All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Supreme Quart to vote on Dunning vs Kruger this week

(Washington) Continuing analysis revolving around the controversial Dunning-Kruger Effect has pummeled this week’s Supreme Quart into action. The black-robed justices, standing as the highest court in the land are expected to either continue to adhere to stipulations herein or throw the whole mess out the window according to insiders here.

Particularly sensitive to criticism and gaping questions about security as illustrated by leaks on convoluted decisions on Roe vs Wade, the appointed judges will again break trail on the controversial and tenuous  status of Dunning-Kruger in the United States. 

The Dunning–Kruger effect is a highly dependent bias whereby people with low ability at a task overestimate their ability. In short they do not have the skills or intelligence to realize the low level of their thought falls short or nowhere. Some researchers also include in their definition the opposite effect for high  performers: their tendency to underestimate their skills.

The Supreme Quart is focused on this phenomenon due to stark data suggesting the Dunning-Kruger Effect itself is in run-away mode, threatening to sabotage logic, cooperation, restraint and balance in the daily life of the floundering republic that it serves.

“Is it all just a medley of sound bytes with no distinction between truth and lies?” asked a veteran capital vender who has no opinion on politics. “A populace who cannot distinguish between the two is destined to fail no matter who’s on the bench.”

– Tommy Middlefinger

Remember Magh Itha! – battle cry from ancient Ireland

Bingo Treatment Center Opens Today

(Montrose) The region’s first bingo treatment center has scheduled an open house for this afternoon. Located in the abandoned Wal-Mart building on South Townsend Avenue, the diversionary sports/recovery complex has been praised as both a recycling marvel and a boon to urban renewal efforts.  

Encouraging both potential patients and interested parties to attend, the medical staff will present a wide selection of prescribed treatment programs both out-patient and full care. Civic leaders, expected to be in attendance, hope the opening will encourage further growth in compliance with the intricate masterplan for the grandjunctification of the Uncompahgre Valley.

The facility, officially named St. Roscoe’s Bingo Rehabilitation Hub, after the patron saint of bingo and RVs, has been bankrolled with cash confiscated from illegal lottery operations/surplus DUI funds, and thanks to a grant from the Native American Consortium of Gambling Casinos and Golf Courses in Colorado and New Mexico. In addition, addicts on scholarship will sell bingo cards door-to-door here in order to raise additional operating capital for field trips and the like.

Its 40-bed recovery area features a veteran staff made up of medical personnel, sociologists, missionaries, psychologist, many recovering bingo addicts themselves. Shock treatment will take place solely at night and always under the strict supervision of authorized bingo callers. A full time alchemist is slated to be on duty 24 hours per day. Physical therapy, hypnotism and those magic crystals are to be prescribed only in the most chronic cases. 

The help center, in compliance with city ordinances, is non-smoking but a system of sealed off lounges offering bad coffee, grocery check-out periodicals, card tables and ash trays will grace both the B-29 and R-16 suites, where smoking is permitted.

“We want to thank the entire community for supporting this progressive approach to ending bingo guilt and perversion,” said Dr. Simon Lackluster, head cardiologist at the clinic. After all, bingo abuse should not be classified as a mental illness. Think of all the money we could save if we stopped punishing addicts as criminals.”

Lackluster says the goal of the center is to provide the community with healthy, motivated bingo players upon release.

– Kashmir Horseshoe

“Just download my app”

Child rearing made easy with on-line applications

Russian Literary Giants Condemn Putin From the Great Beyond

In a chilling statement from the grave, legendary Russian writers Leo Tolstoy, Fyodor Dostoevsky, Vasily Grossman, Aleksander Solzhenitsyn, Vladimir Nabokov, Maxim Gorky, Aton Chekov have condemned President Vladimir Putin.

