All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
*Trump “Anti-Christ Bible” sells for $2
(Washington) An important keepsake from the aborted Presidency of Donald Trump sold for $2 on the open market today, more than doubling its real worth according to booksellers and unreliable religious sources in nearby Bethesda.
Remember the photo of Donald Trump holding up what appeared to be a Christian Bible during the January 6 riots egging supporters on to the Capitol encouraging them to violence while in the capacity of President. His small-brained followers, pobrecitos hung out to dry by a society who had no place for them, heard the call to arms loud and clear, resulting in the deaths of several people as well as a myriad of arrests. This was a pre-meditated job well done by a charlatan gangster who should be in prison but yet walks free.
Well guess what now — the tome he held up was not anyone’s book of scripture but rather a Munich (Germany) phone book printed during the Beer Hall Putsch in 1933. Oh my!
“Two dollars is a fortune when one considers that the Munich phone books were free back then,” said one bibliophile. “I guess it has some value as an antique which is more than I can say about the former President.”
Trump remains on most ballots despite efforts by Colorado Supreme Court to ban the insurrectionist from running for public office.
“It’s a very un-democratic approach to democracy, isn’t it?” asked one unaffiliated voter who supported Bernie Sanders in 2020 and Dion Sanders in 2023.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“It’s strange that a church with Mary at the center of its founding story could suffocate women’s voices for centuries.”
– Maureen O’Dowd, New York Times
Los hispanos pueden haberse asentado primero en el suroeste
(Ridgway) Los investigadores del Cookie Tree Institute sugieren que los latinos pueden haber sido los primeros europeos en habitar el suroeste de los Estados Unidos. Insisten en que los montículos de artefactos descubiertos, depósitos lingüísticos y culturales y estilos arquitectónicos comunes a la Península Ibérica presentan evidencia conspicua de que el lugar fue el hogar de pueblos de México y España mucho antes de que fuera propiedad y estuviera operado por gringos y personas de ascendencia del norte de Europa.
La genética del lugar apunta a una antigua población hispana que llegó en el siglo XVI y luchó con los grupos nativos que ya residían. Esta contingencia histórica parece estar respaldada por los escritos de los primeros montañeses, del este del Mississippi, que a menudo se casaban entre sí y vivían en pueblos como Taos y las misiones de California.
“Lo que inclinó la balanza son los nombres de todos los pueblos como Santa Fe, Chama, Del Norte y San Luis”. dijo un investigador. “Nos dimos cuenta de muchos de estos nombres en los mapas y los confirmamos con visitas in situ. Por qué estos pueblos se llamarían así si fueron establecidos por otra persona?”
Aún no se ha determinado si este estudio ayudará o no a aliviar los problemas relacionados con los extranjeros ilegales que llegan aquí para trabajar, pero el término destino manifiesto inverso se ha introducido en conversaciones susurradas en lugares tan al este como Baltimore.
Muchos residentes gringos actuales se han ofendido por las acusaciones, diciendo que los datos recopilados eran unilaterales e inapropiados.
Tomemos como ejemplo la pronunciación local de Buena Vista y Salida”, dijo Earl Lliftline-Cortez, de Parlin. “Te suenan estos nombres en español?”
La reacción en todo el país fue una mezcla de ira e indiferencia.
“Deja de tonterías y muéstrame una escritura”, dijo Cal Cajun, un desarrollador en Albuquerque, que ha construido más de 50 comunidades cerradas aquí desde los años 80. “Todo son palabras sin documentación”.
Madeline Althare, congresista de Nueva York, tenía otro ángulo: “A quién le importa quién vivió allí o quién vive allí hoy? Es todo un montón de cactus y serpientes de cascabel con autos abandonados y remolques de chatarra por todas partes. Lo vi en Discovery o en el Times.
Mientras tanto, las excavaciones continúan y los hallazgos son cada día más sólidos. Los grupos de nativos americanos, ofendidos por no haber sido introducidos en la fórmula, dicen que boicotearán una próxima votación que devolvería a Arizona a México a cambio de dinero en efectivo y un jugador que se nombrará más adelante.
