All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Bake sale to save the environment
(Ridgway) The annual Save the Environment Bake Sale will be held on Saturday May 28 in Ridgway Park from 9 am to 5 pm. Pastries will be provided by the Ladies’ Native Planet Legume Auxiliary and the event administered by the Agency for Homophobia Security. All snails final. All proceeds go toward filling in the hole in the ozone, banning the use of plastic bags and ending fossil fuel use by November. Sponsored by the Young Anarchists of Ouray County. Come enjoy!
American Cheese Slice Survives 100 Years
(Crested Butte) An individually wrapped American cheese slice has passed another decade in a local man’s refrigerator it was disclosed today. Longtime resident Herb Ditchwater, although reluctant to disturb the cheese, has agreed to present what is technically an antique to interested parties at the Croatian Club on Friday afternoon.
“It was in there behind the frozen dog chewies, the simulated macaroni strips and the dehydrated snails,” laughed Ditchwater, who is hoping for some a nominal cash prize for his startling discovery.
Analysts say this kind of over-processed cheese is synonymous with the mindless tailings of our right now American culture. While countries like France, Ireland, Greece and even Costa Rica produce delicious gourmet cheeses the United States still continues to settle for the plastic chemical variety. More and more consumers are comfortable consuming foods, and other products, that only look like the real thing.
“Yeah, but I’ll bet my cheese could last 100 years,” said Ditchwater who plans to present the preserved slice to the Smithsonian as a classic example of American culture.
According to the undisclosed maker of the cheese it’s all a matter of supply and demand.
“Americans prefer convenience to quality. Just look at our electoral process,” said one cheese executive who dabbles in politics. If people don’t like the fare here in the U.S. maybe they should go somewhere else for dinner.”
– Jolly Pena
“Maybe a convoy is going to come together in Algeciras (and) spend the winter in Africa, the hot sun on your bony little pagan arses. Lovely.” – Charlie Redmond in Night Boat to Tangiers by Kevin Barry
Armies Must Fight Naked Says UN
(New York) In an attempt to solidify its waning authority, the United Nations today passed a resolution banning armies in uniform from engaging in aggressive actions against others. While admitting that the proclamation is only a start, delegates agreed that it is, at least in theory, a step toward world peace.
The concept, in short, states that armies who do not wear uniforms will not be able to readily identify the enemy and therefore will vacate the battlefield. Sadly, it is estimated that many warring parties in Africa and Asia already have forsaken uniforms or in most cases never had them to begin with due to rampant poverty.
Critics of the UN disclosure say the body is not going far enough in condemning war and that they have not factored weather and ancient tribal tradition into the formula. Many abstaining delegates say they hope the resolution will be taken seriously in that it would provide quite a spectacle in light of longtime hostilities in places like Zimbabwe and Colombia.
“This may work well on the border of Ukraine and Russia but not in more tropical climates,” said one Swedish source. “Isn’t it clear why we are always neutral?”
– Tommy Middlefinger
A SPRIG OF GREEN
Famine boats, the rain, the Queen,
Baltimore and Skibbereen
Sailing far away from Clare
has clearly blurred me thinkin’
When we got to Yankeeland
they shoved a gun into our hands.
Saying Paddy you must go
and fight for Lincoln.”
New York, July, 1861
Sales of Ukrainian flags surge as Archangels reportedly seen in Kiev
(Warsaw) People all over the globe are clamoring for Ukrainian blue and yellow flags, representing the country they firmly support in its defense against Putin’s sociopathic attacks on her people.
Sales are off charts and the flags can already be seen draped and hung from Switzerland to Singapore. PUTIN HAS BECOME TOXIC reads one headline Russia a
In a virtual scene that some associate with Scripture people have reported seeing a band of Archangels fighting alongside Ukrainian troops. These sightings have yet to be confirmed by sources inside Ukraine.
Meanwhile brainwashed supporters of the war don red MRGA caps and confront demonstrators in Moscow. Police have arrested thousands of anti-Putin Russians sine the war began on Thursday.
In the us Putin supporters have been quiet. Are they finally ashamed of their behavior and their paper demagogues?
For more oil this please turn to God Sanctions Lucifer and the Dark Angels threatening two turn the newly formed nation of Hell into a pariah state for the ages.
Ski Patrol Called Up
(Crested Butte) The Crested Butte Mountain Ski Patrol has been called up for active military duty in Ukraine. The entire contingent, along with medical and information staffs, will ship out on Thursday.
The blitzkrieg departure was orchestrated by local Republican supporters of the former Trump Administration, who, as things work out, will be staying home, and a federal government that does not favor long, drawn-out good-byes. The news was received last night by shocked patrol members and their families who had no idea the group was at risk.
According to a ski area spokesman the call up is a result of small print in the annual ski patrol contract linking that team to the local Natural Guard. Medical training and physical conditioning inherent to the position has made the ski patrol and obvious choice for action.
“Technically they are reservists and since we don’t have a draft we must turn to these kinds of paramilitary entities to fight our battles,” said Supreme Commander General Worthington Bulbous, of the Curecanti Sector, who will also be staying home. “With those brave men and women over seas we will continue to fight the war against the bad guys from here.”
The ski patrol will be replaced by members of the Homeland Security Agency, even though many of these newly hired feds cannot ski. At press time a plan has emerged which would employ temporary guard towers, barb wire and punitive measures at the base to keep the peace on the slopes.
The next time I sign something I’ll read the small print,” said one ski patrol member. “I wouldn’t mind being shipped off to the Caribbean or to some other exotic spot,” she said, “but the Ukraine in the winter? I don’t think so.”
A citizen’s action group has filed suit to delay the departure until someone in Washington comes to his senses.
In a related piece Congress is considering legislation that would put non-registered voters in the 18-26 age at the top of a list of potential draft picks, if forced induction makes a comeback. The legislators feel that if someone in that age bracket does not care about the issues or bother to vote, they are less likely to put up much resistance to induction.
Other paramilitary groups such as Bozar and the Crested Butte and Mt Crested Butte Town Councils are currently being considered for inclusion in the plan.
“Some of these kids prowling Elk Avenue would make fine soldiers,” said Bulbous, especially the snowboarders.”
– Rocky Flats
