All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Congress Accidentally Suspends Pay
In the most recent attempt to avoid a fiscal shutdown of someone’s federal gov’ment the Senate and House have succeeded in cutting their own throats, in a fiscal sense.
Passing throngs of mindless legislation of late, the governing body has mistakenly separated its very own elected officials from financial lifelines, and terminated paychecks. The pecuniary stoppage of expected compensation affects both the Senate and the House of Reprehensibles.
Treasury Department officials confirmed that the paychecks will remain in limbo until the presiding body balances the federal budget and effectively combats future government shutdowns.
“We won’t be eligible to get next check for what could be quite a while,” said one senator from Florida.
“Thankfully we are all rich otherwise we’d be sleeping on the street or in our cars like many of our fellow Americans,” said a Congressperson from Missouri.
Insiders suggest that the legislators will simply lean on lobbyists, family connections and even unionization to survive the recent setback and maintain access to the proverbial cookie jar.
For a related post see
“Hurricane Congress Downgraded
to Tropical Storm” on Lifestyles at Risk
Canned Laughter Pulled From Shelves
(Ridgway) Grocery stores and supermarkets will begin pulling canned laughter from their shelves Monday as part of the generically enhanced Federal Uniformity Act, passed late last night.
The presence of sound-track mirth, invented in the early Fifties and once considered an integral part of the Americana Experience, has been determined to be far too diverse for the consumer. The mandatory removal will be followed up by the release of more uniform entertainment response apparatus aimed at making the citizenry more alert to the dangers posed by foreign comics and those who point and laugh at the present gov’ment.
“It’s all about perception,” said one grocer who supports the effort. “We still have frozen chuckles and freeze-dried smirks for the die-hard but we’d like to see a populace not reliant on mindless prompts. Sheep are not known for guffawing. We need people who can decide when to laugh and what to laugh about. Isn’t that the core of Democracy?”
Persons hoping to stockpile canned laughter for the popular giggle and hooting season have until the weekend to do so. Quantities are limited.
– Melvin Toole
INSIDE YOUR ISSUE
KITCHEN KIOSK
DELICIOUS FORTUNE COOKIES
FROM DAY-OLD SUSHI
page 21
Keeping Oysters Alive in the Raw
in Kitchen Witch
COOKWARE AS WEAPON
A SWING AND A PRAYER
in Recipe Heaven
Instant Mashed Potatoes
The Ugly Lie Behind the Fluff
in The Milk Man Cometh
FUN WITH WHIPPED CREAM
AND HAND GRENADES
page 40
Next time:
More Cooking from Cannes
…Why arrange the silverware without it?
Respected Editor Is Illiterate Says Publisher
(Colona) Retired news hound, Melvin Bedwetter O’Toole “faced adversity at every turn” according to one newsroom boss. The 60-year vet, who retired Wednesday at 101, could not and still cannot read.
“How he manipulated the printed page with such glaring inadequacies is anyone’s guess,” added the boss. “He brought donuts to work almost every day and his coworkers seemed to have forgiven him his grammatical sins.”
He has had trouble with menus, eye tests, road signs, subtitles, cereal boxes, topo maps, grafiti, and reportedly cannot even read his own birth certificate,” said the editor, “but he could verbally shout out crisp, grabbing heads, one after the other, after grasping the gist of a story.”
“You gotta give it to him,”said the editor. “He never let on that he could not read and his moves around the copy desk assured us all that he was on top of things. Once the publishing industry moved into the digital age he was home free.”
Sources close to O’Toole explained the dilemma in that the stumbling scribe quit school to sell newspapers on the street at age 12 and was simply too busy to learn his letters.
Grateful thanks to Fred, Ted, Ned and Edward and Red Herring for contributing to this report
“Why have so many people joined — and stayed in — a personality cult built around a man who poses an existential threat to our nation’s democracy and is also personally a complete blowhard?”
– Paul Krugman, NY Times
The ultimate snowjob
A growing number of Americans cannot recognize a New York snow job when thy see one
POLE SITTERS FALL FOR FRANCHISE TAG
“Pollsters be damned” is their haunting cry
(Denver) He’s still up there this morning, high above downtown ensconced on a wavering flagpole, pledging to stay put until Colorado Rockies win NL West
Despite the snow, wind and rain that will surely visit over the next few months, the unidentified percher remains adamant in his pledge to stay the course.
His 3rd cousin Ed finally came down from his designated pole, suspended high above the Air Force Academy, moments after the inept Broncos beat harmless San Diego twice in December, but went back up after the Patriot loss game.
The two sitters, both season ticket holders since 1962, have been offered a myriad of premiums including sideline access and free parking at Invesco, Coors and the Pepsi Center for life if they will only come to their senses.
“This a lot of foolishness,”said one Rockies’ executive, who warned that both men could face trespassing charges and littering fines. “Sure, we lost 100 games last season but we remain grounded.”
In other news: A former Minor League franchise, the Denver Bears has announced that it is testing the waters for a return to Colorado soon. However, questionable planning and conflicts over stadium access has thrown a wrench in the works resulting in a series of exhibition games in Western Colorado during November and December with finals in Silverton January 15, unless the local moose are rutting.
Meanwhile the Rockies, expressed little concern as to potential competition over the summer months. That Weld County feedlot management had no comment other than “Eat more beef”
“We expect positive support from the residents of eastern Utah and go for the whole ballgame,” said one San Juan County keystoner. “World class skiing, a narrow gauge train and now baseball. $2 beers. $3 entry, and free after the 7th inning. That’s what baseball was and what it will remain up here.”
– Rocky Flats
“How would I have guessed that during my last hours I would sit on a rock in the starlight in a mountain laurel, explaining sexual hygiene to an apprentice in a propeller factory?”
– Allessandro Giuliani to Nicolo, in Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin
