All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Hordes expected for Spring Colors Week in April

(Lake City) Surging mobs are expected for the first ever Spring Colors observation, according to rogue elements of the local chamber of commerce. The celebration will center in but not be restricted to Hinsdale County.  

A brainchild, hatched by well intentioned marketing wizards who shall remain blameless, as well as nameless, evolves from a desire to draw monied visitors to the San Juans at a slow time of the year.

 “The thing is there are not really any colors to speak of but they hear the name Colorado and they pack the car,” laughed one longtime contractor. “You have your evergreens and usually snow and with blue skies and sunsets the concept is valid enough to exploit, if only on a trial basis.

Asphalt-Only Escorted color tours are offered to Ouray, Saguache, Creede and other hard-to-spell and/or pronounce locales. Several eateries including Lake City Cafe, Packers, Climb and Mom’s Fly & Bait have announced an extension of seasonal hours to accommodate warm and cold-blooded diners alike.

Just Say No To Colorado, an anti-development (and probably communist) faction has filed complaints targeting the move. 

“You invite chaos,” it suggests, “only to inject a few tourist dollars into seasonably sluggish economy that surely exhibits the stark dexterity of a once-spry octogenarian crossing an angel hair tightrope in velcro irrigation boots. We have photos of brown. We have photos in black and white.”

As of this morning it was not clear if pro-spring colors groups would petition their adversaries to reconsider their position on the event or simply to go jump in the lake. 

-Pepper Salte

“In Spain the dead are more alive than in any other country in the world.” 

– Federico Garcia Lorca

Masks not politicized during Dust Bowl

(Amarillo, TX) Persons attempting to survive dust storms and choking here in the 30s did not discriminate when it came to wearing all sorts of masks for protection.

Masks were often employed during the Dust Bowl without mindless political ramifications.

“Nor did they differentiate when it came to breathing,” said Jerald Tinte, 86, who was 2 years old when the worst of the storms hit town.

The Dust Bowl, the greatest ecological disaster ever to befall the United States was part nature and part greed. Prairie grass thrives here, even with cyclical droughts whereas plowing the earth to plant wheat has been detrimental since plowed up soil blows away.

“Nobody’s saying these precautions are fool-proof but covering your mouth should always be an option, especially when it comes to circulating falsehoods and clinging to unsubstantiated opinions.” he said.

-Pepper Salte

GOP Gerrymanders Counties Back To Mexico

(Brownsville UPS) Unsettling rumors that abortive, paper Christian Texas lawmakershave returned at least 5 Texas counties to Mexico were confirmed this afternoon. 

The accidental shift, an attempt to prevent people of color from embracing the power of the vote, was called “our mistake” by an embarrassed, yet continually ignorant class of politicians not seen since the Third Reich.

The counties shipped back to Mexico include Jim Wells,  Dimmit, Willacy,  Patricio, and western parts of Arnsas and Kleberg. All have had high Latino populations since the 1700s.

“We are certain that something can be worked out to alleviate this mishap,” said spokesman Rory Alamo, a non-elected official with impressive sway in the House. If not we’ll have to invade again. Remember Vera Cruz!”

The affected counties will have until January to legally respond to the changes. Residents there will most likely vote in a special election to determine future nationality. Will they stay in the US or join Mexico? 

Nobody knows.

– Red Greene  

“Fortune favors the already rich. If the peasants rises the wealthy will simply hire the Moors.” 

– Roscoe “Chepe” Mola

Napoleon May Have Visited the Gunnison Valley in 1815

(Crested Butte) Deceased French emperor Napoleon Bonaparte may have visited the Gunnison Valley following his escape from exile on Elba and before his subsequent defeat at Waterloo on June 18 of that same year. On his way to Colorado in the company of French fur trappers from Quebec, the one-time Empereur des Francais may well have surveyed former French holdings recently sold to the upstart United States in 1803.

