All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Birds, Buses, Bars and a Basilica
Fresh Chismoso from Jardin, in Colombia’s Zona Cafetera
Wandering onto the panela park, pre-moonlight, watching the sun in retreat, a crusty old pastel star tonight, pink in the clouds and full of itself. Masked streets, faces lit up – plaza gawking — the cultivated art of doing nothing.
There sits Jorge, in front of La Tampa, a man who once drank 38 cups of coffee in one day, then just like that he quit the stuff. His wife said it made him jumpy. Now he walks the streets singing Tango and eating papaya.
Later my neighbor, who runs cows along the stone path to town was feeding bananas to his brahmas yesterday…and they couldn’t get enough. I’d never seen that. These bovines are treated very gently and do not shy away from a pet on the nose. So far he has not detected any desire on the part of the animals to swing from trees.
They all probably find foreign visitors here rather amusing, and why not? Many of the younger visitors cram 10 to a small hostel dormitory for less than ten dollars a night, buy an empanada, then spend thirty dollars drinking. No small accomplishment where two shots of anejo rum and two beers sets you back about five dollars.
There are not many gringos here since the town has only recently graced the world’s shallow compendia. The ones that do show up are generally seasoned even if hand signals are their major Spanish component.
On Sundays the campesinos that work the coffee fincas come to town. They are loud boozers with bad music blasting in the cantinas, but no altercations. One such worker asked me in English where I was going one day and I told him I was headed to church to pray for him. The next time he saw me he parroted my phrase, only he said he was going to church to play for me. I got the concept.
High up above town, at nearly 8000 feet, the Reserva de Orchideas beckons. Mangos and rain accentuate the green scene. Palms perch mixed with pine trees, monkeys, eagles, sloths, bears and pumas. These are joined by thousands of birds and a vast assortment of other mammals. Wild waterfalls abound along jungle paths and mountain vistas.
This afternoon I heard tell of a young man who wore so much cologne that his mother here in Jardin knew exactly when he left work in Andes on the bus (30 minutes away) and when she could start dinner. Tonight, he’s having chicharron with avocados, rice and fried plantains.
And if that doesn’t float your arepa, this morning the local loco ate all of the bananas I hung on the patio’s iron grillwork last night. When I gave him a bill for the fruit he said he would not pay since I taught his cats to understand English and undermined his feline authority.
He’s crazy but not stupid. What he doesn’t realize is that they are mad for cheese and olives.
-Miguel Manypenny
El FBI allana la casa de Cat Lady
(Colona) Esta mañana se está llevando a cabo un asalto combinado por tierra y mar contra una famosa localidad de la dama gato en el centro de Mañana. Como parte de la operación Feline Fandango, los federales asaltarán y pacificarán aproximadamente 400 reductos conocidos de mujeres felinas al oeste del Mississippi para 2022.
Estos cambios se han vuelto necesarios ya que la oficina local de Salud del Condado y la Sociedad Protectora de Animales no han estado dispuestas a ayudar a los contribuyentes del condado. Muchas de estas personas corren el riesgo de contraer una enfermedad séptica debido a los animales enfermos y no vacunados. La condición sigue siendo crítica en varias coordenadas a lo largo de la meseta de Colorado y en el Pacífico.
La incursión incluyó la captura de gatos machos locales, los culpables de la oscuridad en los límites de la población. Ninguna de las agencias con los labios apretados diría si una acción legal está entre bastidores, pero la demolición de adobes contaminados ya ha comenzado.
“La forma en que los equipos variados de mujeres gato han sobrevivido en condiciones tan horribles y deterioradas está más allá de la imaginación más enferma”, dijo un funcionario de salud estatal que exigió el anonimato.
“Las mascotas merecen tener una vida saludable”, dijo el funcionario de salud deshonesto. “Estas pobres criaturas están condenadas a una muerte prematura y todo a causa del retraso humano y la impactante ignorancia.
Una vez completada esta abrumadora tarea, los agentes del FBI comenzarán a desplegar fuerzas especiales de ataque náutico a lo largo de 1000 millas cuadradas del fondo oceánico de la plataforma continental. Su objetivo: la remoción de aproximadamente 44,000 toneladas de equipos de ejercicio desechados que actualmente están esparcidos por los fondos marinos cubiertos de sedimentos hasta las llanuras abisales.
-Dag Katz
BOOK BURNING MOBILE IN TOWN FRIDAY
(Montrose) Persons wishing to publicly incinerate books deemed to be dangerous or indecent are encouraged to meet the colorful mobile book burning entourage scheduled for a stopover here on Tuesday.
