All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Toole Frightened by ghost writers

(Mildcat Creek) It was supposed to be a secret. It was kept under wraps for decades but now the goose droppings have hit the hot tin roof setting off shockwaves as far away as your own backyard.

Yes, longtime supporters expressed shock at the seemingly childish relationship between the retired scribe and his literary support group.

“Sometimes you just have to write the boring, pointless story that goes with the funny headline if for no more than the affect on people skimming the news,” said one ghost writer who begged anonymity.

“Bad writing is bad writing either way even if the writer is simply whitewashing the scene with the wave of a tinker’s damn,” said another spirited scribbler, adding that Toole would have trouble writing his way out of a marshmallow bag.”

One former publisher defended the frightened journalist saying that for years Toole had been afraid of his own shadow and that separate cubicles had been employed to allow for word drainage and security.

“His reluctance to accept these helpers is the root of the issue,” explained the publisher. “He didn’t even show up at this year’s Bad Grammar Awards even though he was a late-inning shoe-in for some mindless trinket or another.

And all this amid confirmations that people all over the world are drinking more and enjoying it less.

– Mrs. Snowbody

“And you want to reform people like these when dynamite’s so cheap?” 

– Carol Kennicott to Vida Sherwin in Main Street by Sinclair Lewis. 

Gravity Levels Dangerously Low Friday

What with Ukraine, Gaza, Immigration woes, the worthless election and global warming it is surprising our scribes in the the literary trenches have time to tell us that our gravity levels are reaching epidemic proportions. They say we are approaching emergency levels with lines boiled in the sand.

What does it mean for the average American?

“It’s hit rural America the hardest with many smaller livestock samples remaining up in the air,” said one agro-economist in Greeley. “You have to realize that there are more livestock out in the country that have always counted on gravity as the enforcer. Maybe that is not the same now.”

Scientists fear that the assault on gravity is somehow linked to contaminated air and water in Third World countries. “Not our fault,”said one MAGA Republican. “I am so tired of people blaming my America for everything.

“It’s payback for colonialism, racism and the hype of everything from baseball to blueberries,” said a white liberal with a Black Lives Matter sign in his gated community in Foggy Bottom.

While in the major cities people have begun to question the need for gravity at all. “We have our cellphones and that keeps our feet on the ground,” said one.

Gravity exposed in Ouray County. Recent photo shows a little but not too much.

Environmentalists continue to harp about methane farts to blame while Republicans continue to call for more control (of everything but them) and ban books that divert the public attention from an assault on democracy.

Democracy and gravity go together hard-in-hand,” said the liberal voice. “It just kinda does.”

He did not elaborate further.

The Republican-led (for today) House has moved to ban gravity since it has not once been mentioned in the Bible. Not wanting to alienate a bone-chilling segment of its faith-based constituency, the extreme right continues to hold out for the Second Coming of the Dulles Brothers.

“How dare you insinuate that I would warm a proletarian bar stool in some concrete cathedral of cold beer and rum, hobnobbing and imbibing to the fullest extent of the law with the local peasantry?” – Tom Paine, anarchist

Trump Creeps Ahead of Putin in Bible Sales

With the final competition winding down Donald Trump remains slightly ahead of Vladimir Putin in the 2024 Sinner’s Salvation Bible Sales Competition.

In his rookie season, Putin, who has always been thought of as an party-line atheist, has shown keen response and swift service depending on which way the wind blows. Trump, on the other hand is an old hand at flimflam and was highly favored to dominate the competition only days ago.

Both men are friends of a sort, often working together to achieve mutually beneficial ends and keep hold on power in their respective nations. Each has targeted control groups that are most likely to drop $60 on a Bible.

While Putin’s Bibles are Russian Orthodox and feature photos of Joe Stalin, Vladimir Lenin Boris Yeltsin and Rasputin. He has achieved almost methodical success relying only on the passage “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” which appeals to many Russians who have neither. Trump’s holy books feature copies of the US Constitution and the Bill of Rights which neither has perused. Some contain discount coupons to fast food restaurants.

Already a majority of consumers have expressed dissatisfaction with the quality of the Bibles, made in Saudi Arabia. Some of Putin’s stock are regularly derailed and sent to gulags. Some show up late, with pages missing. Some shipments of Trump Bibles are no more than recycled Beijing phone books, according to middlemen in Singapore.

