Some might even try to dress up like us. This could get ugly.”
– Jack Spratt
Autumn still high fire danger zone
These. firemen knew that they weren’t out of the woods yet with regard to fires in and out of town. Some of Western Colorado’s worse blazes have come in the fall when people are in the woods preparing for winter and perfect daytime temperatures linger.
Early Swimming Lessons No Help with Bed Wetting say Docs
Ridgway, CO — Yellow River Press – September, 2023
Enrolling toddlers in swimming programs will do little or nothing to relieve the symptoms of bed wetting say physicians at Mao Clinic here. Although the associations are clear and the links are obvious, submerging little children in water in the morning won’t help them make it through the night.
Staying dry in bed and getting wet in the pool have no connection. Often children wet the bed due to juvenile traumas that increase with guilt and fear of repetition. Most will grow out of the behavior and should not be pressured.
“Our kids turn out to be great swimmers,” said Coach Eddie Dunkie Edwards of the Montrose Catfish. “We have never considered any other therapy that may be going on in the pool. Bed-wetting has never been an issue, even with the younger swimmers. Besides, how would we know if the condition was present? Everybody’s soaked here.”
The origin of this kind of thinking has never been clear. Pediatricians remain guarded about any positives that may emerge due to socialization and sleeping structure, or even the affects of cold water on the developing human body.
“Coincidental solutions are valid,” said one medical researcher. “But we can’t rely on them. The rule of thumb here is prevention. Water intake before bed and monitoring can help. Keep the patient in a cool and dry place. Apply behavior modification. Swimming lessons, like flying lessons, salsa lessons or cooking lessons will do little to lessen bed-wetting.
– Tommy Middlefinger
Immaculate Conception a Daily Occurrence by 2028?
(Vatican City) In a shocking departure from accepted Church doctrine, Congolese Cardinal Vance Van Boope today told the faithful that immaculate conception would be commonplace in a few years and within the grasp of the poor before the end of the decade.
The process on impregnation without intimacy, for centuries reserved only for the mother of Jesus Christ, may very well change the status of parents and birth control within the hierarchy of the Roman Church. The recognition of whispered ideology as a part of the mainstream is clearly a breakthrough in theology and the application of the Commandments.
“The power of positive thinking can achieve great things,” said Van Boope, “but I think we’re still operating backwards since overpopulation and not methodology is the chronic problem on the planet. In short, it is not important how the egg is fertilized but that another new soul is on the way to a social system that is failing to support its client-based family tree. Genetics can be heartless. Physical laws cannot be ignored.”
The expansion of infallibility, stamped with the Papal Imprimatur, came during a break in the fighting which has claimed millions of lives in the mineral-rich Congo since 1990. Gold-soaked warlords trade away the country’s future for sophisticated weapons while child soldiers hump the bush and peasants starve in refugee camps, often ignored by the rest of the world.
“The new explanations do not excuse anyone from responsibility as parents or overshadow existing moral standards,” said Van Boope.
The action is seen by secular thinkers as an attempt to relax certain long-held beliefs that have become inconsequential and juvenile.
“It is our attempt to counsel our congregations by separating fantasy from reality yet holding tight to the reins,” said the Cardinal. – St. Roscoe of Preakness
“These presidential ninnies should stick to throwing out baseballs and leave the important matters to serious people.” – Gore Vidal
Cattle Truck Tours in Hot Water Again
(Ouray) A local company offering “authentic cattle truck tours” of the Uncompahgre Valley has been called onto the carpet again this year due to what civic leaders are calling fraud, misrepresentation and bad taste.
A throng of detractors from both the public and private sector say Melvin’s Cattle Tours Ltd. has breached the thin line between what is entertaining and what is deplorable.
“This is the prototype of bad tourism,” said a chamber source. “It’s not in keeping with the image that we are trying so very hard to project for the summer season.”
Unconfirmed insiders went on to suggest that the operation, owned by unidentified residents in Elk Meadows, creates an extremely bad precedence, ridicules the cattle industry and demeans innocent tourists out for some good clean, albeit expensive, fun. A mounting contingent of critics say hauling tourists around the mountains inside a cattle truck is unsavory enough on its own, but when coupled with the poor driving and bad judgment, common to the rogue accompanyment of a derelict staff of reckless drivers, the sojourn becomes downright dangerous.
Stopping short of banning what Toole calls “See The Mountains Like the Cows See Them”, the concerned citizens say they hope the proprietor will quit his bovine adventures voluntarily, adopting a more civilized method of making a living.
“Maybe he could arrange jeep tours, offer sky diving or open an art gallery,” said one county commissar. “We can never have enough beauty parlors.”
Following a plethora of 2022 complaints relating to the condition of the cattle trucks and the bullying of passengers by drivers, the city has considered pulling Toole’s license. Last year hordes of angry visitors, feeling gouged by the $150 hourly fee, formed a constant parade through both the chamber and the mayor’s office.
When contacted at his international headquarters (nothing more than a henway corrugated bindle shift sans pinchbeck depository) Toole said he didn’t care if the authorities pulled his license since he never really wanted the thing in the first place.
“I can just get me another one of those licenses up in Silverton for about ten bucks,” he blasted. “Now there’s a town that’s commerce friendly. This is America!” he raved on, “or at least it used to be. I will not be intimidated by this bureaucratic schlock, no sireeee. When the tourists hit I’ll be a-waitin’. Hell, I might even arrange to pick some of them up when they arrive at the airport.”
– Fred Zeppelin