Alexander Pushkin, generally regarded by the Soviets as a staunch ideological ally, had nothing good to say about the vicious attack on a “brother nation” and refused to defend the actions, choosing to abstain from comment. (Like China and India)

The stumblebum Russian propaganda machine denied that these well-loved novelists had returned in spirit to blast Putin and that the Oligarchs that have been robbing the people (and the military)  for decades.

Tolstoy comes back from the grave to condemn Putin

“Some poor conscript has a zero survival status because Putin’s buddies spent all the money on their lavish yachts,” said a Tatar medium from Saint Petersburg, who has since relocated to Finland. “These soldiers, who have been killed at alarming rates are victims too much like those in War and Peace and One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich.

It was not clear if the erudite novelists, the pride of the Russian people, can have any impact on a rather constipated Kremlin. Many House Republicans who didn’t know exactly where Ukraine was located were torn between supporting Donald’s buddy and supporting democracy for a change.  

The very idea that one of these pariahs would read a Russian novelist was not in anyone’s suggestion box.

Meanwhile Homer and Marge watched television trying to figure it all out.

In a related development, Rasputin was not far behind, lurking covered in the ashes of the Czars. Insiders outside in Red Square say he will hold a press conference in Lviv before the weekend.

“God created war so that Americans would learn geography,” – Mark Twain.

Spring Cleanup Sacks Town

(Manana) The first ever spring cleanup in Manana has terminated the town. After three days of hauling garbage, old tires, discarded machine parts, plastic, broken furniture, abandoned trailers and other debris to the county dump there is nothing left of what was once a thriving little burg that once commanded a spectacular view along the Little Packer Pecker River.

“Our team reached out and there was nothing left,” said one resident. “I thought someone had our back. Awesome.”

“Other towns seem to be able to handle a little sprucing up without changing road maps,” said mayor Muriel Armbruster who has taken up residence some six miles away at Colona. “We started with the highest intentions and the result is the disappearance of the entire town.”

Monday morning all that was left of Manana were fragile skeletons of dilapidated downtown shops, the wobbly shell of the post office and a few mangy dogs looking disoriented and hungry.

“I don’t know how long it will take us to return the town to its normal condition,” said Armbruster. “Right now there’s nothing here but a few spindly, framed remembrances. With the arrival of our traditional spring wind storms, those too will fade into architectural history.”

As expected the town has applied for federal aid.

“These town cleanups are serious business,” added the former mayor. “I wonder if we could incorporate the landfill.”  

-Small Mouth Bess

Mob Offers Collection Seminar

(Crested Butte) A three-hour seminar relating to bill collection techniques and hands-on debt relief will be presented by visiting gangsters as part of Mafia Ski Week scheduled for the last week in January in 2023. Conducted by experienced collectors, the presentation will introduce such dubious methods as intimidation, destruction of property and garnishment.

The carefully chosen panel features some 200 years of combined debt retrieval experience at all levels of collective bargaining. 

“What is crucial here is to convince the deadbeat that he must prioritize his liability or face punitive action,” said one debt expert who petitioned anonymity. “We are not concerned with how many people are owed only that a specific client is owed. We are not the bank or the credit bureau and we will teach those in attendance to focus as a more direct, one-dimensional entity, one that doesn’t send out bills.

The multi-layered approach to debits and balance sheets, although often extreme, has been documented to be 98% effective according to shadow groups engaged in implementation of traditional means of collection.

“Our success rate speaks for itself,” said the seminar source. “Sure our methods are crude but the bottom line is always in view. Sometimes intense measures are necessary to get the attention of the irresponsible.”

Mafia Ski Week, although not sanctioned by any particular group, is seen as a “reasonable substitute for Evangelical Naked Skiing and controversial Flea Ski programs that have failed to produce needed revenue for the town” according to unreliable sources on the Mountain. 

The concentrated program costs $150. Interested parties are encouraged to pay up front. Lunch will be served.

– Susie Compost

“She also spoke to the baby in French. She was well educated, and those kind of people speak French to their babies.”  – art museum guard to Allisandro in Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin