All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
The ultimate snowjob
A growing number of Americans cannot recognize a New York snow job when thy see one
POLE SITTERS FALL FOR FRANCHISE TAG
“Pollsters be damned” is their haunting cry
(Denver) He’s still up there this morning, high above downtown ensconced on a wavering flagpole, pledging to stay put until Colorado Rockies win NL West
Despite the snow, wind and rain that will surely visit over the next few months, the unidentified percher remains adamant in his pledge to stay the course.
His 3rd cousin Ed finally came down from his designated pole, suspended high above the Air Force Academy, moments after the inept Broncos beat harmless San Diego twice in December, but went back up after the Patriot loss game.
The two sitters, both season ticket holders since 1962, have been offered a myriad of premiums including sideline access and free parking at Invesco, Coors and the Pepsi Center for life if they will only come to their senses.
“This a lot of foolishness,”said one Rockies’ executive, who warned that both men could face trespassing charges and littering fines. “Sure, we lost 100 games last season but we remain grounded.”
In other news: A former Minor League franchise, the Denver Bears has announced that it is testing the waters for a return to Colorado soon. However, questionable planning and conflicts over stadium access has thrown a wrench in the works resulting in a series of exhibition games in Western Colorado during November and December with finals in Silverton January 15, unless the local moose are rutting.
Meanwhile the Rockies, expressed little concern as to potential competition over the summer months. That Weld County feedlot management had no comment other than “Eat more beef”
“We expect positive support from the residents of eastern Utah and go for the whole ballgame,” said one San Juan County keystoner. “World class skiing, a narrow gauge train and now baseball. $2 beers. $3 entry, and free after the 7th inning. That’s what baseball was and what it will remain up here.”
– Rocky Flats
“How would I have guessed that during my last hours I would sit on a rock in the starlight in a mountain laurel, explaining sexual hygiene to an apprentice in a propeller factory?”
– Allessandro Giuliani to Nicolo, in Soldier of the Great War by Mark Helprin
*Trump “Anti-Christ Bible” sells for $2
(Washington) An important keepsake from the aborted Presidency of Donald Trump sold for $2 on the open market today, more than doubling its real worth according to booksellers and unreliable religious sources in nearby Bethesda.
Remember the photo of Donald Trump holding up what appeared to be a Christian Bible during the January 6 riots egging supporters on to the Capitol encouraging them to violence while in the capacity of President. His small-brained followers, pobrecitos hung out to dry by a society who had no place for them, heard the call to arms loud and clear, resulting in the deaths of several people as well as a myriad of arrests. This was a pre-meditated job well done by a charlatan gangster who should be in prison but yet walks free.
Well guess what now — the tome he held up was not anyone’s book of scripture but rather a Munich (Germany) phone book printed during the Beer Hall Putsch in 1933. Oh my!
“Two dollars is a fortune when one considers that the Munich phone books were free back then,” said one bibliophile. “I guess it has some value as an antique which is more than I can say about the former President.”
Trump remains on most ballots despite efforts by Colorado Supreme Court to ban the insurrectionist from running for public office.
“It’s a very un-democratic approach to democracy, isn’t it?” asked one unaffiliated voter who supported Bernie Sanders in 2020 and Dion Sanders in 2023.
– Tommy Middlefinger
“It’s strange that a church with Mary at the center of its founding story could suffocate women’s voices for centuries.”
– Maureen O’Dowd, New York Times
Los hispanos pueden haberse asentado primero en el suroeste
(Ridgway) Los investigadores del Cookie Tree Institute sugieren que los latinos pueden haber sido los primeros europeos en habitar el suroeste de los Estados Unidos. Insisten en que los montículos de artefactos descubiertos, depósitos lingüísticos y culturales y estilos arquitectónicos comunes a la Península Ibérica presentan evidencia conspicua de que el lugar fue el hogar de pueblos de México y España mucho antes de que fuera propiedad y estuviera operado por gringos y personas de ascendencia del norte de Europa.
La genética del lugar apunta a una antigua población hispana que llegó en el siglo XVI y luchó con los grupos nativos que ya residían. Esta contingencia histórica parece estar respaldada por los escritos de los primeros montañeses, del este del Mississippi, que a menudo se casaban entre sí y vivían en pueblos como Taos y las misiones de California.
“Lo que inclinó la balanza son los nombres de todos los pueblos como Santa Fe, Chama, Del Norte y San Luis”. dijo un investigador. “Nos dimos cuenta de muchos de estos nombres en los mapas y los confirmamos con visitas in situ. Por qué estos pueblos se llamarían así si fueron establecidos por otra persona?”
Aún no se ha determinado si este estudio ayudará o no a aliviar los problemas relacionados con los extranjeros ilegales que llegan aquí para trabajar, pero el término destino manifiesto inverso se ha introducido en conversaciones susurradas en lugares tan al este como Baltimore.
Muchos residentes gringos actuales se han ofendido por las acusaciones, diciendo que los datos recopilados eran unilaterales e inapropiados.
Tomemos como ejemplo la pronunciación local de Buena Vista y Salida”, dijo Earl Lliftline-Cortez, de Parlin. “Te suenan estos nombres en español?”
La reacción en todo el país fue una mezcla de ira e indiferencia.
“Deja de tonterías y muéstrame una escritura”, dijo Cal Cajun, un desarrollador en Albuquerque, que ha construido más de 50 comunidades cerradas aquí desde los años 80. “Todo son palabras sin documentación”.
Madeline Althare, congresista de Nueva York, tenía otro ángulo: “A quién le importa quién vivió allí o quién vive allí hoy? Es todo un montón de cactus y serpientes de cascabel con autos abandonados y remolques de chatarra por todas partes. Lo vi en Discovery o en el Times.
Mientras tanto, las excavaciones continúan y los hallazgos son cada día más sólidos. Los grupos de nativos americanos, ofendidos por no haber sido introducidos en la fórmula, dicen que boicotearán una próxima votación que devolvería a Arizona a México a cambio de dinero en efectivo y un jugador que se nombrará más adelante.
-Dolores Alegria
Thanksgiving To Be Celebrated on Mondays Next Year
(Washington) Someone’s federal government has decided to make Thanksgiving a Monday holiday in keeping with its concept of uniformity. The holiday, in which citizens give thanks for the year’s blessings, has been celebrated on Thursday since its inception in 1623.
In 1789 George Washington issued a general proclamation for a day of thanks. That same year the Episcopal Church announced that the first Thursday in November would be a regular holiday, “unless another day be appointed by civil authorities”. In 1855 soon-to-be Confederate Virginia adopted the custom of a Thanksgiving Day. Ironically enough it was Unionist, Abraham Lincoln who proclaimed Thanksgiving as the last Thursday of the month in 1863. In 1941 Congress ruled that the fourth Thursday would be observed as a legal holiday. In Canada the holiday is celebrated in October unless the Blue Jays or Expos get into the World Series.
“It’s that part about civil authorities that fouls up the muffins,” said one traditionalist who feels this country needs all the culture it can get.
“Why fool with a good thing like Thanksgiving. Aren’t there more pressing social issues to deal with here?” he spat.
Persons wishing to continue the Thursday celebration have been hereby informed that they are doing so outside the law.
“These rogue turkey day revelers must be brought to heel,” said Congressman Oral Noise, who first penned the proposal. “The next thing you know they’ll want to celebrate the Fourth of July on the fourth of July. Bunch of damn communists!”
Sources here feel that the population will put up a fight in the early rounds but succumb to the homogenized version of Thanksgiving before long.
“We’ll indoctrinate the school children first and then frighten the elderly into submission,” said Noise. “And if we have further problems we’ll put a tariff on pumpkin pie.”
– Melvin Toole