Seen as highly controversial in progressive circles, the effort tags only volunteer burnings and in no way intrudes on First Amendment rights according to the dedicated staff comprised of vocal and challenged icons and castaways from the accepted learning curve.
The 40-foot converted RV is equipped with 3 industrial brick ovens and outdoor barbecue apparatus designed to ignite even the most reticent of titles. It boasts of 200 security cameras, livestock racks, an antique henway flamethrower and 4000 television stations, the latter often prescribed as a substitute for book learning.
Our aim is to control the surge in liberal thinking that has led to our present state of affairs,” said a backup driver/philosopher. “We do not employ solar energy or recycle the ashes from the doomed anthologies since that is Communist.
Books that have continually survived the cut include the Bible and the United States Constitution, that admittedly none of these nomadic advocates of morality has read.
“We have enough to do driving around burning books without reading,” said the source. “Our fears were securely welded years ago despite a leftist drive to introduce compound sentences and hyperbole.”
“Well the scabs they run when they heard he’d come, and the bosses started to pray.” Willis Allen Ramsey in “A Boy From Oklahoma” (tribute to Woody Guthrie).
Salem Fish Trials Causing Stir
(We join our piscatorial inquisition in progress)
Judge: So you say you are not and have never been a fish?
First Defendant: How come there aren’t any men up here accused of being fishes?
Bailiff: Quit the slime and just answer the question
Defendant: I am not a fish. I can’t even swim. The only reason I’ve been accused is that the neighbors think I’m weird…and I do cast spells on people and brew concoctions of black magic.
Judge: Enough! We are not here to dissect your social life or determine sexual preferences. We only want to know if you breathe through your gills or not.
Defendant: No. I am not a fish or even a reptile.
Judge: Burn her. Make sure the fire’s hot. Sometimes it’s hard to get these fish lit. Next…Hmm…I see here you have been accused of being a tuna. What have you to say?
Second defendant: I am no tuna. This whole mess can be explained. You see, five years ago I borrowed a gaffing hook from the neighbor and he says I never returned it. Then, when all this fish trial business started all the neighbors got together and decided to accuse me of being a fish, which of course is based on personal vendetta and has not an inkling of truth. Just because I don’t keep my lawn up to snuff, they want me dead. Therefore…
Judge: Silence! Are you or are you not a fish?
Defendant: No.
Judge: You look like a fish. Can you swim?
Defendant: Some but not under water.
Judge: How to you feel about evolution and the origin of the species?
Defendant: The E word is definitely not going on in the United States and the origin of the species, like everything else, comes wrapped in your grocer’s freezer.
Judge: How do you feel abut a side of hush puppies and slaw?
Defendant: I can tolerate them just so long as we’re not on the same venue.
Judge: Do you spawn?
Defendant: Well, maybe on the weekends but not…
Judge: Burn her. Now then, one more case and it’s time for lunch. Stand up wench. You have been accused of fishcraft. How do you plead?
Third Defendant: I am innocent. I am not and never have been a fish. I don’t like tartar sauce, spinning reels, worms or tide pools. I don’t even like to go to the beach. I hate jumping out of water without a wet suit and hate traveling around in schools. I may be an alchemist, ride around on a broom or wear a pointed hat, but I’m no fish.
Judge: Hmmm. You say you’re not a fish.
Defendant: That’s right.
Judge: Not a carp, or a catfish? Not a shark or a whale? Not a pike or a perch?
Defendant: None of the above.
Judge: Sounds fishy to me. Burn her and throw a couple of ears of corn on the fire while you’re at it. It was a busy morning but now it’s time for lunch.
continued on page 56
Democrats Concede 2022 Elections
(Washington) Politicians and voters linked to the Democratic Party have all but given up on the 2022 Mid-term elections according to a just completed poll.
Although reasons for this phenomenon are varied it appears conclusive that the issue rides on an inferiority complex linked to leaders at the top of the heap.
“If you can’t beat this gang of whackos in the GOP now what chance is there down the road?” said Ellen Chide, former campaign manager for a host of Democrats. “Maybe a clear message aimed at voters would help.”
Many American voters are left out in the cold by Democrats who appear lame and plagued by in-fighting. They appear to equate the party with big government and the same old song and dance. Apparently they see the GOP as populist and responsive although in reality it is racist and incompetent relying on sound bytes to stoke fears about immigration and right to choice.
“The Democrats are bumblers while the Republicans are flat out mean,” said Chide. “which leaves us with nobody in our corner.”
Mid-term elections, that historically favor the party out of power, often foreshadow which way the wind will blow two years later.
–Fred Zeppelin