Emperor Napoleon takes a break during an early morning rabbit hunt in the spring of 1815.  (Joachim Murat Photo)

The visit, allegedly in the spring of 1815, was an attempt to lay low before returning to Europe to raise another army and march on Paris, which had fallen to his enemies in 1814. The visit was a short respite from recent defeats at Oporto, Talavera, Leipzig and Trafalgar and the disastrous invasion of Russia in 1812 where only 20,000 French soldiers, from an original force of 550,000, survived the campaign.

The totalitarian leader is believed to have either crossed the still frozen Lake Huron with his entourage or to have floated the Missouri before marching overland and linking up with the Arkansas or the South Platte. The exact route is impossible to determine since log books were written in French. After reaching what is now Colorado he crossed the mountains and visited lands to the west of his former territory that still belonged to Mexico.

Crested Butte: Did Napoleon hunt here in the 19th Century?

Rare cave drawings depicting a sullen man in a tricorne hat with his hand shoved into his coat have been discovered near Parlin. Archeological digs on Tomichi Creek have netted naughty French calendars, discarded skin-tight white riding breeches, empty bottles of Champagne and several Since You’ve Bourgogne cookbooks believed to have been the property of the Emperor’s fur trapping party.

The trek, which was completed in early spring, would have put Napoleon in the north end of the Gunnison Valley sometime between 1:30 pm and 4:30 pm on May 12. After a few days of elk hunting he then proceeded southeast to New Orleans where he set sail for France.      

“Had he been privy as to the outcome of the battle of Waterloo he might have stayed here in the Rockies,” added our source. “Arthur Wellesley (The Duke of Wellington) and Gebhard von Blucher, the renown Prussian general really kicked his ass on the battlefield there and he was imprisoned for the second time on the island of St Helena where he died in 1821.”

Born in Corsica August 15, 1769 Napoleon rose from obscurity to become one of the most successful and frightening military men on the planet. Despite well documented holidays in Egypt, Italy, Spain and Portugal and clear photographic evidence (see attached picture) historians, who probably still believe the world is flat, remain skeptical as to his visit to Colorado.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

FBI Raids Cat Lady House

(Colona) A combined land and sea assault is in progress this morning targeting a notorious cat lady locale in downtown Mañana. Part of operation Feline Fandango, the feds will to storm and pacify roughly 400 known cat lady redoubts west of the Mississippi by 2022.  

These swoops have become necessary since local County Health office and Humane Society have been unwilling to come to the aid of county taxpayers. Many of these people are at risk of septic disease do to sick and unvaccinated animals. The condition remains critical at various coordinates throughout the Colorado Plateau and onto the Pacific..

The incursion included rounding up local tom cats —the after dark culprits in the population brinks. None of the tight-lipped agencies would say if legal action is in the wings but the demolition of contaminated adobes has already began.

“How assorted cat lady teams have survived in such gruesome and deteriorated conditions is beyond even the sickest imagination,” said one state health official who demanded anonymity. 

“Pets deserve to have a healthy life,” said the rogue health official. “These poor creatures are damned to an early death and all because of human retardation and shocking ignorance.

Upon completion of this daunting task FBI agents will begin deploying special nautical strike forces along 1000-square-miles of the Continental Shelf ocean floor. Their goal: Removal of an estimated 44,000 tons of discarded exercise equipment currently littering sediment-covered seabeds all the way to abyssal plains.

-Dag Katz

Potheads urged to take care with debris

Citizens harvesting cannabis crops in rural designate regions are firmly encouraged not to dump excesses near known migratory paths of indigenous species. Already biologists have noted that many mule deer appear slower and flocks of magpies have been getting to work later and later as they fiddle with and munch on sticky, stinky, newly caste-off buds strewn about the countryside. One can easily smell it on their breath. 

What we don’t need is for our wards to get hooked on marijuana,” said one USFS spokesperson. “They’re alfalfa bill is already through the roof! These herdies are desperately hungry bastards and can gorge themselves on bales of assorted grass and other fodder when not restrained, and that’s just the undulates. 

Marmots are particularly at risk in that the buds sustain them in their daily prowls while the leaves make mighty fine nests. It was recently noted that prairie dogs, existing in bar ditches from Limon to Cahone, have been putting on a little extra weight this fall. Is it anxiety over the coming winter or is it Oreos?