All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category
Vodka Nose Epidemic in Proportion Say Physicians
(Mao Clinic) Doctors here at this prestigious center of Western medicine, expressed concern today due to the rising incidence of Vodka Nose (nasumus vodkatis) in this country. The early stages of the medical condition, linked to the regular partaking of vodka drinks, are not particularly dangerous but can be denigrating, giving birth to the unpleasant option of “cutting off one’s nose to spite his face.”
“Vodka Nose does not appear life threatening on its own although some of the symptoms can quickly develop into serious maladies,” said Dr. Simone Lacklustre, Director of Protruding and Copulatory Organs at Mao. “Plus it looks repugnant and unhealthy.”
Lacklustre described the condition as the swelling and abnormal growth of the nose often accompanied by purple skin shades and the presence of superficial or spider veins on the surface of the protuberance. She described the offensive blood vessels or arteries as having been artificially stimulated by the regular infusion of vodka to the system.
“Just because the vessels are not visible doesn’t mean the imbiber is above danger,” she continued. “We suggest that anyone who has ever taken a drink should come in for an exam, pay us a fee and start a gonzo pharmaceutical treatment plan. Then the person at risk will be officially under a doctor’s care and everything will be all right, unless of corpse they fall victim to the many side affects from the selected drugs.
The practitioner said herbal treatments, which she called voodoo, regular exercise and an organic diet will do nothing to cure Vodka Nose, and that drugs are the only path to good health in this, and every hygienic arena.
The preponderance of vodka nose in more advanced countries strongly suggests a relaxed attitude about this potentially disastrous disorder and a disregard for the symptomatology of the ailment. What may be the saddest aspect is that infirmity occurs from drinking a clear substance void of vitamins (sans lime) or nutrients of any kind.
In developing countries many people would like to have Vodka Nose, or more realistically at least, to be able to afford the syndrome. Social scientists think that the perception of an upwardly mobile status and the willingness to adopt globalization account for much of this trend.
Strangely enough there appears to be a high incidence of the condition within Muslim and Mormon enclaves suggesting that members of these sects enjoy falling off the wagon on a daily basis, despite punitive responses by their micro-social networks. Both groups attempt to combat these visible irregularities by either growing beards, donning burkhas or riding around on bicycles with brief cases.
Ramifications for the future, according to Lacklustre, are harsh. She projects that half of the planet’s population could suffer from Vodka Nose by the end of the century. With potato crops (and grain crops) booming in Poland and Russia and the absence of nutritional standards, Vodka Nose could become commonplace on continents like Africa and parts of Asia, with the coming of modernization. In addition, the recent dominance of the burger and fries mentality will undoubtedly lead to a more frightening disease, dubbed “Fast Food Nose”, which is directly linked to brain damage and the inability to make the right choices as to what is introduced to the body.
Dr. Pepper Nose was not discussed by Lacklustre.
Other doctors are less gloom and doom in their approach. They say one or two drinks per day may be beneficial. One prescription widely circulated in North America instructs enthusiasts to “take a break occasionally” and substitute whiskey or gin for vodka “every third day or so.” They are quick to add that unused portions of vodka can be employed as paint or nail polish remover in a pinch. – Big Nose Kate
Journal, Post and News Plan Joint Military Exercises
(Tucson) The Wall Street Journal, the New York Post and Fox News have announced joint military exercises to be carried out before the summer. In a show of strength, empire builder Rupert Murdoch will parade his Australian news holdings, which account for 70% of the newspapers in the country, along with the Big Three.
The military exercises are primarily a reminder of the power of the Murdoch Empire that has misinformed millions according to critics. Perhaps the most juvenile of all newscasts, seen daily on Fox News, reaches an estimated one million households. It’s no wonder Americans can’t find Iran on a map of the world. The New York Post, the poorly written, redheaded stepchild of Gotham journalism, is still an also-ran with the Wall Street Journal maintaining its pompous gray, moderate glow for now.
News Corporation, owner of the media mentioned, will showcase undocumented, opinion missiles capable of hitting the Chicago Tribune and the San Francisco Chronicle from off-shore accounts and observation points at the tops of skyscrapers owned by the Murdoch group. A planned amphibious operation was cancelled due to bad weather and replaced with a feature on carpet bombing, co-produced with Better Homes and Gardens, a publication reportedly on Murdoch’s radar.