-Dolores Alegria
Thanksgiving To Be Celebrated on Mondays Next Year
(Washington) Someone’s federal government has decided to make Thanksgiving a Monday holiday in keeping with its concept of uniformity. The holiday, in which citizens give thanks for the year’s blessings, has been celebrated on Thursday since its inception in 1623.
In 1789 George Washington issued a general proclamation for a day of thanks. That same year the Episcopal Church announced that the first Thursday in November would be a regular holiday, “unless another day be appointed by civil authorities”. In 1855 soon-to-be Confederate Virginia adopted the custom of a Thanksgiving Day. Ironically enough it was Unionist, Abraham Lincoln who proclaimed Thanksgiving as the last Thursday of the month in 1863. In 1941 Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday would be observed as a legal holiday. In Canada the holiday is celebrated in October unless the Blue Jays or Expos get into the World Series.
“It’s that part about civil authorities that fouls up the muffins,” said one traditionalist who feels this country needs all the culture it can get.
“Why fool with a good thing like Thanksgiving. Aren’t there more pressing social issues to deal with here?” he spat.
Persons wishing to continue the Thursday celebration have been hereby informed that they are doing so outside the law.
“These rogue turkey day revelers must be brought to heel,” said Congressman Oral Noise, who first penned the proposal. “The next thing you know they’ll want to celebrate the Fourth of July on the fourth of July. Bunch of damn communists!”
Sources here feel that the population will put up a fight in the early rounds but succumb to the homogenized version of Thanksgiving before long.
“We’ll indoctrinate the school children first and then frighten the elderly into submission,” said Noise. “And if we have further problems we’ll put a tariff on pumpkin pie.”
– Melvin Toole
Apology
On November 24 we incorrectly reported that Colombia was engaged in the sterilization of Pablo Escobar’s hippies when it should have read Pablo Escobar’s hippos. We are sorry if anyone became confused disoriented or contaminated by this miscue.
I Love Lucy Episodes Can’t Be Stopped
(Hollywood) Subsequent showings of the once prime time I Love Lucy cannot be terminated electronically, and will continue to blanket the airwaves for many years to come according to most network sources in Southern California. The programs, which have run in succeeding order, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, one after the other, for the past month, seem to have a mind of their own.
“The whole things has an enchanted nature about it and in truth shows more creativity than this medium has seen since the Fifties,” said a published report. “Even if one entity owned all the TV stations in the country the phenomenon would no doubt continue.”
The Lucy episodes began appearing on every network in America immediately following an Federal Communications Commission sell-out which allows for the further exploitation of the public air waves by rich, special interests seeking control of information. The recent FCC ruling allows for a relaxation of restrictions on multiple holdings across the country and opens the door to controls by the privileged few.
“These are the fat cats that helped bankroll Dubya’s takeover,” said the source. “Now they are reaping the benefits of promised pay backs.”
According to media watchdog groups these torturous displays of neurotic repetition are either an attempt by the government to distract the populace or could be the beginnings of an alien invasion of the planet.
FCC sources tell us that they are studying the problem and hope to get to the bottom of the riddle before the new shows come out next fall. In the meantime it’s Lucy or the test pattern. Independent stations and public television representatives have expressed concern that their signals are being interrupted and/or sent indiscriminately into outer space.
Despite a slight drop in ratings the changes in format have not been detected by our regular viewing audiences.
“I especially enjoy the segments where Fred and Ethyl (Mertz) are featured but I don’t care for all the nightclub hype with Ricky Ricardo,” said one FCC clerk. “It just doesn’t seem real to me, but I’m a big cop show fan.”
Consumer advocates are boiling at the these developments but continue to echo the same mantra: You will not learn a damn thing by watching television. It makes one stupid. It is a waste of time. They further insist that the only way to combat Big Brotherism is simply to turn the damn thing off. – Fred Zeppelin
