Many Plants Harbor Resentment Over Food Chain

(Banana Belt, CO) Many domesticated plants of the garden and household variety are angry over what they see as discrimination regarding their long held place in the food chain. Saying they would eat humans if given the chance, a more militant philosophy has taken hold especially among younger, more impressionable saplings and seedlings.

These plants see themselves as living, breathing entities not fodder (albeit healthy) here to advance the life expectancy and salubrious agenda of animals.

This growing sense of despair may show itself in such symptoms as yellowing, abnormal leaf loss and the all to common drooping or limping out.

“Plants have body language too and often exhibit displeasure and frustration much like other creatures,” said Averill Harbinger, a radical carnivore who has not eaten anything from the trees or the ground in over 40 years. “We know they can’t talk but they damn sure can communicate. Maybe they’re getting too much sun or their clay pot is crowding out their roots. Maybe they don’t like the plant on the table next to them. It goes on.”

Botanists know that there are several species of flesh eating plants on the earth, although most are confined to the tropics and a diet of insects and an occasional small mammal. These immobile living organisms absorb nutrients and water through roots but have a taste for meat, as defined above. On a mass scale they are about as rare as Audrey II in Little Shop of Horrors.

“We have reached a point of no return,” said a communiqué translated by a local green house guru. “We have been pushed to the corner of the garden and are wilting on the vine.”

Although very few parties give credence to these developments people (especially the elderly) out in the gardens alone or pruning fruit trees in remote locales should take security precautions. Even such enjoyable practices like walking among wildflowers in the mountains and stopping to smell the proverbial roses could present unexpected risks.

“Under no circumstances should anyone wander in the vicinity of fruit canning enterprises, vegetable processing plants after dark,” said the guru, “or approach groups of young plants on the street in these neighborhoods any time of the day.”

Man and plants have had a long, nourishing relationship for centuries and it is hoped that traditional values stand victorious in the face of this very real peril.                                                                         – Uncle Pahgre