“The bilateral military exercises are not war games, as our dwindling list of competitors alleges,” said Herm Fleshander, a Murdoch executive familiar with the blow by blow since the early rounds of dialogue on the action. “We are simply testing headline defense systems. There is nothing provocative about these games unless of corpse Mr. Murdoch shows up in short shorts!” he laughed.
News Corporation owns 800 companies in some 50 countries with an estimated worth at $5 billion. The media group seeks to control what people think and thus manipulate the population regarding its political agenda. Despite indictments for telephone hacking and one-sided reporting the entire Murdoch Empire is fiscally untouchable.
“This is what happens when there is invisible control and no competition in many markets across the globe,” said one reporter from the Miami Herald. Murdoch’s staff pushes his priorities while “Murdoch’s money speaks for itself. Efforts like these have destroyed the labor unions and are crushing the middle class turning a vast segment of Americans into paupers, serfs in their own country.”
Despite lame attempts by the FCC to limit multiple ownership of media in specific markets, the trend appears to favor large conglomerates acquiring more and more. Soon they are force-feeding the pabulum of fear and distrust to a jaded, cockamamie, television-loving American nation with its fast food and Bud Lite mentality.
But perhaps these propagandizing harlequins have even outdone themselves with a news piece stating that Rupert Murdoch will live forever. While butting up to immortality may seem preposterous, it is right in line with most of the other information, disguised as true journalism, on the menu at the Murdoch banquet. – Suzie Compost
Obese Americans to Sit on Syria, Iran
(Washington) America’s severely obese, not yet recognized as a distinct socio-species but growing in that direction, could be the secret weapon employed to control future violence and chaos in the Mideast.
According to sources in the Obama Administration many of “our pathetically fat” will be encouraged to volunteer for a different kind of sit-in this fall – plopping down on rogue states.
“We all remember growing up as kids under the threat of a fat person sitting on us,” said Sal Flaco, originator of the idea. “All we have done here is bundle up these actions, these fears, these legions of obesity and send them, and not our soldiers, to troubled regions around the world.”
Flaco went on to say that there is nothing in the Bible or Koran that talks about fat people because there were most likely not very many of them running around in the Semitic deserts at the time these books were penned. (Maybe even some bought into the concept of the body as a Temple of the Holy Spirit and kept the weight off as a spiritual exercise.)
“Living on dates, camel milk and an occasional lamb won’t put on many calories,” he said. “People were too busy trying to survive to experience the luxury of gaining a little paunch (affluent flesh). In our society, on the other hand, people are told that it is OK to be obese. There are TV shows featuring obese people and fat is projected as normal. They, too, eat fast food and drink soda pop and are a mess just like their viewers.”
If this plan is adopted as an integral part of the various sanctions imposed, we will soon see hordes of obese Americans making unselfish, patriotic sacrifices for their country. Experts say that after a few months sitting on rogue nations and eating the local cuisine, most of the obese will shed pounds as a secondary benefit.
When asked if many heavy Americans had already volunteered Flaco admitted that the program was off to a rocky start.
“First we will have to set up reeducation camps to convince these people that they need to lose weight,” he explained. “There will be no fast food, soda, beer or other foods high in calories. There will be daily exercise. There will be healthy meals. Once our fat people see the benefits we feel that they will be more likely to volunteer for duty in the Mideast so as to keep the weight off.”
Traditional allies were quick to point out that the plan, although heartless and discriminatory, might work.
“Even with the sauces of France and the sausages of Germany the US leads in obesity levels,” said one Belgian dietician. “In England the food is so bad that no one gets chronically plump but there are surprisingly some overweight too.”
“Be that as it may,” said one Congressman who voted for the plan. “Sit on them long enough and these outlaw nations will cave in to the pressure and fly right. We will target leaders, logistical military areas, strategic political groups, water sources, and nuclear facilities.”
An initial plan, which called for the dropping of fast food and soda pop onto offending countries, was scrapped Friday as human rights groups screamed bloody murder.
“That is nothing short of culinary genocide,” said Patsy B. Patsy, Executive Director of Amnesty Interchangeable. “We are so concerned and exited that we are coining new socio-economic terminologies to combat that potential strike.”
Meanwhile King Obama has yet to release plans for the remainder of the region but experts have predicted that fat teams will be sent to Egypt, Somalia, Yemen, Libya, Afghanistan, Lebanon and Iraq before the year is up.
“Things are looking peachy in Jordan, and Turkey is coming around,” said a spokesman for the White House. Now if we could just get Detroit and Philadelphia to follow suit we’d be somewhere.” – Suzie Compost
