All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
INSIDE YOUR ISSUE
KITCHEN KIOSK
DELICIOUS FORTUNE COOKIES
FROM DAY-OLD SUSHI
page 21
Keeping Oysters Alive in the Raw
in Kitchen Witch
COOKWARE AS WEAPON
A SWING AND A PRAYER
in Recipe Heaven
Instant Mashed Potatoes
The Ugly Lie Behind the Fluff
in The Milk Man Cometh
FUN WITH WHIPPED CREAM
AND HAND GRENADES
page 40
Next time:
More Cooking from Cannes
…Why arrange the silverware without it?
Respected Editor Is Illiterate Says Publisher
(Colona) Retired news hound, Melvin Bedwetter O’Toole “faced adversity at every turn” according to one newsroom boss. The 60-year vet, who retired Wednesday at 101, could not and still cannot read.
“How he manipulated the printed page with such glaring inadequacies is anyone’s guess,” added the boss. “He brought donuts to work almost every day and his coworkers seemed to have forgiven him his grammatical sins.”
He has had trouble with menus, eye tests, road signs, subtitles, cereal boxes, topo maps, grafiti, and reportedly cannot even read his own birth certificate,” said the editor, “but he could verbally shout out crisp, grabbing heads, one after the other, after grasping the gist of a story.”
“You gotta give it to him,”said the editor. “He never let on that he could not read and his moves around the copy desk assured us all that he was on top of things. Once the publishing industry moved into the digital age he was home free.”
Sources close to O’Toole explained the dilemma in that the stumbling scribe quit school to sell newspapers on the street at age 12 and was simply too busy to learn his letters.
Grateful thanks to Fred, Ted, Ned and Edward and Red Herring for contributing to this report
“Why have so many people joined — and stayed in — a personality cult built around a man who poses an existential threat to our nation’s democracy and is also personally a complete blowhard?”
– Paul Krugman, NY Times
The ultimate snowjob
A growing number of Americans cannot recognize a New York snow job when thy see one
POLE SITTERS FALL FOR FRANCHISE TAG
“Pollsters be damned” is their haunting cry
(Denver) He’s still up there this morning, high above downtown ensconced on a wavering flagpole, pledging to stay put until Colorado Rockies win NL West
Despite the snow, wind and rain that will surely visit over the next few months, the unidentified percher remains adamant in his pledge to stay the course.
His 3rd cousin Ed finally came down from his designated pole, suspended high above the Air Force Academy, moments after the inept Broncos beat harmless San Diego twice in December, but went back up after the Patriot loss game.
The two sitters, both season ticket holders since 1962, have been offered a myriad of premiums including sideline access and free parking at Invesco, Coors and the Pepsi Center for life if they will only come to their senses.
“This a lot of foolishness,”said one Rockies’ executive, who warned that both men could face trespassing charges and littering fines. “Sure, we lost 100 games last season but we remain grounded.”
In other news: A former Minor League franchise, the Denver Bears has announced that it is testing the waters for a return to Colorado soon. However, questionable planning and conflicts over stadium access has thrown a wrench in the works resulting in a series of exhibition games in Western Colorado during November and December with finals in Silverton January 15, unless the local moose are rutting.
Meanwhile the Rockies, expressed little concern as to potential competition over the summer months. That Weld County feedlot management had no comment other than “Eat more beef”
“We expect positive support from the residents of eastern Utah and go for the whole ballgame,” said one San Juan County keystoner. “World class skiing, a narrow gauge train and now baseball. $2 beers. $3 entry, and free after the 7th inning. That’s what baseball was and what it will remain up here.”
– Rocky Flats
“How would I have guessed that during my last hours I would sit on a rock in the starlight in a mountain laurel, explaining sexual hygiene to an apprentice in a propeller factory?”
– Allessandro Giuliani to Nicolo, in Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin
*Trump “Anti-Christ Bible” sells for $2
(Washington) An important keepsake from the aborted Presidency of Donald Trump sold for $2 on the open market today, more than doubling its real worth according to booksellers and unreliable religious sources in nearby Bethesda.
Remember the photo of Donald Trump holding up what appeared to be a Christian Bible during the January 6 riots egging supporters on to the Capitol encouraging them to violence while in the capacity of President. His small-brained followers, pobrecitos hung out to dry by a society who had no place for them, heard the call to arms loud and clear, resulting in the deaths of several people as well as a myriad of arrests. This was a pre-meditated job well done by a charlatan gangster who should be in prison but yet walks free.
Well guess what now — the tome he held up was not anyone’s book of scripture but rather a Munich (Germany) phone book printed during the Beer Hall Putsch in 1933. Oh my!
“Two dollars is a fortune when one considers that the Munich phone books were free back then,” said one bibliophile. “I guess it has some value as an antique which is more than I can say about the former President.”
Trump remains on most ballots despite efforts by Colorado Supreme Court to ban the insurrectionist from running for public office.
“It’s a very un-democratic approach to democracy, isn’t it?” asked one unaffiliated voter who supported Bernie Sanders in 2020 and Dion Sanders in 2023.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“It’s strange that a church with Mary at the center of its founding story could suffocate women’s voices for centuries.”
– Maureen O’Dowd, New York Times
