MAJORITY OF CATS ON WELFARE

Another kitty on the dole

(Montrose) A survey conducted in this Western Slope city suggests that most of the nation’s feline population is receiving some sort of federal assistance. The alarming statistics appear valid even though some 60% are capable of putting in an honest day’s work.

The data has White House aides scurrying around in an attempt to manipulate the findings. Insiders say the results are a “major embarrassment” to the President who has only recently “been strutting around like a bandy rooster” on the sore subject of welfare reform.

“We did a great job convincing our viewing audience that unemployment figures were stable even though many citizens on out tally sheets were making minimum wage or working several jobs to survive,” said Sally Beguile, a leading pinchbeck in the Obama Administration. “Many of us here in Washington are convinced that we will be able to claim full employment status by the time Al runs against Danny (Quayle).”

Beguile admitted that full employment status is an illusive state often associated with classic utopias such as Shangrila, Brigadoon, Lyndon Johnson’s Great Society, Plato’s Republic, Camelot, the Spanish Intuition and repeated Marx Brothers shenanigans in such hotbeds as Freedonia.

“We prefer to puff up, make reference to proper nouns and paint specific pictures in an attempt to distract the eating public from reality while encouraging rampant consumption,” stressed Beguile.

According to the findings, collected from a cross-section of studies conducted all over the country, the situation is no worse in the urban sectors that out in hickland. Primitive data suggests that cats are no more motivated in town than in the country and that many feel the government owes them a living.

“It’s astounding how fast these recipients roll with the punches,” said one social scientist headquartered in Olathe, a town that actually prohibits cats from seeking employment. “Just watch the mail boxes when the checks arrive. Most of these goldbricks just lie around in the sun all day and prowl through the nights. Many of the females have offspring from countless fathers who rarely extend support. This phenomenon has existed for generations.”

Many cat lovers blame the system that they insist is top-heavy and laden with staff members who encourage kitty clients to remain on welfare rolls to solidify their own positions.

Consciously or not they convince these poor unfortunate cats that they are less than human in order to justify their own paltry contributions to society,” said one local woman. “We have bred a species of dependents who have forgotten what it takes to go catch a rat for lunch.”- Kashmir Horseshoe