Meanwhile Mouse Democrats who haven’t bought any Bibles at all, say the two leaders will meet in on the western shore of Ellef Ringnes Island in the Sverdrup Islands, in the territory of Nunavut in Canada and be eaten by polar bears, fortunate enough to have survived global warming up until now.

They have accused Trump of aggravated raison d etat with respect to “lies, last breaths and 18th Century pistol duels”. Putin’s sales figures remain astounding considering his limited knowledge of the content of the scriptures.

“Frankly, since it wasn’t about me, I saw no reason to read the thing,” he shared through a translator.

A bird in the hand…

Hummingbirds, orchids, pumas, monkeys and an occasional sloth populate the Reserva de Ochides above Jardin, Colombia. Here we watch one such buzzer  having a liquid lunch compliments of a visitor’s comfortable index finger. 

Fish found in drinking water

(Ridgway) Trout, kokanee and other suspicious species of fish have been discovered in the town’s drinking water sending shock waves all the way to Denver. The intruders, some up to an arm’s length, have apparently called the pond home since railroad days.

     “This is really nothing to worry about,” said one town planner. “Fish belong in water. That’s where they live.”

     Despite continued reassurances, town crews were seen on the shore netting and chumming away this afternoon. Apprehended fish are to be detained at the local second hand shop where they will be sold to consumers. Other seized aquatic vertebrates are expected to remain incarcerated in cold storage until suitable homes can be found or relocation procedures are adapted at the highest levels of town gov’ment.

     “If the state finds out we are harboring fish in our water supply we could lose funding for water purification,” said one planner. “Then we’d all be forced to drink gin.”

     Many residents fear contamination of the water due to the curious fish population that has taken up residency. Some fear that fish could flow from the tap or clog pipes causing freezing on colder nights.

     “Ick,” said one newly arrived transient from San Miguel County. “To think I’ve been drinking this water with those slimy fish swimming around in it!”

     Although fish are quite normal in ponds such as this, the town has taken progressive, quantitative steps to rid the water of visitors of all types.

     “We’ve considered boiling the town’s drinking water after we catch all the fish that live in it,” explained another planner. “That approach is being discussed as well as a plan to move the schools to strategic ponds in order to minimize the influence of radical fish believed to be moving freely within the general population.

     “Our efforts in no way impose a threat to friendly fish or other species caught up in this recent disclosure,” continued the town source. “Fish that cooperate with the investigation have nothing to fear.”

     Meanwhile bait sales have skyrocketed as vigilante groups, fearful of an end to the status quo here, have begun dropping lines from Blue Lakes to Cow Creek. Many volunteer anglers have converged on Ridgway Reservoir yesterday to show solidarity with the Lake Trout believed to be hiding there.

     “We appreciate their concern,” said the planner, “but that water is consumed down valley in Montrose and Delta and does not affect our situation. Those communities have their own issues to deal with and the comings and goings of fish are not a high priority at this time.” – Small Mouth Bess

“Your knights appear yo be quite dazed.”  – Joan of Arc

FIRST FLY OF ’24 SIGHTED

(Montrose) The first documented fly sighting of 2024 was registered by Zorro Desplants, of Delta who spotted the little buzzer near Colona Bros. Feedlot north of town. Desplants, of 67 Spider Street claims to have observed the insect on March 3 and, despite taking his good time to make his official claim, he still wins the bingo tickets, the RV jacket and the dog food. These prizes were provided by the local welcome wagon.

     “I was driving south, or was it north, on Highway 50 near the dog pound when the little fly buzzed into my cracked passenger window and made life miserable for my pet marmots and I,” said Desplants, a tear forming in his one good eye. “That’s when I decided to act and nailed the culprit with a rolled up issue of The Montrose Daily Press. It was a mess.”

     DesPlants a, a retired sloth trainer told The Horseshoe that the experience brought back memories of his days working in the white slave trade in Freedonia.

     “The cattle drives always brought out the tough-guy flies,” said DesPlants, almost to tears again, “but we were ready for them. I hate to smash the little fellas but it was all that military training that caused the reaction. Besides that he tried to fly up my nose and at one point even walked across my can of beer. I hate bugs walking on my drinks.”

-Uncle Pahgre