All Entries in the "Lifestyles at Risk" Category

Bad rosin bags blamed for losses

(Denver) Decomposed, often spoiled rosin bags handled by the Colorado Rockies’ relief staff are being blamed for a string of blown saves at Coors Field.
The bags, filled with powdered resin from pine trees, are designed to enhance a pitcher’s performance while on the mound. However, according to baseball experts “the employment of rancid or bad rosin can have adverse effects causing inconsistencies, lack of concentration and general wildness on the part of otherwise stable hurlers.”
The problem, says the front office “is particularly acute in the later innings when relief pitchers are most active especially when afternoon heat or evening shadows come into play.”
Officials within the Rockies’ organization have been searching for some explanation as to poor pitching performances of late which have all but taken the club out of contention. Plans to secure new rosin bags are in the works but with plummeting attendance figures and a demanding payroll it will be weeks before they can be secured. Selling advertising space on the bases and charging extra for mustard at the hot dog stand has been discouraged by the league and can’t relied upon to provide new revenues.
Asked why the presence of bad rosin bags has not resulted in a breakdown in opposing bullpens, a Rockies’ spokesman said he was looking into that.
“Maybe they bring their own,” he said, “or load up the ball with chew or some other controlled substance when the umpire isn’t looking.” – Signelle de Bushe

Isn’t Life Grand

With Rufus Maxwell

BIRD DROPPINGS – LOOK OUT BELOW!

     With all those birds up in the sky it’s really surprising how seldom a human pedestrian gets nailed on the head or the shoulders with pasty, white bird poop. The gravity-based, new math on the subject clearly dictates that a serious number of direct hits would ultimately occur non-stop, all-day, especially at (bird) feeding times. Remaining residue common to initial research clearly indicates that a raindrop effect would emerge, wherein the moist barrage would be persistent, direct and almost continual.

The simple equation would then have to be: More birds up there = more poop down here. Now, ask three of your friends, “When was the last time you were hit by bird droppings? I’ll bet none of them can remember even one such incident. How can this be?

It only stands to reason that if x amount of poop is dropped from x amount of bird asses then x amount of the said white stuff would land on the ground. Birds can let go while in the air or in a tree but are said to prefer a quiet, restful place.

Are the birds aware that there are innocent people down below? They always seem so self-absorbed, fluttering their feathers, squawking, pecking at knits and parasites. Is it difficult to aim and execute while steering? Maybe they are elitists. Maybe they just don’t give a damn.

Are the inevitable drops some sort of a message? Are there common elements at play in these attacks? Do they exhibit anti-social tendencies? Are there indications of coordinated planning? Just how deep does this doo-doo go?

Nobody knows how many birds are flying above his head at a given locale or specific time of the day. It does not help to look up. Likewise it is impossible to count all of the birds in the trees, on the roofs of houses & barns, eclectic wires, bridges, fences, sunny lofts, shady perches, hanging feeders, neon signs and upstairs patios. Even if one succeeded in counting all of these birds he could still find a sticky sample his hat or a little white surprise on his shoulder.

Moreover when one considers that birds spend the whole day eating seeds, insects, buds, leaves and twigs he must face the fact that the waste matter remaining must go somewhere. It is expelled and lands where it lands.The math alone would dictate more direct hits, which could lead to tasteless jokes and betting schemes similar to turkey bingo.

“We should learn from this research,” said one professor of body chemistry at WSCU, “and never go outside.”

Other more progressive voices call for calm and say that the eco-system is working for now.

“What’s the big deal?” said the source. “On an average day we probably step in a whole lot more than a little bird crap. Most birds are small but viewing a large hawk or eagle does give one a different perspective.”

                                                               – Fred Zeppelin

Isn’t life Grand is an op-ed where witless, stupid fears and opinions replace witless, stupid, cartoon news.

EVIDENCE OF PEA GREEN MAN UNEARTHED

(Hoover’s Corner) Archeologists digging near here have discovered what may be the skeletal remains of the legendary and elusive Pea Green Man. As more dirt is carefully extracted from the designated sites mitochondrial DNA matches up with what scientists know to be the progressive evolution of these early humans.
Pea Green Man, as most readers are aware, roamed these environs, wedged in between the Pleistocene and Mesolithic ages,
A well-preserved skull, several toes and the majority of a spinal column were also recovered at Shavano Valley this month leading paleoanthropologists to conclude that the place was jumping with Neanderthals, primitive humanoids and even a few hybrids.
If further analysis proves initial theories correct, a Neanderthal-Human hybrid may have been a first love child some 45,000 years ago. Ironically the emergence of this mix led to the downfall of the Mousterian culture (flint tools, spear points) and heralded in the first cases of ethnic cleansing in Europe and Asia.
“We can tell that the specimen is not Neanderthal since it has a protruding jawbone and a round head,” said Dr. Efram Pennywhistle of Cal-Polygamy Institute. “The Neanderthal were chinless bastards and clearly passed DNA from mother to child in a closely knit community. This “kissing cousin” syndrome most likely formulated the limited growth and slow-wittedness attributed to most royal families from ancient times to the present.”
Pennywhistle reaffirmed postulates that support direct evidence that most Europeans and Asians are two to three percent Neanderthal.
“Just look at the Irish and Russians,” he smiled. “Although their royal lineage seems to have escaped the dredges of history, The Dark Ages, the plagues and the Crusades, these people are incorrectly classified as post-Neanderthal when in fact they are brighter than average and merely chronically stubborn (red-faced) and reclusive (cave living at its finest). Common belief that these early humans grew hair on their palms, employed cheap, Chinese-made stoned ceramic tools and ate rocks has never, and will never, be substantiated, at least on my watch.”
These early humans were a rough group,” continued our source, himself the descendant of a Neanderthal princess and a primitive human stable boy. They made other primates seem cosmopolitan by comparison.”
Returning to the Pea Green site scientists struggled to break through a layer of discarded human artifacts such as moldy beer cans, disposable diapers, a muffler from a 1963 Ford Falcon, a worn mattress and an ensemble befitting the professional bowler.
“If anyone wants any of this stuff they had better stop by our digs this week to claim it or it’s going to the dump,” said the doctor. “We are certain this junk was thrown out long after the disappearance of the last Pea Green Man and the emergence of Anasazi shamans, Czars, Tinkers, Evangelists and European fishermen concentrated at hotly contested river crossings before Blue Mesa was flooded.”
Research at the new site is expected to continue throughout the fall although it appears difficult to apply these conflicting detections to the needs of modern man.
“We are just a bunch of fun-loving guys and gals who like to spend the day filtering through piles of dirt and mounds of rock,” said Pennywhistle. “Our efforts are easily as valid as anyone who spends the day behind the wheel, making tacos or in a cubicle spewing information. Besides, quipped Pennywhistle, after eight hours on the job one gets his money’s worth in the shower at the end of the workday.”
-Vladimir Edwin Codswallop

Summer Reeding Program Loses Grant

(Ouray) The much heralded Summer Reeding Program, popular here since the early 70s, has apparently lost funding for 2003 according to The Bureau of Promotional Education and Diversion. The 1/2 day sessions have been aimed at creating an interest in recreational reading among children in the town.
“They just missed the boat,” said one official from BPED, “and besides 50% of our budget has been sucked up by the Pentagon.”

USFS to use magnesium-chloride on pine beetles

(Ouray) The United States Forest Service, warden of the woods, has released plans to exterminate pine beetles by applying magnesium chloride, a substance employed on state highways as snow melt and dust control.
The USFS has been accused of incompetence in the response to the pine beetle destruction and admits that this new plan has grown out of desperation. The agency’s accomplice, the Colorado Department of Transportation will handle the hands on spraying which is slated to begin any day now without notice.
“The existing policy of ignoring the problem will not make it go away,” said a critic of the proposal. “The authorities have had years to confront this infestation and have done little. Granted the warm winter weather and dry conditions have not helped in those marginalized efforts.”
The chemical weapon Mag-chloride, on the other hand, has been found to be an effective way to keep the highways free of ice and control dust. The only little problem that has arisen is that the chemical kills trees along the highway. It is not known if regular exposure of the chemical has negative impact on people and wildlife.
“Our sunshine melted the highways before,” said the critic. “Why do we need this stuff spread all over?” If people don’t like a little dust they should move to town where most of the streets are paved.”
Climate change, continuing drought and the prevention of natural fires by state and federal agencies is blamed for the destruction. The mountain pine beetles, indigenous to the high country now have a shorter hibernation period and have greatly reproduced while the trees are more susceptible to a non-native white pine blister rust, which prevents nutrient and water dispersion.
Although regular spraying of carbaryl slows down the devastation and eliminating hazard trees has thwarted easy migration of beetles it does not appear to be enough to control what experts are calling an epidemic. The scene in the forest is bordering on apocalyptic with dead red pines blowing in the dry wind and new green growth sprouting underneath.
“We noticed that the application of mag-chloride kills trees along the highways so we figured it might kill the beetles too,” said Anwar Meate, Supreme Commander of Executive Directors at the USFS. “What the heck…what’s good for the goose is good for the gander, no?”
Turning the agency’s vast supply of mag-chloride on the pine beetles has created major controversy with environmental groups saying the plan may kill the beetles but it will certainly kill the trees.
“Pine beetles have been here forever and so have the tree huggers,” said Meate.
The DOT reportedly purchased tons of the magnesium-chloride chemicals a few years back (from a fast-talking Front Range salesman?) at what they say were discount prices. The agency is keen to get rid of the stuff and distance itself from growing criticism of its use. Attempts to transfer the chemicals to Utah or Wyoming were met with anger and heel digging in those locales.
“It works great keeping dust levels down in the pine trees,” said Meate, “now we’ll have to wait and see if it discourages the beetles.”
– Fred Zeppelin

Rasta Charter Pulled

(Telluride) The National Association of Rastamen has terminated the charter of the local Rasta tribe on the grounds of racial conflict. Historically the religion, which considers the late King Haile Selassie to have been a deity, has also been Black. In addition the philosophy that has emerged is dotted with reference to white devils and a serious distrust for Western Europeanism.
“We found out that our precious tribe in Telluride were a bunch of rich white kids trying to be radical. Silly, huh? We pulled the charter. It’s cut and dry. No discussion,” he stressed.